can't figure out

Have you ever been really truly unable to figure out what you want?

I have a choice in how I can respond to a particular situation regarding an abuser, and I really truly can't figure out what I want to do.
I am currently physically safe from this person, and my decision will not effect that safety.
This person has held so much power over me in the past, and truthfully, in the present, that I really can't draw the lines between what I want, what I think they want, what I think other people want, and how I and they will respond as a result. Part of what I want is to figure out what everyone else wants, and do that. So how can I distinguish that part of what I want, from what I really want?
I don't know if this makes any sense. But any support or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.

You want to figure out what everyone else wants and do that and you think that this is really what you want? I beg to differ!

Thank you Sannah. No, I know that's NOT what I really want, but since I do feel that, it's hard to extract what I really want from within that feeling.
I think I'm having a hard time expressing what I mean here. Thank you for trying to understand though.

if I understand you correctly-- are you afraid of "rocking the boat"? that if what YOU decide doesn't go along with what others want -- will result in yet another bad situation....
is that kind of where you're at?

to figure out what one wants and what others want--- then how the two
of those things affect each other....
phew--- can be quite a quandary

we're here, listening.....

fins

Thank you Fins! It's not so much rocking the boat that I'm worried about, it's just sorting the conflict I'm having over it.
My head is coming up with: what I should want, what I want to want, what others might want, and what I do want.
I am not sure which is which though.
Maybe that says it better? Still not sure. Thank you very much for listening!

((((Gr3tta))))

Just wanted to let you know that I am listening. I know that sometimes it is hard to figure out and sort through our thoughts and how we feel. Something that I do that might help is I make a list of my thoughts. Maybe if you make a list of the four questions you are asking yourself :

Then write under those four things what is going through your thoughts. Sometimes just taking time to write down those thoughts first then going through the lists and writing them where you feel they go in what you are asking yourself. (If you already know where they go you can just write them under each question you are asking.)

Sometimes they might even fit under more than one place and that is okay. Then after you have written what thoughts you have in your mind look at the lists that you have made and it might be easier to figure out which way to go. I know it is hard but it could give you a start. Sometimes for me my thoughts get going and it is hard to separate what I am thinking or feeling.

Sometimes seeing it in black and white makes it easier to understand. I know that I have trouble figuring out my own feelings and it is better for me to actually see them written then I can connect to the words rather than everything running inside my head where I cannot really connect to it.

As a child I knew I was never to need anything or want anything, that what I wanted did not matter or even exist because I knew better and also because I never even knew that it was possible that I could want anything. I can always seem to get what others might want because that is something I always had to know. The what I want to want or the what I should want is hard too because again that goes back to I never knew I could think in that realm.

When people hold so much power over us both past and present it makes it hard to even think in what we might or need to want, or anything. Taking back that power is important as it was never really theirs to take in the first place. Small steps and giving yourself permission to now think about the things that are important to you is so important. Listen to your gut and know that what you feel is important.

This may not give you your complete answer but it is a way for you to see your own thoughts to be able to shift through it all. You can even tear the paper up when you are done or shred it, or burn it, or whatever you decide but it is a way for you to see it in black and white without it all jumbling up inside. I know that for me it is even scary to think about what I want or should want, or what I want to want---it all seems so foreign and dangerous what I have those very thoughts knowing I was never to have them.

It is getting easier as I work through and see the lies that were ingrained. Sometimes what others want is not what we want and that is okay. We have to live with our decisions and sometimes just finding out what it is we want, or want to want, or what we should want finally gives us strength to make a decision. Always doing what everyone else wants leaves us without making ourselves happy and often for myself re-iterates the past feelings of needing or wanting anything is wrong.

I do not know if this is making any sense. I am sorry if it isn't. It is hard to bring my thoughts down this morning but I hope that maybe it can help. Just know that what you want or feel is important. Give yourself permission to take time to figure it out. Know that you are being heard and that we care. Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Oh, great post DPS.

So many things you said resonate and make sense--
Yes, me too- exactly. I hadn't any wants-- but-- I was quite good(from a wee little one) at figuring out all the wants of those around me.

Yes, realizing one even has power is such a step forward.... something I'm working on presently. and what you feel IS important!! Yes yes.... I need to repeat that for myself.

best to you Gr3tta know that you are not alone.
and thanks DarkPurpleSecrets - for the wonderful post.

fins

Thank you so much DPS and Fins! You are both so wise. We are working hard to get it sorted.
It seems its much harder work than it ought to be just to answer the simple question, "what do you want to do?" but it really isn't simple!
I'm determined to get it right, so we have no regrets later.
Thank you so much for your help!