My troubles stem mostly from my preteen experiences with aggressive bullying in junior high school. At the age of 46 now, I am finally addressing the issue, with the help of my counsellor. I cried over it for the first time in many many years. I found a good article online similar to my experience and I hope it might help others as well. It is no immediate solution, but it is a good start to help me realize how much those few years of my life have affected me for the past 35 years.

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_d...e=doc&id=13057

[purple_fins]

Thank you for the article.
I'm so sorry you experienced bullying.

Adults never seem to want to acknowledge how much this can negatively affect the child-- I don't get why?
if an adult is stalked, punched, kicked, humilated-- the law gets involved and it's taken seriously....
but many kids have to go through YEARS of this trauma/abuse with little to nothing done to stop it.
and then people have the NERVE to say kids are resilient-- "they get over things"-- OH REALLY!? then why are there so many adults struggling with various mental difficulties if we as children are so "resilient"??? argh....
oops.... sorry bout that rant.... I get a little charged over this, can you tell?

thanks for helping to spread the word of the importance to not turn a blind eye to bullying-- showing how it can have long lasting affects.

I wish you inner peace and much healing

fins

Thank you, fin...and you are right...nobody seems to do much about it. However, I did mention to another child who tried to bully my son when he (the bully) was 11 and soon to be 12. In our country, a child can be charged with assault at the age of 12 under the law for youth offenders. I advised the child to consider that and told him I would be the parent to do that if he laid another hand on my child. My sole purpose was to make the child think about his actions. For so many years a parental scolding is all they get. I wanted to make him realize that it would not always be looked upon so lightly and he had ot consider the possible consequenses of his actions next time.

My parents also tried to help me when I was bullied by telling me that I was above that kind of behaviour and I shouldn't srhink to their level. THe end result was "turn the other cheek" and so the abusers (bullies) kept doing it since I never fought back. I realize the parenting was meant to be good advice but it realy gave me no means of defending myself. My options were cut. The result was to withdraw from everybody around me. Now, as an adult, I have avoidant personality disorder. This is what I am trying to resolve now. The first cry I had recently in counselling helped a lot.

Now today, I did some meditation in the park with some beautiful music, deep breathing, a light breeze, the water rapids nearby and the two swans in the brook. It did a lot for my soul. I feel much better.

[purple_fins]

Yea, even though it sounds like your parents cared-- they were sorely misguided --
which left you, the child, fending for yourself in any way you could with the few coping skills a child possess.
I think it's very admirable that you see your parents MEANT no harm, I'm sorry that this bullying had such profound affects on you

I was bullied at home by older siblings amongst parents that didn't care- too self absorbed.....
I believe by the time I got to school I was ready to fight and thus was regarded as one NOT to be reckoned with (I isolated, didn't trust a sole)..... but... still..... not having a home as a "safe" place-- caused much inner damage to me too.
..... hmmm...
wow! I just realized something....
maybe that's why I don't like anyone to come to MY home !!??
I feel so much anxiety when someone comes over(which is VERY rare)... but not as much anxiety when I am at others home's....
wow... I never thought about that before.
The fear of pain- in my own home
Thank you Ingrid I've spent literally years trying to find this puzzle piece... and your post helped me to find it... wow.... *sigh*....

Ingrid

keep on working towards inner peace

fins

[purple_fins]

forgot to mention that I so admire you for speaking up to that bully of your son's... that took some courage and great insight, good on you!

also your moment of meditation sounds so lovely... thank you for sharing .... I could feel the tranquility.

fins

Fin, I admire the strength you displayed against all odds. I feared going to school, whereas you feared going home. I am sorry to hear that the home became such a threat. Now, of course, it is very natural for the home to be safe and the only person you feel safe at home with is yourself. I avoid social scenes due to fear of humility and rejection, and you avoid homes due to a strong need for security. You display such strength and so much caring for others who feel any threat. I am so thankful we have met. Perhaps we could share our journeys toward a stronger and safer life and sense of freedom from anger and pain.

I send many hugs to you fin. I have anxiety attacks when I feel threatened also...moments of judgment (interviews, exams, assessments at work). We are going to conquer this.

[purple_fins]

Thank you Ingrid
I'm sorry social events give you such anxiety... ugh... I so can relate to that anxiety... it's awful, isn't it.
It must be so hard to fear interviews and such.

yea, home was not a place I felt safe-- but then my "place", where I went to hide, became a terror- when one day at 8, I was held at gunpoint at my "place". If I needed to "feel" safe and go to a place-- it seemed that soon it became a place of trauma.....
so....

I think I figured that, being in my head was the only place where no one could ever find me.... that has been "my place" since 8 years old.

Perhaps we could share our journeys toward a stronger and safer life and sense of freedom from anger and pain.

that sounds VERY nice--(quite tired of being alone-- except now I have a great T. that I work with, but that's all I have. and Oh yes, there are a couple members here that I so admire)
could we both manage that?-- sharing our journeys? kinda scared.....are you?

I fear closeness, I fear friendship that gets close, I fear relatives, I fear neighbors that want to come over.....
I fear.....
people.... (but you don't sound so scary)

best to you

fins

[/quote] could we both manage that?-- sharing our journeys? kinda scared.....are you?

I fear closeness, I fear friendship that gets close, I fear relatives, I fear neighbors that want to come over.....
I fear.....
people.... (but you don't sound so scary)

best to you

fins[/quote]

I think we could manage that.

I cannot possibly imagine the threat of a weapon, especially firearms. I did see my sister pull a knife on my father once. It was just a bad blip in life.

I think I feared myself more than others when I sought counselling. I was seriously thinking of the end. I am happy to say though, that my thoughts are not there anymore.

I think my fear shows more obviously to others than I thought. I believed I was a great actress and hid it well, until the anxiety attacks began to hit. Now, every supervisor at work knows about it and it makes me feels shame for it. Again, the fear of judgment comes in there.

I usede to be very bubbly and outgoing in the workplace. I had rave reviews but no education to get out of restaurant work. Now, I have lots of education, and great feelings of bitterness, anxiety, and fear due to 25 + years of no upward movement at all. I began to feel bitter and resentful which lead to anger. Then came a sense of giving up and self shame. I began to hide from being noticed. Then came the sense of permanent failure and no self esteem.

In childhood I feared ridicule by peers, in work, I fear ridicule by superiors. So this is what I am working on.

[purple_fins]

I did see my sister pull a knife on my father once. It was just a bad blip in life.

yipes! that must have been scary for you to see. Did your dad handle it well?

My mom threatened her life with a knife once... but I just heard about it(wasn't born yet), she did try to jump out of the car onto the highway when I was 4.... I figured people are VERY fragile and must be handled like very rare crystal.

I too am happy you can say that "those" thoughts aren't there anymore. Good on you! (<-- I like that British expression!)

You think it may help to concentrate more and more on your work and how well you do? and try to tell that part that says-- "Hey, they're looking at you, they probably think you can't handle things"--
tell that part -- "Keep Quiet" and that you can't be bullied anymore!

I think the fact that you've worked so many years is a great thing to be VERY proud of, and you got an education-- that is all such admirable accomplishments. a trophy is in order, I do believe!

that little voice inside that tries to take over where the bullies left off can learn a new trade-- to cheer.
"Ingrid got to work on time-- Hooray!
she works hard to earn her dime-- Hooray

Ingrid helps others too-- Hooray!
she's a great worker through and through-- Hooray

well, I'm not so good at cheers
hopefully you get the idea.

[/quote]that little voice inside that tries to take over where the bullies left off can learn a new trade-- to cheer.
"Ingrid got to work on time-- Hooray!
she works hard to earn her dime-- Hooray

Ingrid helps others too-- Hooray!
she's a great worker through and through-- Hooray

well, I'm not so good at cheers
hopefully you get the idea.[/quote]

I think you do a great job as a cheerleader

I am off to work right now actually. That will help alot fin. Thank you.

I hope you have a wonderful day!.

[purple_fins]

I think you do a great job as a cheerleader

I am off to work right now actually. That will help alot fin. Thank you.

I hope you have a wonderful day!.

Thanks for the trophy.

Good luck at work

I too will try to heed my own message-- *sigh*
I fear everyone hates me and would rather I'd get lost......(that "little voice" can sure be convincing, ya know?)
I'm off to work soon also.

hope you have a good day too.

fins

[HalfSwede]

Good thread. Bullying's been a bigger issue for me than I care to acknowledge, at many points in my life. In general, I'm glad I never sank to the bullies' level, but there are still moments when I have revenge fantasies. Not as frequently these days. I used to kick myself for not fighting back, but I think I just deeply believed in nonviolence.