I was watching a cable series called Stalked on the Investigation and Discovery network. Although I am an abuse survivor with PTSD, I have never been stalked, and I wasn't expecting it to trigger. It did.

This episode showed a woman who had just been divorced and was starting to date again. She wanted to take it slow, but the new guy in her life kept trying to push things to the next level too fast. Six months into it, he wanted to move in with her and her two kids. She declined, but soon she caught him angrily berating her teenage daughter, who hadn't really done anything wrong, but he was making a big deal out of it. She promptly put him in his place, reminding him firmly that her kids were hers to raise, not his. Then she tried to end it with him, but he wouldn't go away. Law enforcement was too ineffective for too long, because it was a tight, small town community, the sheriff had known his family all his life, etc. There were many-times-daily phone calls riddled with profanity, telling her she had better not have anyone else because that is "their" bed. He constantly drove by her home, pretty much keeping her prisoner there, while the law enforcement sat on their thumbs. It ended with him forcibly entering her home and attacking her physically, cutting off her frantic 911 call, for which he was finally arrested. Then came the phone call from jail. He's crying, and telling her, "I'm looking at 25 years. Is that what you want? Let's talk this over. I love you so much."

That's when I snapped. The air in my own home turned blue with words that are not normally part of my vocabulary.

No, I've never been stalked, but several years ago, a member of my family was trying to end a relationship with a partner who, like the man in this episode, called many times a day and left messages saying, "You might as well answer the phone. I know you're home, and I'm coming over...." and downplayed his jealousy and anger issues with sobbing statements like, "Baby, I just have no control when it comes to you." That one didn't end so violently, thank God, and that man is no longer part of my family member's life.

I think what hit me hardest was when he had the gall to call his controlling behavior "love." There have been men in my own life, and I witnessed men in my mother's life, who were the same breed of dog. (Not to degrade such a noble animal as the dog.) Some of my mother's live-in lovers also overstepped their bounds when it came to taking authority. These were unemployed bums sponging off her welfare checks, so no, they had no room for, "Well, I may not be your father, but I'm paying your bills, so you do what I say." The clout they had was, "You do what I say, or I'll (insert threat of bodily harm here.)" But unlike the mother in this episode, my mother didn't put those men in their place and remind them that she will discipline her own children, thank you very much. My mother lived in some kind of June Cleaver dream world, thinking that her children had to have a father figure, and any man would do, no matter how unsuitable he was for the job. She just let them say and do whatever they wanted, and stood back watching like a 1950's TV mom saying, "Listen to your father, children." She had many loves. Eight total husbands, plus live-ins between marriages. The abuse she exposed us to ranged from "you're a dumbass" because I got a 99, not a 100, all the way to molestation. And she didn't even put THAT man in jail. In fact, she came very near to getting back together with him--AFTER she knew he had molested me. Nowadays there is no way any family member--and they try--can ever convince me that my mother loves me. She didn't protect me or look out for my best interest like a mother who loves.

And that, I think, explains the trigger. Yeah, the legal system failed that woman for so long. But at least she tried to protect her children from that monster, and my mother never did.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

thanks for sharing such a poignant story.

I am sorry you were triggered.

I hate it when perps talk about love that way!

(pretending to throw up)

Billi

I've had people in my life who appeared to love me and think I was interesting, and then, after I trust them, they betray my trust. It hurt. I got angry at myself and my T and pdoc. After I vented my anger, I was able to see the larger picture of what happened. It still hurts, but it is less mysterious and less threatening now. It wasn't my fault, that was the most important fact I needed to accept. It sounds like you have a deep scar from abusive men. There sure seem to be a lot of abusive men, these days. They are abusive to me also. I've learned to avoid them or not let their abuse hurt me, unless it is physical. I hope your broken heart can heal

[Unrigged64072835]

I'm sorry you were triggered by this story. It upset me as well.

[unaluna]

1. This is why I am content with having only 3 channels.
2. This is why I am content with having no contact with family.
Thanks for reminding me, Lovebirds, how safe and happy I really am, and WHY - I am now successfully protecting myself.

[pbutton]

I can certainly understand this trigger. I think you have excellent insight.

[Sannah]

[Open Eyes]

Oh, I am sorry that you got triggered, I have had that happen to me unexpectedly as well, never a pleasant experience. I am glad to hear that your family member is away from that toxic person now. It is hard to observe how many different ways toxic people can do some very distrubing things to others. I have to be careful myself what I watch.
((((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Hugs and thanks all around. I do have to be careful what I watch sometimes. Not all episodes of a show will do it, but some can be iffy. I have to be real careful with SVU, for example. I like that show and I love the actors, but the story lines can really do it for me. SVU deals with sexual crimes, and I was a victim of that.