[sara_gabrielle]

Sometimes I feel like I am in an abusive relationship and other times I feel like maybe it is my fault. I'm so tired and confused, I can barely concentrate anymore. I'm sorry this is so long, but I just need to get this out I guess. I have been married for 15 years. We have always argued, but it just seems to get worse and worse. He says I pull his strings and make him go into a rage. He says I deserve to have my face smashed in. Everything is my fault. He says I don't participate in my life and that I walk around like a zombie and that sets him off. We end up fighting and then he keeps me from going to work, so I have to make up some excuse for my job. He tries to control all of the finances and makes me ask for money to buy things, even though the money comes from my paycheck since he has no job. I ended up selling my car because we didn't have any money and he didn't like any of the food that was in the house and wanted money to eat out, so I sold it the junkyard for a few hundred dollars. I had bought a car for him, but I am not allowed to drive it because he says I don't know how to drive so I have to rely on him if I need to go somewhere or else I have to walk. He and the only friend I had locally had a falling out, and now I am not allowed to see her anymore. He says she is not really my friend even though I have been friends with her before I ever even knew him. I feel so alone. I have no family. He doesn't become physical that often. It is mainly verbal, calling me names, stupid, idiot, and others I won't even repeat. He embarasses me in front of other people, saying I need a time out and treating me like a child. He tells me I need to get a grip or he is going to put me to bed. He tells me I have a mental illness and that is the cause of all our problems. He locked me out of the house once in the middle of winter and I slept on the deck because I didn't want to call my mother in the middle of the night (this was when she was still alive). The last time it became physical, he choked me to the point that I lost control of my bladder. It was so humiliating. This time, he just broke my phone and threatened to destroy all my things when I said was leaving. I should have left a long time ago when it would have been easier. Now, we own a house and he says I will end up having to pay the mortgage for him to live there if we get divorced because he has no job and can't support himself. I feel so trapped and so alone. Thanks for listening.

[bluemountains]

(((((sara gabrielle)))))
It is not your fault! This is definitely an abusive relationship. Please seek help. You have made the first step reaching out to this community of support.

[Open Eyes]

(((sara))))

You are definitely being abused. The way your being treated and isolated is exactly what abusers do and they always threaten you, tell you that there is something wrong with you and make it seem like you have no options but to follow their orders and abuse.

But you do have options, and you do have rights and you need to find a way, maybe at work after hours or on a break to get to some kind of hot line or a womans abuse hotline and find out how you can break free from this cycle.

There is a member here, madisgram and she often posts in Addictions and Children of Alcoholic forums and she was abused and trapped by her husband and she found a way out. You might want to PM her and ask for advice on some things you can do.

Your instincts are correct, your being abused, you do need help, don't listen to your husband reach out and find help, don't stay in that abusive relationship, you husband is ill and he will get worse.

Open Eyes

[Bill3]

He is definitely abusive. None of his abuse is your fault.

For help in leaving the relationship, contact a Domestic Violence hotline in your state (see link below or Google "Domestic violence hotline"), or, if not in the US, contact a hotline locally.

Now, we own a house and he says I will end up having to pay the mortgage for him to live there if we get divorced because he has no job and can't support himself.

That is not what will happen. If you get divorced, the house will be sold and the proceeds (after paying off the mortgage) will be divided between the two of you. Your divorce attorney will be able to advise you about the house or refer you to someone who can.

Domestic Violence hotlines: http://members.tripod.com/~CatEyes_TX/Hotlines.htm

[sara_gabrielle]

Thanks for your words of encouragement. So, I found a divorce lawyer who offers free initial consultations, and I made an appointment so I could at least see what kind of options I might have. I'm really nervous and afraid I won't go through with it. I've said I was leaving or actually left so many times and gone back. I know I have my faults, but this just can't be right to treat someone like that. I mean if he hates me enough to do these things, just leave. I really can't be this bad of a person.

[Bill3]

So, I found a divorce lawyer who offers free initial consultations, and I made an appointment so I could at least see what kind of options I might have. I'm really nervous and afraid I won't go through with it.

Good job taking that step. What day is the appointment? (so we can be thinking of you then)

I know I have my faults, but this just can't be right to treat someone like that. I mean if he hates me enough to do these things, just leave. I really can't be this bad of a person.

I agree. It isn't right. You don't deserve it. You are not a bad person.

[Open Eyes]

Sara,
Just keep in the back of your mind that his plan, as any person who is abusive, is to make you think you are powerless. So as you say that you leave and end up going back, what that means is he has just conditioned you to think poorly and feel you are undeserving and can't survive without him. This is important to an abuser and the very effectively brain wash their victims into believing they have something wrong with them.

Don't let yourself be a victim, be strong, you deserve to have a life that is free and offers real personal support and strength.

Open Eyes

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sara_gabrielle

I mean if he hates me enough to do these things, just leave. I really can't be this bad of a person.

Sara, he does these things because he needs to abuse someone. A theory about this is that he was abused and he deals with this by abusing someone else. Some people see this as how to deal with their own past abuse. They think that the only way to not feel like a victim is to be a perpetrator. Thankfully, a lot of people don't believe this because a lot of people who were abused would never abuse another person. He is sick. You deserve better. Good work going to the lawyer. We will support you here on your journey.

[Marie123]

I stayed for 31 years and then found the answer (book): THe Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; it saved my llife.

The reason you feel so exhausted and confused, is that abuse is literally brainwashing. Abusers are excruciatingly insecure and abuse is only about ONE thing.....CONTROL. Become educated and then you can make good choices; see a therapist specifically.....trained in verbal abuse; read the book I mentioned.

Think about this (abusers are ILogical); if you really were that bad person he says you are.....why is he still with you? He is DEpendent on yu and needs a scapegoat and is terrified you will....leave; see the attorney......knowledge is power; use all of the resources at your disposal.....women's shelter, reading about abuse, etc., etc..

Hugs, Alice
Yu can PM me also; I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group.

[Marie123]

Another thing you need to know. Abuse is a CHOICE.......he may not not WHY he is abusing, but he knows he is. HOW? Does he treat anyone else this way? No...that is because anyone else would put him in his place and he knows it.

It is also projection; that is when someone accuses you of something they really thin about themselves....YOU statements are lies....you are....you are....etc......I hope you will read the bok I mentioned and find a good therapist, or women's group/shelter....it took me 5 years to get a divorce after I found out what was happening to me; it should be required reading for everyone on the planet. THe global stats. are 1 in 3 women living in silence, fear and shame behind closed doors.

[Marie123]

P.S. Sorry to belabor the point, but the mistake we (the abused) make without realizing it is that we BELIEVE what the abuser is saying; I know...I did it for 31 years, and then I GOT it (light bulb moment).....he did not know everything as he said, and thought he did.....that insecurity they have and need to always be right....and he did not care what I said, thought or did, so I STOPPED responding, discussing or wasting my breath; is there someone you can stay with? He is very dangerous; please don't end up a statistic; we stay and stay and stay, because of all kinds of twisted reasons; we need to run and save our lives. Please leave and stay with someone, call a women's shelter, hotline, etc......