[FinalGrin]

I have been stuck in a very odd place as of late. You see I was abused in many ways when I was younger, but I won't bore you with the details. My father often made me fear for my life, that is until I stopped caring about my life at all. In many ways those experiences made me into who I am today. He never had a kind word to say to me, nor was there ever any remorse he showed. Even to this day we just don't speak about the subject. The abuse (at least the physical aspects) haven't happened in years... I'm bigger now after all.

I grew distant and in turn relied only on myself for the longest time. I was lucky though, that some people saw value in me and made me open my heart to others again. Otherwise I don't even know if I'd be here (I suspect I wouldn't be). Among these people is my girlfriend, whom I love with all my heart.

She met my father this summer while we were on a trip to my hometown. The two of them hit it off and she remarked to me after finding out about our past that she never would have guessed he would do that. In the months that have followed I've reflected on his actions a lot. In recent years he became rather neutral instead of hostile and now seems to be pleasant at times. He even remarked that he was proud of me and loved me... words that I never thought I would hear from him, at least not when it was the two of us. I know that my view is distorted and I can admit some change has transpired, but who knows how much. It is possible that he may be trying to change and considering my less than rosy past and some of the things I did as a result... nothing meant more to me than others accepting me and holding their hand out to me. Acknowledging my attempts at change.

I may not care about the man.... and he did hurt me severely. I don't need him in my life, not in the least. But I don't wish ill omens on even those who hurt me, not anymore. I don't want to make things complicated for everyone and I do intend to have children someday... they should know their grandfather, right? I have no intent of leaving them alone with him, I just wouldn't feel comfortable, but if he has changed then they should get to know him I think. I wish he was better and that he has changed, I just don't know if I can forgive him.

I'm wondering though, for others who have lived through abuse... have you forgiven? If so what was the result? I'd just kind of like to hear about people's experiences.

[DorindaP]

For me, I haven't forgiven. Our situations are different in the fact that I haven't seen my abuser in 10 years and there's a 90% chance that I won't see him again. Sometimes I wonder if I'm hindering myself by not forgiving but that thought rarely crosses my mind.

Ultimately you have to choose what's right for you. What you feel comfortable with

[alwaysrejoice]

Forgiveness can free you from your own prison. I was never abused physically, but I have forgiven people for doing some horrible things that made me bitter and angry for years. When you forgive you can let go of all that negativity weighing you down.

[Sannah]

Whatever you decide to do you will always need to keep assessing your dad to see if he can really be trusted.

[notablackbarbie]

(((FinalGrin)))
There is this 1 part of me - filled with pain and memories - that wants to reply to what you wrote ^here^ with 'WATCH YOUR BACK!' Because you never know...
But then there is the fact that i can actually relate to what you said of being stuck...You are seeing this space and/or opportunity that is nice, and could possibly let go, and move on to the next stage, especially with your sweetheart, and...i guess forgive. But you dont trust this all yet. I hear you...Beyond you taking it SLOW to be fair to your feelings, concerns, and expectations, i dont know what the best answer is here. I am sorry you have been through so much and are struggling now at this different/unfamiliar/fork-in-the-road place in life

[LavalampTerry]

Well, I know I haven't forgiven either my Mother or Father. Mom's been dead over 4 years and I've never forgiven her for her treatment of us... Have never shed a tear for her. Only been to her grave once. (The first XMAS to lay a wreath, because it was "the right thing to do") And I have cut off all contact with my father for almost a year. Some people might think that's an awful thing to do. Not grieve for a dead mother & stop seeing an aging father. But for me, it was something I HAD to do. Because not only did they do TERRIBLE things to us when we were little, the abuse continued. They never changed. Not until Mom got so sick she couldn't do it anymore. And my father's abuse didn't stop until I stopped going back for more...

While I can't say I don't WISH things could have been different. That I could have had a relationship with my parents. That I could be with my father in his final years. But those are "little boy wishes." NOT based on reality. The reality was - and is - for me - that my parents were mentally ill because of what happened to THEM when they had no choice. And they inflicted us with their madness - almost irrepairably, permanetly damaging us. My brother has chosen to live like a hermit. Alone and isolated from the world. Gradually killing himself... I've chosen therapy. And through therapy I've come to a place where I now take care of me like i should have been taken care of all those years ago... I protect me. I love me. And I have the right to have ONLY those people in my life who want the best for me.

Do I wish that was my parents? Of course. But, given the realities, "It's not too late to have a happy childhood!!"

Good Luck!!

[pgrundy]

After many courses of therapy for PTSD and major depression, I do feel I've forgiven my parents and my brother. I just feel a kind of sorrow for what didn't happen instead of all that rage and hurt over what did.

That said, my parents have been dead for some time, and even though I feel like I have forgiven them (it took a long time, a long, long time), I used to worry about that whole thing about how when you die you go into a bright light and see your dead relatives. There was nothing I wanted LESS than to see my parents when I die. I mean, my life improved 1000% after they were gone. So both things are true: I've forgiven them AND I'm glad they're gone and all that is over with.

My brother isn't sorry for his actions, but I feel like I've forgiven him for my own good. That doesn't mean I'd want to spend any time around him though, and it still hurts when I see people from my home town and the very first thing they say to me is, "How's Dan?" Like as if I don't matter to them at all (because I don't). My brother was a big football hero, my father a church deacon and youth group leader, so the community in which I was raised remembers all of them very differently.

My husband and I have a big Malamute dog that is 9 years old. I know the dog will die soon, and I realized, hey, my DOG WiLL BE WAITING FOR ME IN THE LIGHT~! lol!

Seriously, that was a happy, happy realization for me.

I didn't speak to anyone in my family for about 10 years. Then my mother (not an abuser) reached out for connection and I felt that I needed to be the kind of person who forgave, not because it was necessarily asked of me (although it was, in a half @ssed kind of way) and not because the person in question really deserved to be forgiven (he did not). But I needed to develop a relationship with them (general family) that was based on the present, not the past.

For the past 10 years, I have done that. I deal with every member of my family pretty well in the present. I have not forgotten the past, and I would characterize my relationships as fairly superficial, compared to my other relationships.

It has been freeing to have a present day relationship which is largely unencumbered by the past. There are times when I still feel affected by the past, which usually is when I am having extended time with them. It takes a lot of mindfulness and a lot of effort to stay present when I have extended contact with them. I think of them as mindfulness exercises.

Anne