I grew up with immigrant parents and looking back, their behaviour and parenting was just abusive.

How much of this do we just shrug off as typical immigrant parenting, and how much do we have to review as unacceptable?

For example, my father would take his belt off and hit us with it. I don't necessarily have a problem with that. What I had a problem with was him blaming my mother for everything and calling my sister a ***** whenever she went out with boys.

Discuss, and share your own experiences.

[Sanada]

being an immigrant parent has nothing to do with abuse.

people are abusive.

not races, or politics of races,

'or' being an immigrant.

abuse is abuse.

[Antigona]

My parents were very abusive to me. They were living in their own country. I immigrated to England 11 years ago. I have two kids and I never touch them. I love them very much. I was very traumatised by my parents behaviour. I am sorry that you were beaten by your father. I think children need love. Hugs

[Perna]

There's a wide variety of customs, morals, and mores around the world on how to bring up children. I don't think that one can really judge the effect of how another was raised on that person; only the person themselves and say whether it was harmful, helpful, or had little or no effect.

Cutting back a plant helps it to grow stronger and denser:

http://thesouthern.com/lifestyles/ho...cc4c002e0.html

I am perhaps stronger today because of the difficulties with my stepmother growing up than I would have been. As the Arab proverb says, "All sun makes a desert". Everyone knows hardship in their life; either while they are being raised or after they are on their own and are not well equipped to cope because they did not face any hardship growing up so have no experience.

That my parents did not raise me like I would have liked to have been raised goes without saying. I would have liked more cuddling and laughter, less anger, hits, and threats of hits. But I can only know about "more" and "less" from having known the extremes. I am not a bland, vanilla person, never have been. I have known some who I would describe that way though.

How I was raised is in the past. It is "mine" now and I get to use its material for my benefit (or to trip myself up; my parents cannot trip me up now, I am grown and no longer under their control in any way without my consent).

Think about it: http://www.twistedsteelart.com/

Yeah but i didn't consider being hit with a belt to be actual abuse. Most parents do that anyway, it's even in the simpsons.

[Jan1212]

I grew up with so much anger and blame towards my parents as well; the toxic environment, emotional trauma and betrayal. I promised myself I would never act like them. I don't know if you just want stories about immigrants

I still have a hard time forgiving them and coming into terms with them, a lot of us do. I keep telling myself that parents are not perfect [or my parents are not perfect] and that times change. Still, it's very hard forgiving someone for all the things they did, or didn't do.

I have so much resentment too and I hate to see people being hurt so much by this. It's a very difficult thing and I hope everyone finds their way to grant their pardon.

[Leed]

My story of "abuse" is a little different, Our abuse was of indifference. We got NOTHING -- no attention of any kind. No hugs, no "i love you's", no pats on the back, absolutely nothing. We were like the furniture -- just "there." And we had no curfew of any kind.

I believe that we are given what our parents were given -- and they got what THEIR parents gave them. In my case, my parent couldn't give me what they didn't have or what they didn't KNOW.

I believe that parenting is a learned behavior -- they "learn" it from their OWN parents and repeat the behavior with their own children. If they don't see the behavior as WRONG, they'll continue it. I knew my own kids needed much more love and attention than I got, so I lavished it on them.

Just my opinion, but to me is kinda makes sense. I don't think being immigrants has anything to do with it. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

maybe you could substitute the word ignorant for immigrant. It's closer to the truth and it rhymes...almost

Ugh, I can relate. And it's very sad that's something my therapist has said before as well. Those words exactly in fact, that looking back into things, abuse may have started long ago before.

Cultural differences may be "accepted" socially due to the fact that they don't see things as abusive, but instead they intend to act out of love in the worst of ways.

The one way I've dealt with this as it goes is that, I accept the love they gave me (my dad recently passed away so not much to say anyways, and mom is still grieving) but I know that they are not the kind to hold my hand when I'm down, or to bring me back to life when I'm having an episode.

My parents are south american, and I'm not sure what cultural background you may have Toilet, but at least mine shared that sort of line of thought which is the reason why I never got along with the culture. Can't stand the dramatical theatrics to everything, the over the top loud arguing and of course those things as well as when calling someone a "*****" and whatnot is a "moment thing" and then go on like "didn't mean to, you know what I mean". Not sure if I'm explaning myself rather efficiently here, but it's like a lot of different things seems to go unnoticed because they become part of it all. Which some of them are (and were) extremely painful for me.

So, all in all, what I have done is that I'm a horribly useless human being rigth now and I try to pick up my battles before going into insanity. I can't fix them, or change them so my deal on it has been love them as I can and accept whatever love they can give me as it may be.

Not saying any of it is right by any means, and in fact, my therapist said this probably paved the way for me to endure 5 years of sexual, physical and verbal abuse by my ex-husband just because as I child I thought those things were part of love, or since it was all based on the thought of love that's how it goes. I'm sure everyone gets the point.

But yeah. Amazingly painful to talk about that even nowadays. I love my family to pieces, no question ever there. Love them more than life, even if I think it's probably best if we are apart.

[Open Eyes]

Illegal, I agree with the thinking that it is not immagrant, but ignorant.

I think about what Perna is saying as well. And I had always thought much like her myself. It wasn't until I battled with PTSD and relived my childhood that I began to realize that even though I am an adult and make MY own choices, I have things built into me and my behavior patterns that are from the time when I WAS at the mercy of THEIR control.

EVERYONE gets imprinted in their childhood and somethings we get imprinted with are things we don't even consciously realize.

Open Eyes