[DorindaP]

This past weekend I was in the car with a newer friend of mine. We've been friends for about a year and a half. A colleague of ours had shared with us the day before that she gave her father an ultimatum because he hung a confederate flag on his house. My friend was upset that she drew that line in her family over something so trivial. Then she began to tell a story about her cousin.

My friends cousin had been sexually assaulted by her step-father when she was in her teens. The entire family knows that it happened. Her mother is still married to her step-father. Her cousin never stopped talking to her step father or tried to press charges. My friend was proud of her for not making the family choose because everyone loved him. She said he's family and you're supposed to stick by them no matter what.

I was pissed.

but I didn't say anything. I sat in silence. My friend doesn't know what I've been through so she didn't understand. She asked, "Do you agree?" I said, "That's a completely different situation."

She said "I feel like I hit a sore spot for you, do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head then said no, breathed for a few seconds and turned on the radio.

One of the first things that came to mind was, Maybe she's not doing anything because she doesn't feel like she'll be supported. Maybe she's not doing anything because she feels like she'll lose her family if she does. It hurt me that someone I call a friend thought that way.

It's moments like this that make me want to stay silent. I know I don't have to open my mouth. But I know I could help others but I don't want people telling me it was my fault. I've told myself that already. Sometimes I still believe it even though I know it wasn't.

I don't want people looking at me differently and treating me differently. This is something that's been bothering me for a while. I've contemplated talking to her about it, I need to make sure I'm ready though. I need to be ready for her to maybe be the first person who hasn't supported me.

[Yoda]

My mom's brother (my uncle) sexually assaulted me when I was a child and I didn't tell my mother until I was 40+ years old. When he was coming to her house to get some chili she had cooked for him I said that I didn't want to see him and I would go upstairs. Her response? When you said he did that to you I thought you were joking.

Seriously who would say that as a joke? I get my support from Psychcentral, not family. Good luck to you when you choose to disclose your past to someone.

[Sannah]

You can talk to her about this and tell her your opinion without divulging your specific history?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Most of my friends didn't know my past. Not one person in this world other than my second to last t knows every secret of my abuse. It took me 22 years to finally speak up about one of my abusers and I only did it that one time. I cried and cried and that was such a hard day but it felt nice to get it out, something that had taken over my thoughts so many times before. Luckily I can say now that after that t, the thoughts are very minor now. The memories are shoved in the back and not being pushed up front 24/7 because I'm denying them. I've come to terms with myself for what has happened and that's all that matters. My mom will never know, my other family members will never know, my daughter will never know, my best friends will never know, probably not even another therapist for as long as I live.

I didn't know if I should have kept it a secret or not. It was something that caused such shame for everyone, something that even though I was only 6 I felt like I was the most worthless human on the earth for what had happened to me. I asked my t if I should tell anyone else, if I should tell my mom, if I should tell anyone at all. He said no.

Basically what I'm getting at is what he told me. You don't need to tell everyone or anyone anything about yourself. You don't need to tell them exact details, you don't need to tell them who where why when or anything of that sort. It's not their business and it's something that can cause more pain to us if they take it in a way that we do not expect. It can cause us to go off the healing waggon and go back to the way our abusers made us feel, like it was our fault, like we had done something wrong.

My suggestion would be to not tell your friend. By her comment it is rather obvious that either she has never had to be around any kind of abuse in this manor herself or it's an every day thing for her and she's got many a screws loose for thinking it's ok. She's right, you are supposed to stick by your family no matter what BUT when your family does something along these lines, they are no longer sticking by you so it's fair game to throw them out and give them the punishment they deserve.

I have KKK members, I have child molestors and I have crack heads that make up my family. About .5% of my family is only somewhat normal. Most people have a black sheep in their family, well I am the white sheep in mine. And I will be the first one to tell you, just because you are born into that family, does not mean they are your family. Family is a group that looks out for eachother, a group of people who put the others interests first, a group of people full of the right kind of love, a group of people who try NOT to let their family get hurt. Someone who hurts their family does not deserve the family. But this of course is where you and I agree ;P

As far as this girl goes, if it were me... I would just tell her... "What you said the other day kind of got to me, is it really how you feel?" and when she explains to you how she feels I would follow it with a "Well in my past, I haven't been as lucky as others to have the perfect family and I know from experience that there are things worth disowning a family member" and leave it at that. You get your point across and you don't have to get into details.

[DorindaP]

Thank you, I really appreciate all of your feedback. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do yet. I may not do anything. We'll see what happens...