[sunshine5]

Hi there, thankyou to anyone who can help me. I am new here. I have been struggling for over fifteen years with memories relating to my grandfather, but feel terrible because im not sure if its even sexual abuse. I have been trying to search the internet to understand if what happened to me is even considered sexual abuse I cant seem to find answers and so much worse has happened to other people, and I feel so guilty that Ive made a big deal about what happened in my mind..

I am hoping anyone can clarify to me what happened to me is actually sexual abuse, and if the situation could be the cause to some of my problems now.

....Please note below I am going into descriptions of what happened and this could be a trigger for some people ...

My First memory - aged 3 or 4, alone with grandfather in the house he asks me to come over to him, so I go over and he lifts up my dress above to my chest so I am standing there just in my undies. I remember feeling very scared and confused so at that young age must have known this was odd. He then pulls me closer and pulls my undies open from the top and looks inside staring at my privates for what seems like forever. He then looks at me - I must be looking very confused and he says "i just seeing if your name is sewn inside your underwear"

I mentioned this to my parents as we drive to meet them for a picnic what must be a few weeks later, I remember so clear that they look at each other and then tell me - if this ever happens again you must tell us. It never happened again but other little things did..

After this I have memories of him from the aged of 4 - 11/12, he would have long kissing sessions with me, kissing my mouth and feeling my breasts - well nipples as a child - (but on top of my clothes), other memories are being in Car next to him sitting in the front seat while he is driving and he is running is hands quite high up and down my thighs....I do remember these times very clearly, and remember thinking "he must have me confused with grandma" other times I remember frozen panic inside. I have about 8 - 10 exact clear memories of these times, ..During these times we are always alone, inside the house or in the garden or garden shed or car. I also remember knowing these times where coming and thinking I wish he would hurry up.

He never went so far as to touching my privates or making me touch him.

One of the last memories I have is being around 11 or 12 years of age, and I am on holiday with my family and grandparents, he takes me for a private walk (I was also his special one - favourite grandchild and loved to take me to do things one on one) so we were on the beach in broad day light alone and he starts kissing me very intensely with tongue and feeling my (just starting to develop) breasts. I just remember thinking oh my goodness I am on a open beach in public - this is going to look very strange to passerbys a 65 year old man kissing me...

I did have tried to tell my mum over the last couple of years about all of this, shes said - oh he was a very touchy person, he was to me too and laughed it off. Actually she laughed when i told her.She said lets never tell my Dad (whose father it is) it would really hurt him. (which I agree too)
Second time I brought it up she said - oh I thought you said you couldn't remember if it really happened and dismissed it. - I am just kind of shocked at that comment. I left it and cant be bothered speaking to her about it again.

I remember telling a few friends when I was in high school, but making it into a bigger story than it was as I was embrassed that I was making a deal out of my grandfather just pashing and feeling me up. i couldnt and still cant comprehend that that can be child abuse or really wrong.

So I am angry at myself as I just dont understand why this is effecting me and I am I making such a big deal in my head about these things that happened - it could have been so much worse.

Life for me , on the outside I have been I guess an overachiever at high school, finished university have had great jobs, outgoing personality. I am now 27. But have such dark sides to my life, from the age of 12 I have been very sexualised, wanted to have sex as soon as possible, when I drink I have no self respect whatsoever and get myself into awful situations with men, I seem to desire so much to be hurt. I cut myself alot as a teenager, I been a binge eater and obsessed with food for my entire life,I have long periods of feeling very down and dark periods. I think friends and family see me as a drama queen, and I so scared Ive made this situation with Grandfather into much more of a drama in my head when its not that bad at all.

My grandfather is very ill and old, my parents see him at least once a week. I have some anger at my mum.

I am so confused, why am I making a deal out of the things that happened to me, how do i get them out of my head, and has it in anyway related to the dark side of me or have I just cause it too by over dramatising everything? How do I make it go away and leave me.

Thank you so much for reading and any thoughts you may have.

[Yoda]

Yes I would call what you describe as sexual assault. My uncle was the one who was inappropriate with me when I was a child and I didn't tell my mother until I was an adult, telling her I didn't want to be around him and the second time I told her she said she thought I had said that as a joke.

We can't make our moms be supportive. It truly sucks. I have talked to my therapist a bit about it but I still feel angry. Do you have a therapist to talk to? There are lots of people here who have had similar experiences. I wish I knew the answers but I don't.

I hope you find this site helpful.

((((hugs))))

Yes I would say it is sexual abuse, It is common too that parents want to dismiss it well done though for telling us we believe you.

As for the thoughts in your head it is common, I think many of us have them.
You say that you have cut and binge eat etc, Have you seen a doctor? It sounds to me like you have a lot going on and you need help with this.

[Vibe]

Yeah, I would consider that inappropriate. Take it out of context and look at it. Would you do the things to a child which he did to you? I think the way a touch is given can make a big difference. Doctors can touch genitalia and have it not be sexual, while a lover caressing an arm can have a very sexual connotation. Many people are very physical with their children, but there is never any doubt between them or the child that it is platonic. If his touches and kisses were of such a sensual nature that you were confused and sometimes even upset as a child, then I would trust your judgment on that.

I was just having a conversation earlier about child abuse and how vague it can sometimes be. I noticed that when it was vague we were both very negatively effected but less likely to actually call it abuse. The lack of clarity prevented us from really dealing with what happened and finding closure. I think there was also a certain amount of guilt and embarrassment associated with labeling these events as abusive and feeling negatively about them. So I can relate to what your worries about being overly dramatic. However, I don't think it's the kind of thing you can just push out of your mind because you think you shouldn't feel bad about it. Like any other abuse memory, it has to be worked through and you'd need to come to terms with what happened. Moving on comes after that. Best of luck.

[Sannah]

This was sexual abuse. It was a huge boundary violation. You did not want it to happen and because of his position of authority over you and that you were a child, you could not make it stop. This has huge effects over our development. Childhood is for developing boundaries and empowerment. Your gf took both of these away from you. He violated your boundaries and took away your empowerment.

You also were not being protected by your family. This was happening to you, you were seeking help from your parents, who were supposed to protect you, and you weren't protected. This might have affected your self worth?

Mothers who don't protect their children from sexual abuse were frequently sexually abused themselves and were never protected so they sort of go into denial and it keeps them from protecting their own children.

You must have formed feeling from this abuse and you had no where to express these feelings. This could be why you have addictions because addictions help us to cope with overwhelming feelings that we don't know what to do with them. (The addictions being SI, eating disorders, substance abuse and sexual addiction).

A therapist can help you with this. If you can get these stored feelings out in therapy you will no longer need addictions to cope with them. You probably also need to work on empowerment, self worth and boundaries because you didn't get to develop these skills while growing up.

[elliemay]

I think it is sexual abuse. Is it the root cause of the behavior issues, well that's hard to say I think.

For me it was strangely comforting to look back and point out certain things in my childhood that were way way out of line. It was like AHA! that's what's wrong.

In reality though, the things that lead me to seeking help were far more complicated and embedded than the surface memories.

I would definitely advise you to seek some professional help, women's centers, rape crisis centers, mental health clinics etc... are great places to start the recovery.

[WePow]

I am so sorry that your grandfather sexualized you in those ways. That is aweful.
It is understandable how this could be hard for you to accept as being the abuse you logically know was real. We need our family to protect us. When it is our family that harms us, we are realy left in the cold. And it is very understandable how you would feel anger at your folks. They had a job to keep you safe and they failed at that in this situation.

Big hugs!

[unaluna]

* * *TRIGGER* * *

Your story is very similar to mine, and very similar to one that Alice Miller recounts of her patient Paula in her book, THE BODY NEVER LIES.

However, instead of like Paula's family at least telling her it was okay to stop him, my mother told me that this was her favorite brother, and she hardly ever got to see him, and if she told him not to touch me, he might get mad and not let her come to see him anymore and then mother would be sad, so ever after she would push me toward him to be petted as soon as we arrived at his house.

All through my adulthood, until perhaps this last decade, when I finally made the connection, any "bad feeling" came to me in the form of what I called "the naked feeling" - that centered on my breasts, that they were somehow exposed. it mystified me. Well, now easy to see where it came from - but more than anything it was realizing that my mother put me LAST behind everything and everybody else, and I mean up to and including a box of sheep fertilizer (i wish I was kidding) that finally helped me to put myself first and not apologize for doing so. If only temporarily, while I heal? Which could take the rest of my life (i am almost 60). I was last for too long.

I am so glad you are taking care of yourself NOW.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

***trigger***

Nothing you have said seemed to be overdramatic in the slightest way. It is scary and disturbing and way over the line when any adult, especially a family member puts you in these situations. It is also very very possible that this is a main factor into the reason you are the way you are now in relation to sexual experiences. There could also be some inner anger built up toward your mother (and to a point more than likely justified) that could also be causing you to act out the way you are.

Unfortunately there is no easy quick fix. And unfortunately there is no way to just block it out of your mind and go the rest of your life thinking it's ok or it never happened because it was not ok and it did happen.

I have an uncle, he's in the KKK. Not only that but my family has a very insestious side and most of my family members on my mothers side molested/abused/raped their own children for years. Some tried with me. Most did do it with my mother so she did what she could to protect me from it but couldn't keep it all away. The uncle who is in the KKK is just like your grandfather with the touching and kissing. He always wants to open mouth kiss me and my mom no matter how old we are and always has. He stares, he tries to touch... He gives me the absolute creeps. Luckily he didn't make it very far with me and now that I'm an adult I chose never to see him again and am pretty content with that. He was one of my lesser abusers but non the less, it was wrong and had I not had more unfortunate and more traumatic events, this mans presence in my life alone would have been enough to drive me mad. I also had a substitute teacher that treated me the same as my uncle, as your grandfather... I am happy to say that I actually spoke out to friends when the teacher was touching me and he quickly was removed from class and quickly got the ball rolling on a lot of things in my state in regards to child molestation. All because I told someone "this doesn't seem right".

Perhaps the reason you keep telling yourself that you are over reacting is because you are having a difficult time coming to terms with what happened and you are having a difficult time accepting the fact that this did in fact happen to you. It is apparent you are having trouble accepting this as sexual abuse, something that it clearly is... Maybe your defense mechanism to keep you sane and keep you going is your mind telling you that you are blowing it out of proportion and things weren't as bad. If you look at it for what it really is you will have to put the blame on the people who actually deserve it and not yourself and sometimes this can be the most difficult thing. I'm not saying blame your parents, I'm not saying hate your parents. Only that accepting that fact that certain situations should not have happened and you were just a child and the people who were responsible for your safety and the people who knew right from wrong were the ones who need to hold this weight on their sholders, not you. But for now, while you deny it being sexual abuse, you continue to carry that blame around on yourself saying that you are just over reacting. Saying that you are a drama queen. If any one else had told you this about their grandfather you would know it was wrong, but for some reason us abuse victims often find a way to blame ourselves even though in any other situation the victim would never be the one at fault.

Councelling is really the best bet, it's hard to come to terms with that and ask for help with that as well but carrying this around with you and never finding a way to rightly digest and accept it will only continue to make things get worse. You don't have to be in councelling forever, who knows it may only take you 6 sessions, but they can help you learn to place the blame on the right people and the right amount of blame and they can help you to learn to live with what happened to stop it from envading your every thought. The best of luck to you and I am so sorry to you for all that you have been through!

[sunshine5]

Thank you for all your reply, it means so much its really overwhelming actually. I really struggle with the anger at myself making a deal out of this, I struggle why its in my head all the time, its annoying that its there and hurts. Drinking is terrible as that when the built up thoughts and unhappiness comes out. Thank you everyone for kind words and suggestions. I am seeing a psychologist, mainly for eating binge eating and drinking. I just dont even know how to start to tackle and get my head around this. thank you again.

[Sannah]

This is a big deal. I'm so glad that you have a therapist. If you can share this info with her it will be really helpful to her ability to help you with your issues. Please continue to keep us posted.

[LadeeJunebug]

Sunshine5... I'm so happy to see you are seeing a Psychiatrist, you need, however, to tell him/her all... not just about eating, drinking, cutting... All!
If you don't tell them about the abuse you endured as a little one, they'll never be able to treat you properly for your addictions. Once you tell your P about this, they will know better how to proceed and help you to finally find the peace you so richly deserve.

Case in point... I'll try not to make this too long.
My grandfather did the same things and more to my sister, and to a lot more of the grandkids. My dad never said a word to his dad. My mom never said anything either. Therefore, it was swept under the rug and remains there til this day. My sister is now 50, single, an alcoholic, and smokes weed.
Myself... I don't know if he did or not, because I've blocked the early years of my life out. I spent a good deal of time there, I was the 1st grandchild and had an aunt the same age as me. At one time I thought about trying hypnosis to find out, but decided maybe it was better not to know.
My dad was the oldest of 12 , I am the oldest of 7.
My mom was molested as a child, like so many back in those days. Only then it was never spoken of. That could account for her not saying anything, but it certainly doesn't make it right.
Ready for more... I have a baby brother, youngest of 7, that has been a junkie for as long as I can remember. He is now 48, and says he is clean. He told me and my mother a very long time ago, that my brother had molested him when he was about 3. There is about 12 years difference from myself to the youngest. Has my mom done anything about it? No. When she and dad divorced, she may as well have married the brother who did the molesting, because she does nothing without his advice first.
So once again it has been swept under the carpet, and he has used drugs since age 12 to get thru.
I have another brother, a year younger than me, who is schizophrenic now and has been for 20 years. Brain damage from a severe car accident while he was flying on alcohol and drugs. Did my grandfather do something to him as well... no one knows. We only know he was a very angry child and adult. Very abusive to everyone including mom.

My point is sweetie, please talk to your Dr... Let them lead you on your way into the light. What happened to you was not your fault in any way!

Many blessing coming your way.