[Open Eyes]

Oh I don't know, wasn't really prepared for this. My sister is erupting again.

First I want to say, I didn't like it being little. Between both my sister and brother I was too little, both controlling and the sexual stuff. I don't even want to remember.

I can't hear my sister's voice and she has been calling and leaving long condescending messages, brings me all the way back. I don't like what she says to my daughter, and I don't like her around my daughter. I don't like how my mother acts after she has been around my mother. My mother starts saying she cant remember anymore, when I know she can.

My sister called today to tell there has been a change, I thought it had something to do with my mother's health, it wasn't, she just wanted to tell me that she is in control of my mother's finances and has been in control for a while. I knew both her and her daughter researched my parents funds. My neice had been doing that for a long time.

I want to tell my daughter about my past, yet I don't want to tell her. But it makes me very uncomfortable when my sister starts telling people I am crazy.
My sister can do as she pleases with her children, I just don't like her around mine. My daughter is 27 and I know she is her own keeper now. But I dont like how my sister creeped in and planted some bad seeds.

Should I tell my daughter about her aunt? Oh, I am not doing so well today, too much of my sister twice in a row. I don't want to feel this way anymore. And it is really hard for me to put this here. I just don't want to feel this way. I am trying not to, I don't have time for this I have too much on my plate already.

Open Eyes

[Flooded]

I would tell her.

[Open Eyes]

Thanks Flooded. I feel awful even saying this here. How will my daughter believe me after I have hid this all these years? And I have been so confused about this, I don't want my daughter to see the polution. My daughter used to be so proud of the family.
It always seems to come back to me, if I wasn't here somehow or something. I hate how all this has come back to haunt me. I wanted to think it didnt matter somehow. It just feels like it has to stay hidden, its too late.
Open Eyes

[Sannah]

She deserves to know the history of her family. You should not have to keep secrets.

[Rose76]

It might be best to wait until you are not acutely agitated over your sister's behavior. But not necessarily. I would say you want to be somewhat in control of yourself when you communicate sensitive information. Like the others above, I would cast my vote on the side of letting your daughter in on more of the truth about your family. At age 27, she is well old enough to be allowed to know things that it was appropriate to not share when she was little.

She has a right to work out her own relationship with her aunt. However, what is unbalanced about that is that her aunt has information that she does not. So she is vulnerable to being exploited by her aunt. That's where I think you have a duty to your daughter. At age, 27 your daughter is still naive to much of what one eventually learns in life. I'm not saying: Put an old head on young shoulders. That really can't be done. But there is such a thing as appropriate sharing regarding some of the unpleasant and even shocking truths about life. I believe parents have a role they should play in preparing their adult children for what can come at them in life, especially from older, manipulative, more experienced adults.

I might re-frame your question slightly, and I hope I don't sound presumptuous or condescending. The way you spoke was perfectly natural, but here's my thought: The question is really not so much "Should I tell my daughter about her aunt?" I would frame it as "Should I tell my daughter more about myself, and more about how life operates, and how people operate, and how others may have agendas that she doesn't know about that could imply using her as a pawn in their games?"

You don't want to be interpreted by your daughter as engaging in mean-spirited gossip, just resurrecting past hurts to turn her against someone like her aunt. I very much don't believe that is what you are about. It does sound like your daughter is being "took in" by your sister's slyness. That is partly because she is young and partly because she is not in possession of all the facts, as your sister is. So some calm and careful sharing of some hard to talk about experiences might help her to become a wiser young lady. I would stick to facts and let her draw her own conclusions from them, as she will do anyway. That's why you want to engage her went you are not over-excited.

Don't in anyway press on your daughter to assure you that she understands your pain and/or see's things your way. I would say, "Honey, you will have to make up your own mind about lots of things, but there is a lot you don't know that you are old enough to hear about and, maybe, take into consideration in forming your own judgments."

I've been through the scenario of having a sister who gained control of a parent's finances and the emotional devastation that came in the aftermath of that, where everyone distrusted everyone. It was, and continues to be, a nightmare. And my sister was actually a person with an impeccable history of being the "decent sort." So I hate to think what waits down the road for your family. All I can say is that there is little in life that makes for so much ugliness as conflict over money. Given the past you have already endured, I think it's time to open up some closed closet doors, before there is a flood of new anguish to deal with.

[Open Eyes]

Thanks Rose, I have put this question on a back burner and your advice is a much better way to think about this question and how to approach it.

I am just very misunderstood by all of my family and I can't blame them, who can possibly understand something that I, myself am struggling to understand.

Thank you all for your responses, as you know PTSD can cloud with emotion and exposing the past with too much emotion and so little understanding of how I struggle can end up causing me more anguish, misunderstanding, distance and pain.

Open Eyes

[kindachaotic]

My mother didn't tell me until she was 75 yrs old that her father had molested her & 3 of her sisters.

Now she is 78 & I am 54. Really, really wish she had told me sooner. It would have connected the dots on a lot of our family dynamics.

My grandfather died when I was 2 1/2 so I never knew him.

This was never discussed outside of my mom & her sisters. For some reason they never told my grandmother.

She has never told my dad, they have been married 56 yrs. She never enjoyed sex, says it's nasty. Says she feels cold when it comes to sex. Also told me recently that he hardly ever wants to do it anymore, age I guess... She is immensely relieved.

My mother has lived a life of probable PTSD, depression & GAD. These are my personal observations of looking back at her thru my childhood then adult years.

Heartbreaking. Like I said, for me personally, I wish I had known sooner.

[likewater]

Your daughter should and would want to know. I don't understand why your sister is not an ally. I'm sorry that it seems no one in your family of origin is available to support you, and then you don' t share with your daughter and immediate family. That must leave you feeling really alone.

[TerryL]

I see it as an opportunity to have an open dialogue with your daughter, to share with her who you are, and to talk about family issues. My family never talked about feelings or issues and I would have loved it. I know you are afraid of the repercussions but I think your daughter will appreciate the communication. That is how we heal. Good luck Open Eyes

[bluemountains]

Dear Open Eyes,
In reading your post, it seems to me that your sister still is bullying you. In my own family there are still secrets of the past that have ruined family relationships. I cannot repair everyone in my family, but I am finally dealing with my past and being honest with myself and my children. They know that mom is treated for depression. My oldest daughter, 16, does not yet know entirely of my childhood, but she does know of the alcoholism and some of the abuse. I will let her know more as she matures. Fortunately, she is a strong young woman, and she doesn't carry my ghosts with her. When the time comes, I will also be honest with my younger children, boys.

I have finally learned that honesty, not secrets, keep relationships healthy.

Bluemountains

[Open Eyes]

I think so many victims think they just have to deal with these issues on their own.
I have to admitt that it is very hard to talk about and many truely just don't realize that it really does leave scars that we are often just not aware of. I had managed to find a way to get along with my sister for many years, I had thought we were even very close.

I just didn't expect how she was going to change when my mother was struggling with back surgery and my sister began her cursade on the dimencia kick. I did understand that this question can come up as parents age but my sister was just being Dr. Who and as soon as I didn't agree, that was it. And I will never forget the way my sister talked to me in the psychward, blaming everything on me. Oh she was so cold and told me if I didn't get my act together and follow the program with the drugs etc. I would just lose my family and my farm.

Never, ever, in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how my whole life would be effected by watching so much get distroyed. I realize now as I am learning about PTSD, that I walked the edge of it all my life. All that time I thought I was coping and finding my way, thinking that I had gotten past so much, and I did get past so many things. It just seems incredibly cruel that I would end up with this terrible disorder/damage called PTSD. I am glad that my daughter doesn't live with me right now, I can see how my struggles are so misunderstood, even by myself and it has placed me in such a vulnerable position. All I can think of is the many times I struggled with real illnesses, years of dealing with endometriosis and all that pain, and being injured in a colonoscopy, and almost dieing in my room because of a ruptured appendix that was infecting my body cavity. I complained and dealt and no one believed me until I got so bad that I had to have surgery. It is so bazaar to me because I am trying to again tell those around me that I am truely struggling and I truely need a break and get help and again no one seems to get it.

I think this is a cruel disorder/damage to have to struggle with, it is so incredibly cruel because it truely disables me beyond my control. And I am really trying but I am feeling more and more triggers that are like bullets that hit me out of no where completely disabling me. I find it extremely dibilitating and I can see that I truely have a very acute case of it. And as I am in this dark hole of this disorder I have days of feeling so helpless that I really have bad thoughts. And it is also hard because I was very strong in my life and extremely resourseful. So people look at me like I must be faking or overacting or something because they only saw that strong person.

I stayed with my husband, 31 years, raised a daughter and took every step to work at my marrige and raise my daughter through so much, holding so much in so that she could have so much. My daughter is gone and now I am with my husband who is trying but carries a residue from being an alcoholic that even though he stayed sober and went to meetings, his reactions towards me and his loud body language where I can see his anger and if he is not cutting me off in conversation, he does it with his body language. He shows everything he is thinking on his face and now for me those faces go back so many years, I struggle because he is very triggering. I don't want it to be that way, I DO love him and after all, he did stay sober, but he took years to grow up and he has worked hard. And he is close to my daughter, I sure did that well, but I suffered so she could have her daddy and I suffered more than I ever dreamed.

The damage created by my neighbor, leaving me with a loss of so much that I had worked for goes beyond anything I could have ever imagined. The bills, dealing with the aftermath, my family issues, every single day I am drowning. I have been trying to find a way to allow people around me to understand that it is just too much. And my lawyer?
I have not been able to deal with that at all right now. I don't see how my daughter is ever going to understand the depths of how I truely struggle. I try every single day to get up and work at all this mess and at the same time I am trying to express that I am clearly overwhelmed and I am so incredibly tired. My husband it trying to help in his own way and he doesn't get how hard it truely is for me. I am stuck between trying to talk about it and yet trying not to overwhelme him because I know that he could just fall apart too. And all of these feelings go way back to that child who struggled so, couldn't really tell, just too much chaos. I am trying one day at a time and I go outside and wander around my farm trying to do chores, and yet I see it all slipping away and I don't know where to gain strength to push through. I do try but the anxiety attacks are just crippling me, and I get exhausted. And I am at the point where I honestly don't think anyone is ever going to understand, even myself, how truely crippled this has made me.

And I am trying to tell my parents that I need help. But now they are old and I am back in that same position that I struggled with when I was so young, how awful is that? I truely need to have a break from all this aftermath, I keep trying to say that and no one hears me. Every single day for over four years has been so much struggle with no real release. I don't know how much more I will last, I just try every day to get through every day and pray.

Open Eyes

[notablackbarbie]

((((Open Eyes))))
i am so sorry you are going through all of this...

[likewater]

((((Open eyes)))) you will NEVER be in the sane position you were when you were young. You were helpless and i child, am i right? You are an adult now. I know you are struggling, but you NEVER, EVER have to go back to being that powerless. No one not your sister or neighbor can take away your adulthood. It only feels that way.
I'm so sorry that you went through so much physical and emotional pain and no one took you seriously. My own sister has said some hurtful things in past similar to what your sister told you. Mine doesnt remember saying them. My sister has some memory
problems , so do i. My sister also yelled at me during asthma attacks. She thought it was me being dramatic or something. I talked to
a T about it once. T said that people who love us sometimes
Tell us super hurtfull things because they want to spare themselves pain of watching us in pain. My sister abd i are good now. Would your sister and husband go to therapy with you. I know money is issue. There could be low cost options for therapy through church or county. If you dont want sister to go, probably your husband could join you for some of sessions. i hate for you to feel so alone and misunderstood.

(((Open eyes))) i just like you a lot. I like your love of animals, spirituality, the words you post, i'm gunning for you

[Rose76]

Wow, in reading about your situation, I got an insight that I never had before. Some years before my father died, my sister started telling me he was senile. I didn't agree. Seeing as how I spent years working in Geriatrics, I am professionally trained to evaluate for cognitive decline in the elderly. My father was never senile. I really never got why my sister was pushing that idea on me, and I really just didn't pay much attention to her. I thought it was her earnest opinion, and that she was just mistaken.

Reading your post, Open Eyes, caused a light bulb to suddenly go on in my head. This never even occurred to me before. When an adult child wants control over what a parent has, wouldn't it serve that agenda to be able to say that the parent is not truly competent. OMG! I'm so naive that I never even thought of that. Plus, I really trusted my sister.

I share this here just to affirm to you that you are possibly dealing with a sibling who has a way more fully thought out master plan than what you may have suspected before. Though you seem to be catching on at present. Once a son or daughter gets that P.O.A., they live in fear of ever losing it. If the parent develops dementia, then they can relax more and feel the P.O.A. is securely theirs. No longer do they have to fear the parent rescinding it, but they do worry about a sibling contesting their stewardship of the parent's resources. So protecting their power becomes a big priority.

My sister actually has been pretty decent about how she has handled a lot. Unfortunately, she was so paranoid about anyone challenging her. Now I understand more -- more about my own family, and more about life in general -- specifically, issues of power.

Someone above brought up the notion of bullying. Very astute. Isn't PTSD a result of having suffered the experience of feeling powerless. How human beings react to power -- having it, losing it, wanting it -- is really something important to think about.

[TerryL]

Hi Open Eyes--I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I don't know a lot about your circumstances but you don't have to be in this on your own. May I ask what happened 4 years ago?

[Open Eyes]

Terry, my neighbors electric containment system that was underground to contain thier dog broke and instead of replacing it they just fiddled with it and then let the dog out and the dog came onto my property and chased around my horse and ponies late at night while I slept. The dog didn't bark so I was not aware of how bad it was and this went on for almost three months on Sunday and Monday nights. I would feed them at night and everyone was fine and in the morning I would find someone sick or hurt. Then my husband and I saw the whole thing, the dog running laps around them and the next morning just about all of them were lame and injured, some permanently, 4 had choked and wouldn't eat and I ended up losing my favorite lesson, pet pony as she never recovered from choking, I worked on trying to save her for almost two months. When I lost that fight ( I had her hooked up to IVs etc) I just broke. I am left with crippled animals and about $30k in charges for vet bills and it ruined my business. Years of hard work building a business, ruined. Ruined by negligence, the neighbor knew their fence wasnt working.

I lost so much, everywhere I looked and I basically went into shock, it was just too much. I didn't understand it then but now that I know more about PTSD I went through all the stages and just couldn't afford therapy.

Apparently all this loss created PTSD from the loss itself and that also brought in the past somehow. It was like some invisible flood gate opened. It has been extremely difficult for me to understand. But I have really bad PTSD and I have sued my neighbor but this whole experience has proven extremely difficult and has made the PTSD worse.
I am not suing for medical because that would allow my neighbors to know about my CSA and they have no business knowing that. Their negligence should not give them permission to trespass on me any further. And I have a lawyer who is now old and very forgetful and is messing up and I can't find another attorney that will take the case because they all know my attorney.

Oh there is so much going on all at once that with the PTSD I am really struggling. I need to pursue the case because the cost of damage and the value of animals destroyed is great, plus the loss of business. It just wiped me out in more ways than I could have ever imagined.

I have been struggling so much that I tried to ask my parents for some financial help, as it is I should be getting more therapy than I am getting. But my sister just called me and pretty much told me that she is in control now and not to bother my parents with my issues. That in itself triggers all the way back when I didn't talk because I was afraid of upsetting the family. So basically my family doesn't truely understand how much this acute case of PTSD is crippling me. The only one that really sees it is my therapist. It is just a mess everywhere I look, every single part of my life has been torn apart. And I havent a any real rest in over four years, I am literally trapped in this event in every place in my life.

I am so crippled by this PTSD that often I struggle just to function. I am trying very hard, but no one understands how truel crippling it is. I have always been a strong person, but this mess is too much. And all this damage just blew may family apart, it is such a mess.

Tonite I am trying to stay awake because one of the ponies that was damaged is sick. Her digestive track has never been the same and I kept her stable for many months and I don't know what is bothering her now. I had to have the vet come out and I can't even pay her. What next?

That is the short version.

Open Eyes

[TerryL]

[quote=Open Eyes;2125642]

the next morning just about all of them were lame and injured, some permanently, 4 had choked and wouldn't eat and I ended up losing my favorite lesson, pet pony as she never recovered from choking, I worked on trying to save her for almost two months. When I lost that fight ( I had her hooked up to IVs etc) I just broke.

How awful. I love animals and to think of the terror your horses must have felt. I would be traumatized too. btw what is choking?

I am left with crippled animals and about $30k in charges for vet bills and it ruined my business. Years of hard work building a business, ruined. Ruined by negligence, the neighbor knew their fence wasnt working.

That is maddening and so unfair.

Apparently all this loss created PTSD from the loss itself and that also brought in the past somehow.

So sorry..

And I have a lawyer who is now old and very forgetful and is messing up and I can't find another attorney that will take the case because they all know my attorney.

Have you tried Legal Aid? if they can't help maybe they can give you a referral?

The only one that really sees it is my therapist.

I am glad you have him/her.

It is just a mess everywhere I look, every single part of my life has been torn apart. And I havent a any real rest in over four years,

That's a long time...

Tonite I am trying to stay awake because one of the ponies that was damaged is sick. Her digestive track has never been the same and I kept her stable for many months and I don't know what is bothering her now.

What happened to her digestive track? do you belong to any online horse care forums? I have bunnies and some are prone to digestive problems too. (from hairballs) Only found out recently that a simple small dose of extra virgin olive oil was the easiest and best treatment...even the vets didn't know about it. learned it from my online bunny club.

[Rose76]

I hope your sick pony will eat and recover. You are doing your best and giving her love, too, I am sure. I took care of a lady, once, whose family owned a ranch. They would talk about how a horse can sometimes "twist a gut" and that could happen just from the horse just rolling around a bit on the ground. They explained that would be a big emergency. And I thought how there is so much more to caring for horses than I would have thought. I hope things get better for your horse, soon.