Writing this here. If it helps you, I wish you the best... beyond that; please be assured I just need to write this as part of the cleansing of an old, forgotten wound. 42years of therapy here; no need for "advice" nor "solicitations". Thank you in advance for respecting my wishes? hugs all!! theo

Dear brother,
So you have told me twice now on Skype : "Annie, your old friend ..... ....... died this week" Each time your emphasis was on "your"... your smile= a smirk, as you took delight in your private joke.

So; he is dead? I had forgotten him. Thought I'd covered it all... apparently not. Another purulent wound in my closet.

I was 13. Babysitting for your son. He was your friend...24? He used to come to the apartment when he knew it was nap time and I was alone.

You knew? How? Did he tell you? Did you swap dirty jokes about it/me?

I stopped saying anything after the episode when I was 7. It didn't matter. No one wanted to hear about what they already knew and secretly condoned; hey, daddy did it when I was 2, right? So, why not everybody else too?

I so annoyed everyone by my mere existence. Reminders were not welcome. I so did not want to "bother" anyone! Least of all my big "brothers" or my "mother".

So, he is dead? Thought I'd covered it all in rage, tears, lost happiness, Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse, Cutting, rushing headlong into any disaster in hopes I'd die there, kamikaze me... in therapy. Thought my closet was clean! That what that rotten smell was??? yuck!

Now, I wonder, dear brother, will these memories be resurrected and recounted from the depths of my mind, heart, and soul every time one of your friends passes?

He was your "friend"? I am/was only your little sister... Am I? No. Just a label/just blood. A curse? A blessing? to be incapable of not loving you, my big brother... incapable of not loving you, even now...still loving you...they call it "unconditional love"--I really wish...eh...I am grateful for the ability, my kids have benefited greatly from it..... when you never loved me.

In all actuality, I was, am, will ever be "nothing" and "no one" to you, just a physical "No Body"

Oh well.

Used to ask "WHY?"--easy answer---because they can. My daughter told me that! go figure!!!

Peroxide bubbling... blade ready to lyse the wound, stop this new bleed.

Just another cleaning day in Paradise.

[eskielover]

Ah, the wisdom that comes from our daughters.