False Memories?

Can anybody tell me, how common are false memories? The reason I ask is because I've been in therapy for a number of years now, working on issues from my childhood -- and i have what I'd call partial memories -- usually involving only a few seconds -- of disturbing events that I definitely know took place as a kid. The problem is that the rest of the memories are gone, there are big holes. In one case in particular, the perpetrator in the event is not remembered, only the sound of my sister begging and crying Don't, and my stomach all knotted up and terrified.

I'd like to just forget about it and move on with my life, but I seem unable to. Even though i don't think about it consciously, it's like i can feel it under the surface -- the pain and fear. Sometimes i get triggered (such as hearing about SA in the news, i get very forgetful and spacy, lose things, and lose my sense of direction. I also become aware of great emotional pain that is lodged in me and that sometimes results in crying spells. But the problem is that i can't explain WHY the pain is there, i only know that it IS there.

My t and I suspect that there are events that I've consciously forgotten about that an inner part of me remembers and is hanging onto. And while my t is not pusing me to try to recover these memories, i think that she believes that the memories are there, and that is what prompts my dissociative and flashback-type episodes.

My t has been asking me to pay attention to what that hurting part of me needs to say, instead of getting overwhelmed and going numb or cutting off all my emotions. The problem is, I am terrified to listen to that inner part of me because it is telling me that a certain member of my family may have been the abuser. I don't want to believe this with all my heart! And there is no way that i can get anybody in my family to verify this or even talk about what happened. I'll never know for sure. And it scares me, and makes me feel really guilty, to even be suspicious about this person because it feels so wrong to point the finger if maybe they didn't do it. But my t seems to think that i need to acknowledge what that part of me is saying, and talk about it and get the feelings out -- or else i might not ever be able to let go of this and heal. I don't know what to do!!

My h suspects this particular person in my family of being the abuser, and i keep telling myself that maybe the only reason i am suspecting him now is because my h has put that idea in my mind. But there are a number of other minor details, that when put together, seem to point to that person. I keep pushing away the notion, and the fear and feelings with it, because i don't want to blame anybody and don't want to deal with it. But in the meantime, i am stuck not being able to move forward in therapy because i am always getting triggered and dissociating and having emotional reactions that don't fit the present day and that i can't explain logically. It's like one minute i am calm, professional, in control, adult functioning well, and then some reminder happens -- either about SA or abandonment -- and i become either emotionally reactive or spacy/dissociative.

Can anybody shed any light on this, or have any good advice for how to move forward? Like i said, i'd like to just forget the traumas and move forward. But my subconscious mind refuses to let me do it.

Please help!

p.s. I am on 3 psychiatric meds which seem to work well, so i don't think it's a problem of needing meds. It is when i get triggered that i suddenly become like this very needy, very scared child who needs protection, but i don't know from what. . .

I have no great advice, because I am just now going through similar things in therapy. I feel for you, though. It's so hard when you have this HUGE emotional response to something with no logical reason way. My T says the same thing yours does -- that there's probably something there, and it will come out when I'm ready.

I go againt popular opinion and am very, very cautious about the 'recovery' of repressed memories. I don't necessarily believe in the term ' false memories' (there is NO such thing as 'false memory syndrome' - it is merely a phrase coined by opponents of recovered memory therapy and is not a scientifically validated 'syndrome' at all), however I do strongly believe that memories recovered through therapy processes are often grossly distorted. The research about recovered memories suggests they can be contaminated by a wide variety of factors, such as fears, unconscious suggestions and expectations, and also that they can be 'pooled' - which means what is recovered as a single memory can actually be a conglomeration of several events merged into one. I do not mean to say that recovered memories are false, because many of them do draw from very real experiences, but the research suggests that they draw from many other sources as well.

Another thing about memory is that we unconsiously change and develop memories every time we think about them. Every time you think about this incident with your sister you are unconsciously developing it further - when you think that it might have something to do with sexual abuse you are unconsciously creating it to be that way. It may be that it was a true sexually abusive event, or it may not be. The nature of memory means that you may never know for sure one way or the other, although many supporters of recovered memory therapy will argue otherwise.

I am certainly not saying that all memories are false, or that what you are remembering is not true. I caution you against 'searching' for more, though, because anything that is remembered from here on in will most likely be contaminated by belief, expectation, suggestion and other experiences you have had.

I know my opinion will not be popular, but it is what it is.

As for a way to move forward... what I learned when trying to find my own way through the confusing tangle of recovered memories was to trust and heal the emotions that came up. It didn't matter what the source of the feelings was, it was them that needed healing. In my own therapy we worked through the memories with what I call 'suspended belief' - we dealt with what came up, but without necessarily labelling the memories as actual truth. It might sound weird, but it worked. I guess I took the stance that my mind was creating 'stories' to enable me to work through the trauma. I knew there was some truth to the memories (some of my perps had confirmed abuse had occurred), but also knew there was distortion involved too. Ultimately I don't think absolute truth is important - what is more important is to work through the feelings that keep causing you trouble, regardless of their source.

hi
I can't exactly help you but I wanted to post. Your post could have easily been written by me. I completely understand. I'm in the same boat as you with the hazy memories, the suspicions and the doubts.......I know exactly what you're going through. Just wanted you to know you're not alone...........
Toesquasher

Luce, my T is also very cautious about mistaken memories, and he's very careful about not "searching" for memories. We work more on my feeling safe and grounded so that if I remember something, I'm not overwhelmed. He doesn't suggest things to me, as a general rule. Sometimes, it's almost weird the way he doesn't comment. Like, I have a really clear memory of what it feels like to have a gun pressed against my head, but no idea why I KNOW what that feels like. There's only blackness associated with the feeling and the idea of a lot of screaming. My T had no comment at all when I was talking about that.

It wasn't until I was talking to my sister and told her about the feeling and the blackness that it made sense, because she said, "that's because when you're really little and someone presses a gun to your head, you squeeze your eyes shut. So all you can see is the black." I asked her if someone did that to us when we were really little and she just said, "probably." She remembered my mom "accidentally" shooting through the wall and almost hitting my sister and me while we napping on the bed.

I can't overstate how much these kinds of doubts have tortured me over the years. I finally came to the conclusion that even if only the memories I can positively verify (because someone else remembers it too or I'm absolutely certain for some other reason) are true, and the rest either aren't or are terribly distorted, I have reason to be struggling and can cut myself some slack.

In a weird way this current mess at Penn State has helped me because I see how those men behaved and covered each other and how even now some fans are mad at the victims for talking, and I think, yes, I recognize that pattern alright. It's a backwards sort of confirmation.

It takes so much courage to see the world as it really is. If you haven't been directly harmed so that you HAVE to look, it's easier to just deny or avoid. People don't want to think about it so they don't, and when it looks like they might have to, they clearly make it known you should shut up because you are probably crazy. That's for THEM, not you.

You probably aren't crazy.

Some memories might be distorted. So what? Doesn't mean you have no reason to be feeling the way you are feeling.

Hang in there.