[LavalampTerry]

I made the terrible mistake of reading the Grand Jury indictment regarding the events that lead to the arrest of that MONSTER who has been accussed of molesting young boys at Penn State University. (if the charges are found to be true) For those who haven't read it - and, like me are sexual abuse survivors - I STRONGLY suggest you don't... As a result of my reading that 23 page document, I've been triggered something awful. There is one description of an "event" that occurred in the shower room that completely threw me. I can't stop seeing the image - as described - of what that poor boy went through... I am actually FEELING what I read. Not just the physical assault, but the feeling of ABSOLUTE POWERLESSNESS that poor boy must have been feeling during all that. During the last couple days since reading that I have not slept or eaten - am easily reduced to tears for no apparent reason - have an overwhelming urge to run and hide somewhere. To NOT be around people - even my wife. This morning I emailed my T to let her know how much I've been triggered by all the TV and radio news coverage. Hard to avoid as it seems to be on every time I turn around... Strangely, I am having a hard time walking away from the coverage when I happen across it. It's as if there is some sort of perverse, confusing curiosity or obsession to be exposed to as many details about the events as I can.

While I have SOME memory of the events of my past, I have remembered NOTHING to compare to what was depicted in that document. But, as I told my T, the sort of visceral reaction I'm having to all of this makes me wonder if perhaps there's more there than has been uncovered.

Anybody else having - or have had - this sort of reaction to publicized abuse stories??

At a loss...

[Elysium]

I haven't read the documents you speak of, nor have I really followed the story much, as I've been working the last few days and haven't had time....

But...I understand what you are saying about feeling pulled in by a story and having that visceral reaction. There was a recent story about a Judge who was filmed beating his daughter...I watched it and I was triggered by it in the same way you were triggered by this. It was really difficult because I watched the video over and over for almost three days straight and I didn't even realize I was doing it....there was this horrible attraction to what was on that tape...not because I liked it...but because I KNEW it...it was an event I was familiar with. I experienced many instances of what I watched in that video as a child, and then some. I also felt like I had to watch it because I felt like I needed to be a witness to that young woman's story. I have a family that doesn't believe my father or mother were abusive...they think they were great parents, even after they have heard the stories of what took place. It's hard for me because I feel I will never get justice for what was done to me. I only wish I was in a position to record what my parents did to me and my brother....that way I could show the world, and show all the deniers in my family and they couldn't call me a liar. In a way, I guess I'm kind of envious of her for that reason. She got to do what I've always wanted to do, but can't do.

Anyway...that was just a really long way to say "Yes, I know what you mean." I'm sorry that was so triggering for you. Know you're not alone.

[LavalampTerry]

You described it perfectly. I KNOW that powerlessness. I KNOW seeing someone watching what was happening (the indictment states eye contact was made between the boy - the pertetrator - and the person observing the incident) and NOTHING was done to stop it...!! I know the feeling of total abandonment.... My hope is that with ALL the offending parties - the one who perpetrated the abuse and all those who ENABLED it to go on perhaps the story will transition to one of healing for the victums and moving forward. It might be a LONG TIME before I get that image of that little 10 y/o out of my head though... I know of the video beating you're referring to. I saw it too many times too. And had the same sort of reaction. Just not to this level.

Thanks for the feedback. It helps.

[Sannah]

Hi Terry, that whole story is just heartwrenching. What a sick, sick guy. I can totally understand your reactions. I hope you discuss this in your therapy sessions. I'm sorry that you are having a hard time.

[plump101]

yes i read the story and am 17 and it is extremely triggering. I feel a frustration with the whole situation and cant understand why i am so angered when i should feel sad or concerned for the most part.

[BlackCanary]

Hey Terry, yes I am absolutely reacting to this. I read what you read. The local paper has a timeline graphic that breaks my heart.
So much fury that adults did not protect the kids.
So much moral failure.

Also, I just found out last month that a teacher who was inappropriate with me is still teaching, in a school where my friends have kids. SO, due to the Penn State situation there is a good deal of pressure building in me to tell, even though it has been 30 years.

I am sitting in the discomfort. I will see my T next week and figure out how to proceed. There is a support hotline in a nearby town that I can call if/when I need to talk to someone who will understand.

[bluemountains]

I just listened to the president say that the first priority is our kids. How I wish that this was indeed true. It does not seem that there is anymore of a priority for our kids than there was forty years ago when I was being abused physically and emotionally. When will the cycle of abuse really be addressed?

[notablackbarbie]

Originally Posted by LavalampTerry

I made the terrible mistake of reading the Grand Jury indictment regarding the events that lead to the arrest of that MONSTER who has been accussed of molesting young boys at Penn State University. (if the charges are found to be true) For those who haven't read it - and, like me are sexual abuse survivors - I STRONGLY suggest you don't... As a result of my reading that 23 page document, I've been triggered something awful. There is one description of an "event" that occurred in the shower room that completely threw me. I can't stop seeing the image - as described - of what that poor boy went through... I am actually FEELING what I read. Not just the physical assault, but the feeling of ABSOLUTE POWERLESSNESS that poor boy must have been feeling during all that. During the last couple days since reading that I have not slept or eaten - am easily reduced to tears for no apparent reason - have an overwhelming urge to run and hide somewhere. To NOT be around people - even my wife. This morning I emailed my T to let her know how much I've been triggered by all the TV and radio news coverage. Hard to avoid as it seems to be on every time I turn around... Strangely, I am having a hard time walking away from the coverage when I happen across it. It's as if there is some sort of perverse, confusing curiosity or obsession to be exposed to as many details about the events as I can.

While I have SOME memory of the events of my past, I have remembered NOTHING to compare to what was depicted in that document. But, as I told my T, the sort of visceral reaction I'm having to all of this makes me wonder if perhaps there's more there than has been uncovered.

Anybody else having - or have had - this sort of reaction to publicized abuse stories??

At a loss...

(((((everyone)))))

I am sorry you are struggling with these recent revelations.

To answer your question, YES I can relate to becoming obsessed with needing to know more of the details about these cases of publicized child abuse
-to address shame
-which also fuels guilt
-to acknowledge frustration
-which also leads to wondering...what would have happened if it were me? Would anyone care even less? Are safeguard/safety net in place to prevent and stop this? Abusers can be punished?

Plus I do walk around now with a lot of anger, resentment, and – lets be honest – hate. Hating witnesses and bystanders, hating the surrounding community and their “feedback”, hating the perpetrators. Except I go too far. I am not familiar with this case (although typing in Penn State on Google leads to A LOT, so I do understand that it is a big case). There are others where I am just angry because I can relate too much. And more recently, I am taking these worries outside of just responding to news reports to everywhere else
-is everyone like this?
-is what I see *here*…possibly mean *this*…?
-does no one really care?

Finally, I am just frustrated with all of these cases cumulatively together… especially when the media then just moves on to *the next scandal*. How does one seriously just move on?

[Open Eyes]

Lava,
This is a terrible incident that took place, I am so sorry you were triggered so badly by it.
There have been times when I have heard of stories of very little girls that have been abused and I can even remember one in Forida that really upset me because the young girl didn't get away and that is how I felt, I felt trapped and very scared something like that might happen if I spoke up. That is what all victims feel and all abusers make sure they feel powerless.

As much as you are disturbed by it, you need to think about the positive in all of this.
When something like this takes place and it is actually a powerful person that gets caught and that person is punished, and the person who witnessed it should also be punished for not reporting what he saw, it is a message to many. People truely have to come forward and speak up, vicitims have to learn that they can speak up and that now it will be taken seriously. Anytime something like this becomes public it is a very strong message that this is wrong and people are punished, truely punished, even people in high places.

As a society we all have to know that this will probably always happen, and we must truely learn to report it and that it is wrong, no matter who does it. And as things like this become public somewhere there may be someone who is worried about speaking up and they may see this and decide to speak up. We all, as a society have to make sure we speak up and if we do, we will make a difference.

Open Eyes

[LavalampTerry]

For any males out there who are needing help with this issue, I stumbled on a good website today. MaleSurvivor.org. Check it out if you're interested.

As for the rest of the comments, please know that I apprciate all the support. Really!! For whatever reason - and there is a very good article today on the MSNBC website that addresses this - these allegations / these acts if proven - have really triggered me. And from what I'm reading is triggering many others. These revelations, the awful details, the non stop media coverage (with little or NO mention of the victums!!), have thrown me for a loop!! My T & I have been in contact and we will be addressing this at our next session. In the meantime I'm gonna lean on my support - you guys!! - my wife - and work off LOTS of negative energy at the gym. I need to get ready for the holidays anyway...

Thank you all!! For being here.

Terry

[Open Eyes]

(((((((Lavalamp))))))))

Whenever a survivor of abuse hears of another victim it is always very troubling as we truely know how it feels.

Open Eyes