the father/abuser may not make it

My father, also my abuser (csa), is in the hospital icu and will possibly not make it. I feel no sadness, even though at times he could be a father. I feel guilty because there is no sadness. Will it hit at some point or, after 40 years is my heart still so hard and cold? I thought I had forgiven a long time ago, but now I have to play the pretend game with everyone who shows concern.
Bluemountains

After all you've been through, bluemountains ...
--the abuse
--the shame
--the pain
--all the long battles for understanding, recovery, healing, coping, forgiving ...
--after all the trauma and the flashbacks and the doing it all over again and the wondering whether it would ever really be over and realizing that--no, it would never all be over finally and forever ... Life's just not that "clean" or "simple" ...

bluemountains, it is not possible for you to experience the death of this man with any sort of normal emotion. The end of your lifelong nightmare is in sight, and your emotions are shutting down. Let them.

You don't have to feel anything about his death. Not now. Maybe never. If you do, you do.

If people ask, just say: It's complicated. Leave it at that. That says it all, dear one.


Roadie

Thanks, Roadie! Your affirmation of my feelings means so much to me. Right now I'm pretty numb and it is such an odd feeling.
Bluemountains

bluemountains, my sorrow when my abuser (mom) died had to do mostly with loss. Loss of what she could have been in my life but was not. I cried and all, but it was mostly for her life that I viewed as wasted time here on earth. She did not do anything to make herself better And the coldness/aloofness which she treated me and my siblings with was sad and bitter to us.

bj

(((bluemountains)))

When my mom and dad died of terminal cancer 1 1/2 years apart, I felt nothing except a little sadness about no longer having living parents. The thing was that, except for me seeing them a week before Mom died, I've kept them as far away as possible.

You feel what you feel and it's okay.

((((Bluemountains)))))

I understand. Let this be whatever it is. You may have a wide range of emotions all at the same time. I felt very sad for my dad when they had the wreck last year and he was life flighted. And I felt guilt because I wished he would die. I felt sad because I wanted that to happen! And I loved my father because he is my dad. But I hated him because he was my abuser.

It is ok to feel everything you feel.

Thank you, Wepow. You have summed up exactly how I feel right now. It now appears that my father will make it. I do feel let down that this is the case, and I feel guilty because I feel this way. Also, I am angry because I have plans for the weekend and I have to decide whether to cancel my plans so that I can go visit him. My husband and t recommend to stay away, I get so triggered when I visit. It takes me a couple of sessions just to get myself back in functioning order. Right now, I am so mentally preoccupied that my teaching is suffering.
Bluemountains

bluemountains, my father was a loving, concerned parent; my mother was an emotionally abusive, narcissistic alcoholic and manipulator. When my mother died in 1990, I did not feel loss or sorrow. However, when my father died in 2001, I grieved for many months. In fact, I still tear up from time to time.

To this day, these emotional reactions seem entirely normal and appropriate to me. For this reason, I find your reactions entirely normal and appropriate as well.

my father who was an abusive (fill in the word for an illegitimate child) died when i was in the summer of my jr year in college. i had not yet addressed the abuse. i knew he hated me...i mean he raped me as as a going away to college gift...

i cried when he died..not because of the death, but because i was worried about the loss of income. i felt no sadness..which struck me as sort of odd. i did not get to go to the hospital to say goodbye to him..i was not allowed...only my brother was.

fast forward many years...i moved out of my mothers house after caring for her after her strokes etc in 1991. i was advised to cut all contact with her. totally. i did. i did not know if she was alive or dead. that hurt. she died in 98 & i never knew. never got to say goodbye to her either. i only found out when i was completing some paperwork for my retirement.

both were evil people..altho my mother slightly less so. i harbor no feeling (positive) towards my father. don't miss him, can't think a good thought. my mother i have a few.

brother & sister left in 90...because they didn't want to deal with the mother..haven;'t heard or seen from them either...not a big loss except maybe on christmas eve. she has skitzophrenia & he was the father only younger. i do know that if i win the big lottery check both would be on my doorstep in a heartbeat. i wouldn't miss them if they died...they might already be dead for all i know.

doesn't make you a bad person just makes you a person. how ever my dog dies or a friend's dog & i will sob & wail...for years. this lets me know my heart is not made of stone & for that i am grateful.

(((bluemountains))) - I won't repeat what's already been said and I agree with them. I understand how you feel, but its not in relation to a parent. I will add and this may sound harsh but its the truth - if a parent is abusive and hasn't made any effort to say sorry, then you don't owe anything to that parent. It takes more than being a biological parent to be a parent. If that's all he is, then I understand your emotions. Feel whatever comes natural, opposed to what's expected.