[needmorefromlife]

I am in such turmoil. Each day/night...is getting worse...each day/night I think will be the last I can take of it. Yet, I keep trudging along. I swear I dunno how many years are being taken off my life living this way. I live with a very controlling person to say the least. Uses swearing, rampages...it's like a tornado everytime he comes home..or when we go somewhere.....it's my husband. He has been addicted to pain killers for years. But has always been violent...even the stories his family he grew up with confirms this. He tries making dramas..and pitting my own children against me to protect himself from all the things he has done he could get into trouble for. I feel like the guard of my children and my home and pets....guarding them from what should be protecting them as well. I have been told I suffer depression...been medicated for it....I suppose had I told the doctors what I really go thru...perhaps they would have said it not depression..it's my circumstances.I haven't taken any antidepressants for years now..I have to be as clear minded as possible to protect what I can.I don't know how much more I can live this way or watch my son live this way either. Two kids off to college now..and safe....one sick dog now laid to rest..I have just my son..and pets..and now it seems even worse...more mental abuse now than physical....I am almost confined to one room most of time...since there will be a prob if I am in main area of the house. I can't hardly go anywhere...he tells my son he checks mileage on the car..and if the tires have moved. Ironic..since he gets mad and says I don't go anywhere...it is so crazy...no win either way on most of these things.He only wants to do for himself..unless some agenda behind doing for others that he will still gain. I want a peaceful home. He has been tested as ADD as well. Done horrible things to our children..and yet we all still stick around.He steals from us all...lies about so much. If I work he will quit his job..and I can't leave my son alone with him at home...the stress when my son goes anywhere with him alone about kills me. He doesn't know where my daughter lives...and then asks my son to tell him where she lives if he could show him..and I have to wonder why he hasn't ever asked me where she lives. It's creepy. Each night I think when he goes to work will be the night we go to the sherriff and get this all over with and done...but, I never do it...he doctor shops..uses multiple pharmacies so they don't catch him....so many things..omgosh...he brags to my son that he sells the pills to people at work..schedule II narcotics..omg....he tells this to my 14 year old son....what kind of person thinks that cool..and tells thier son that.....when I am going to have the strength to do anything about this? He has broken my cheekbone,thumb,ribs and I have no idea how many more that I didn't get treated....pounded the van so hard when mad at the kids..it left a huge dent...broken doors...always has some excuse..it a pill he took or something. He is a total con..a felon already more times than I can remember....he has isolated us from all family....we can't have friends..they either don't like him after they get to know him..or find him to strange to deal with..or he rants and raves and makes everyone feel horrible or scared to be around...yet he will keep contact with his father..who the whole extended family has disowned for similar stuff...just to use him. His father tried to have sex with me...so many times..and yet my husband still goes to him to get money or what have you. My father was an abusive alcoholic and I have to wonder if I tolerate so much is because I grew up with such bad stuff..I know when things are bad...omg..if I could only say how bad things really are..omg..I know they are..and yet I do nothing about it. I am so far down...he has done horrid things to his own children and me and his extended family and walks around as if nothing ever happened..and shows no remorse..if anybody calls him on any of it...he gets gives a dirty look and gets angry..and controls the situation that way. He claims bogus work comp claims to get more pills and try to scam..when this last one they said they didn't believe he needed the pills for pain..he went crazy..tried to get the state to fire the one lady...it suddenly stopped..not sure why..we don't hear anything about that from him now. He claims to have gotten injured at work....and later when bruising went away..two of my children came to tell me how he wanted them to do something to his side to create a similar bruise...so sick..and doing this with my children....my children really are good kids...I am surprised they manage as well as they do dealing with all this...but I am afraid of the damage that they will endure from this craziness.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

needmore,, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I wrote a very similar post on here 2 years ago. A week before I left my abusive ex. He sounds similar to yours. They way they think, the way they act and the way they make you feel. It only took my daughter to make me leave. She wasn't even 2 at the time. He and I were fighting and just because I forgot to ask for bbq sauce at McDonalds for his meal he threw the entire bag across the living room at me and everything went everywhere. He then chased me around throwing things at me not caring my daughter was roaming the house and not caring she was standing right next to me in the doorway when he threw the remote at me because I was too far away from him to get his actual hands on me. After that fight I got on here and told everyone on pc my story. Told them what I was dealing with and they gave me the courage to tell my family. I will never forget the moment that was the decider for me. It was just a couple of days after that argument and my aunt asked me "What will you do if he goes to far, you may be able to handle his blows but your daughter is too small, what if she gets in the way during one of those rampages and she's gone and you never have the chance to give her the childhood you wanted." The thought of my daugher being hurt alone was enough, the mental image of him taking her life made me leave within 48 hours of speaking to the woman who said this to me. I just had to pack my things. He was in the military

For the entire week, while he was at work I worked on getting my personal things together. All my photos and important sentimental things. I stuffed them in the back of the storage closet so he couldn't see it. He threatened to kill me one too many times to let him know of my plans ahead of time. So I woke up one morning, got my daughter in the car at 6am while he was still in bed. It worked to my favor that I had been sleeping in the living room anyways. My daughter and I went to the bank where I withdrew 800$ knowing the first thing he was going to do was cancel my debit card. After the withdraw I called his first sergeant. He was in the military so I asked the first sergeant to remove him from the home while I packed my things. I waited a few doors down at my friends house while they picked him up. I will admit before I left to the bank I stopped in the bedroom for one last look. To give me the courage. Just seeing his face gave me enough courage to never want to see it again.

They picked him up and I went home to get my things. I had been secretly packing for some time so it only took 2 hours to get everything in the car and get myself and my daughter on the road. My friend did help us load the car up.

I left with NO place to go. My family all told me they would let me and my daughter stay with them until we could figure out where to go. But seriously, the day I left, the day they knew I was leaving, not one person picked up their phone. I told them I would be calling for their address and not one person picked up the phone for the 30 hours it took me to drive across the country to them. I stopped at my grandmothers and she let me stay with her. All the aunts and uncles that didn't answer the phone so I had to stay with my grandmother and aunt... My aunt that's always been extremely emotionally abusive toward me. There was no room in the house for me, only for my daughter so I slept in my car for 6 months. Through the winter and the one time it's snowed here since 89. Those were some hard nights to pass in sleep.

Despite all of that, the feeling of being free, being away from that man made every move I made worth while. And if you use your resources there are places that are specifically for women who are abuse victims and they are very good at keeping you safe from him and provide lawyers at no cost and many other services to help you. I did not want him using me and my daughter in a shelter against me so I slept in my car but I found out after it was too late that he wouldnt be able to use that in court.

I'm telling you this because you should know. It will be very hard, very scary to leave. But it is very mind powering, you get your life back. You don't even realize how much of it he's taken until you are gone. You're right, your history of abuse is most likely the reason you stick around now with him. It's so much easier to leave than you think it is. Just take one step at a time. If you have to, don't think about what you're doing. Just move. Just make your legs move, that's all you need to do. Don't think of the possibilities, don't think of the possible down falls, just make those legs move to where they need to go. Because believe me, if you leave it will only get BETTER.

I was terrified so I did just as I said above. I made myself just put one foot in front of the other. I didn't allow myself to think of the possible outcome of the situation or anything negative, I just made my legs move.

Your children should not have to suffer because of your fear. You are here to keep them safe and protect them. You know the abuse that is going on and it's your duty, as frightening as it can be, to keep your kids from that. Unfortuantely if they have been witness to this man for many years the damage is already there whether they let you see it or not. You've got to stop the cycle and let them see you stand up for yourself, let them see your hope and let them see that you deserve better. It would kill you to see your children in a relationship like this am I right? Well my marriage was identical to my mothers. Even the kick to the stomach while I was pregnant, my father kicked her in the stomach while she was pregnant with me. It was all the same. I followed the same path. I saw it happening, I saw the siimilarities but it's all I knew. It's all I had seen my mom with and thought I was destined to the same, it would be a shame if your children felt this way would it not?

[Gus1234U]

{{{{{ needmore }}}} please keep posting, people will read, and after five posts you can join us in live chats, and scheduled topical chats... best wishes,,, Gus

[elliemay]

I'm very sorry to hear that this is happening to you. You do have options that you probably aren't even aware of. It may seem like you are isolated, but you are not.

Keep reaching out here. It's a great place to start.

[Sannah]

Welcome to PC NMFL. I'll support you on your journey to a better life. You do deserve better and so does your son.