I finally told my T today the major reason I felt like it (CSA) was my fault. I posted about it in the therapy forum. A big part of me talking about it was the support you guys gave me that what I had to say was not gross, and it really wasn't my fault.

My T was really nice. He did not think it was my fault still and kept saying I wasn't a participant. He kept saying eight year olds don't participate and aren't responsible, and if it was some anonymous eight year old, I would never in a million years hold her responsible.

Was telling somehow supposed to make me feel better? Whole? Clean? I don't feel any of those things. I feel kind of ill that someone knows. I felt bad enough in an anonymous forum. Having someone who actually knows me know feels pretty awful. My T said that nothing I said would change the love and trust between us. I just feel so sick. Like he's just being nice but really felt like taking a shower after we talked.

[Sannah]

Maybe you are projecting your feelings onto him? You might not feel better right away but this is the path to healing. You have to get this stuff out.

[shezbut]

My sharing experiences with my T haven't miraculously changed my perspective either.

I was terrified to tell anyone, but talking about incidents here & there have slowly made my self-blame and self-hate less intense. It's still a roller coaster for me ~ ups and downs, as well as tunnels. But I do have ups, which is an improvement for me.

I hope that you start feeling a bit of relief soon. Best wishes to you!

[JLarissaDragon]

Healing is usually not instantaneous. I have things that I can not talk about without crying, but each time it is a little easier. And no it is not ever the fault of an 8 year old. It is amazing how perps can make their victims feel responsible. I really am sorry that you had to deal with such abuse and I hope that you will really find the healing you need and desire

This is some multifaceted and complex doo-doo, IME. It's been about 15 years since I told my first T about the CSA, and just last week I was asking my (3rd) T if I "provoked" it. What's different now is that I don't feel dirty or gross, I think I still feel some shame, and I still feel that my fault is a piece of what is still attached to these experiences for me. It's like a kaleidoscope shifting in small ways over time, the picture shifts, but I still recognize that it's a kaleidoscope.

My fault has shifted from what I think it first was, which was "It was my fault because I was bad" to something else over time. Now I'm kind of working on "it was my fault because I didn't see it coming" when I think that I somehow "should" have been able to see the signs. Actually, I think that I did see the signs, but one of the ways that I coped was to pretend that I wasn't afraid, because I didn't like walking around afraid, so I "missed" the signs.

I also find that fault and blame are sometimes just stand ins for something else for me, like control. If I can somehow assign myself some fault, then I can pretend like I have control over whether or not something bad will ever happen to me again. So sometimes I feel that I need to have some fault in my story, so it doesn't feel like some all out, out of control, random thing that happened to me.

I also find that the greater my self acceptance, the smaller my sense of fault becomes and it can almost morph at times to something that is functional, for what I need, at this time.

Anne

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi,
Will you please go to "dissociative disorders" forum on page 2,and heading "love,love me do"? What you see there
is really a truism for ALL abuse of children.Because a child
by nature is egocentric,they will NOT blame the adult,THEY
take any and all "blame"upon themselves.The child does NOT,I repeat NOT,have the tiniest responsibility for what
happens to them!Please don't do this to yourselves,it is not
only wrong,it is unjust too.
Warmest Regards,
BLUEDOVE.

[Open Eyes]

Mykidsarecool,
What your experiencing is that your thinking about this past exprience as an adult. You honestly have to understand that you simply cannot judge your past with your now adult understanding of that experience. Bluedove is correct, it was not your fault.

You cannot go through the rest of you life feeling dirty or ashamed. Honestly, you would not feel that way if you knew how common this kind of experience is. Therapists address this alot, and they do understand that it is not the fault of the child. Your therapist is not judging you.

Please know that human beings are sexual beings, and they become aware of this part of themselves at a surprisingly young age. However, children don't truely understand what it really means the way you know now.

Be kind to yourself and forgiving to that little girl in you that truely was just a little girl and simply didn't know better.

(((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes