why do mean people fake nice?

I guess I'm looking for mommy love. Sometimes thinking about what it would feel like to be held, and made to feel important, to feel a heartbeat next to my ear. It makes tears come to my eyes. It hurts. I try to laugh. I make others laugh. I try to be helpful. Then I realize that the people aren't even aware I'm in pain. If I told them I am in pain, I would visit the psych ward for a few days. Or they would inform me that a lot of people are in more pain than me. They think I am overeacting. Sometimes they ridicule me, I'm a whiner. They enjoy laughing at my expressions of pain, "poor baby.." I've thought before that God might be merciful to end this world. Making a mistake is human. Making a mistake, but doing it again, anyway. I think thats addiction. Making a mistake, doing it anyway, then murdering anyone who reminds the person of the mistake. What is that? Diaboical, as in diablo. I've seen and experienced signs and omens. The diablo is on earth. Someone once told me that the door of hell, closes slowly. I think it is nearly shut. Maybe all this torment I've been experiencing for so long, is preparing me for some event that is coming. Maybe the closing of hell door. When the dammed realize their is no second chance and their fate is sealed, they will erupt. Maybe God is preparing me to carry on, while they cry and scream and yell and the rest. I feel I've done all that is within my power to warn a few. I feel I, at least, warned a few. Maybe some have gotten out, in part because of my efforts. I can imagine being held by mommy, to be kissed and cared for, then placed in a hammock to sleep in the summer breeze. I am imagining this now. I am there.

Brookwest you do & did deserve those hugs & all the other caring & loving things parents should do for their children.

You say showing pain will get you put in the psych ward for a few days??
Well, you know the questions that brings up. Do you see a T or have a pdoc?
I see a therapist & it has helped me with childhood issues, still working on it.

Be kind to yourself, whatever it takes. Don't let anyone drag you down.

It is a good thing to stop sharing with unsafe people...... Yes, everyone is in some kind of pain, but ones' person pain is the same as another;; it is ALL pain

Yes, we all want to be loved; sometimes "family" are the people who love us and not....our blood relatives.

Taking ourselves out of ourselves is a big key;;when we help others the pain goes away for awhile.
People in nursing homes are hungry for love; they could use someone like ou.

Hugs, Nicole

Thanks to you both. Strangely, I slept for the first time in a week after writing that last night. I Imagined being coddled and loved. That image comforted me to sleep, apparently. Maybe I've discovered a treatment for insomnia, Eureka! I have thought about visiting a nursing home, my mom lives in subsidized housing, nearby. I've always visited her often, for the last twenty+ years. We've laughed together and argued also. Typical, honest and healthy relationship. She couldn't give what she never received, I've accepted that. The other elderly people there are very friendly also, I enjoy talking with all of them and they smile, as they guard their front door from unwanted visitors. Wouldn't want to be their enemy. I do have a T and pdoc. My meds work well and my pdoc agrees. My therapist doesn't seem worried about me. He is helpful to me because he helps me to problem solve on how to get my emotional needs met, safely. Anything I post here, is just mind noise. Venting. Thanks to you both for reading, it helps to be heard.

I'm glad posting here helped.

mmmmmm.... I don't get it either

<preparing a hammock with a soft blanket and pillow for you>

Sweet dreams!

no one should make fun of our pain!

Billi

What a blessing we have when we can comfort ourselves; good for you brook; many of us need to learn this way of caring for ourselves. I'm so glad you posted this.
hugs, bj

Its weird. I read that now, less feeling alone and scared, and I feel mommy love. It feels good.

((((((Gentle warm hugs to all))))))
Open Eyes