[northgirl]

I'm stuck between feeling bad for the girl who suffered for years and didn't receive the love and care she needed, and accepting that I am that girl and that I'm worthy of ever receiving the love I so desperately want. I think about the past and how I received care and encouragement from strangers who didn't know me or my story and it hurts that I got from them what I should have gotten from those closest to me. All I want is to find those people who loved me and reconnect with them and show them how I'm doing now to validate myself.

How can I accept love now from people in my family who didn't care enough to give it to me 10 years ago when they were hurting me by not caring for me. I've come to the point where I want people to see me at my worst. I want to cry in their arms and beg them to love me. I hate myself for not fighting for what I needed.

I wish I could talk to T about this. But I have 10 more weeks of summer before I can be in therapy again. Every day that goes by I feel like I'm falling into a deeper bottomless pit. I want to erase the first 19 1/2 years of my life. All I can do is promise myself I won't be a victim again.

[Open Eyes]

(((northgirl))),

Do not doubt your worthiness of love, we all deserve to be loved. You must love yourself and do your best to appreciate life.

I am sorry that you had parents that did not show their love for you, some people do not know how to be good and loving parents and often they did not have that themselves.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Hanif]

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes[/QUOTE]

[athena.agathon]

You deserved to be loved then and you deserve it now. I know it can get really confusing when you think about the past, but it's great that there were strangers who showed they cared about you.

I try to think about those people in my past who didn't know what was going on at home, but sensed that I was hurting and showed love to me when I really needed it, and let that love hold me up when I'm having a hard time. Maybe you could write them letters and thank them and tell them what that means to you? That helps me feel connected to other people when I'm having times where I feel like I'm not a part of the human race...

It can be hard to accept that you deserved caring from them, but you did! And I know it can be hard because you are sad and angry that you didn't get it at home, where you should have. I can't give you advice, because I'm trying to figure that out, too but please keep writing and telling us what that feels like, because we totally get it!