[siriushousewife]

Well, guess what? My impending 30th birthday is totally freaking me out. Not because of the usual reasons, but because I am STILL not over what was done to me.

I really just need to vent. My mother was a primary abuser. She has told everyone I am dead, and she lives in another country. I have no family. No friends other than my hubby and inlaws.

I hate that someone I don't even talk to can make me freak out and hurt myself just based on memories. I can't watch a lot of movies because my mom turned them into dirty stories as part of her abuse. I am probably the only one who starts hitting themselves in the face if exposed to Star Wars or Thundercats. I have ways of controlling that, of course, mainly distraction and not exposing myself to known triggers.

I hate that I am this old and completely rootless. I feel like the only people who WOULD be my friend are those who are so crazy as to not really be functional, and the people whom I WANT to be friends with think I'm too crazy to be friends with. I hate that all of my family members say I'm dead , too. I"M NOT DEAD. Or else I am the most talented ghost on the planet...

I hate that I had to use sex as a method of survival because I was abandoned as a kid in an adult body. I was left to be homeless at 19 but really was probably 10 years old mentally. I hate that I can't just relax and enjoy sex because anger/stress/fear all give me orgasms, and orgasm just makes me think of the crap I'm trying not to think about.

I just am generally FULL of hate this week. How I wish I had real friends, to have a real birthday party. Instead, aside from my hubby, I am the only person who even gives a crap I'm still alive.

[Sannah]

Hi sirius, welcome to PC. I'm sorry that you had a terrible time with your mother. You deserved much better. Do you have a therapist?