write and send letter to my abusers

tryingtobeme · Jun 26, 2012 at 12:34 PM

Well the title says it all. My T and I have been discussing ways for me to say what I have to say to my abusers (mom, dad, brother). My abusers are very scary and they will turn it back on me if we talk in person. I have tried to reconcile and communicate to them how I feel but they always say, "you were part of it so it's your fault too". Yet they turn around and say no abuse happened.

So, the best way we have found is to write a letter to them and send it. I'm really thinking this is the only way I can say what I have to say. My parents both are not in the best of health and I really would like to have my say before something happens to them.

Has anyone else done this and/or any other ways that have worked? Should I do this?

PurpleFlyingMonkeys · Jun 26, 2012 at 01:27 PM

This is exactly what i have been considering doing with my father and his health is also failing. I think it would be a good idea, if you know they have no way of turning it against you in the future. I sent my father a series of letters when i was a teen, ranting about his abuse. He never responded, never apologized or even aknowledged them when i had to face him. I knew he got them as his at the timw girlfriend said he would get so mad and refuse to read them, then she would have to read thenm to him, and supposedly they made him cry. But he never changed, never aknowledged his wrong doings. So remember the letter isnt meant to change them but its more of getting closure in your life. They may never admit or apologize, but you can heal without their aknowledgement just knowing that you made your voice heard

ScaryFrita · Jun 26, 2012 at 10:34 PM

It's a hard one. I personally wouldn't, but it's only because my dad is the type of person who can't admit to even himself that there's a problem, and if there is then he isn't to blame -- it's always someone else's fault. The last emails that happened between us is likely the last contact we'll ever have. Writing the story and sharing it with the people closest to me has done more for me than anything else ever did, though. Just being open with myself and the people I care about is already making all the difference in the world.

I guess it's all a matter of how you think the recipients will react.

I'm sure that my father would use it as fodder, rant and rave and tell lies to everyone else in the family, and wait for me to hear it all from someone else and smile at the "lesson" he taught me. Because that's how he does it.

Leed · Jun 26, 2012 at 11:28 PM

My psychiatrist MADE me write a letter to my mother when I was in the hospital mental ward. So I did - I spilled my guts and wrote out everything that I ever felt - all the hurt and fear and resentment. It made ME feel alot better! I know she got the letter because she wrote back, basically "pooh-poohing" all the incidents that caused all the hurt, fear and resentments saying she didn't know it would
affect "us kids that much." HUH?? All 4 of us girls are screwed up and she didn't know it would affect us???

At any rate, I got it out and I felt better. And after that my Mom and I DID have a closer relationship. It took a little while because I didn't get over those emotions overnight -- I still had to have therapy for a year after I got out of the hospital, but I'm really glad I wrote that letter.

I think it's a good idea! God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

Purple Heart · Jun 27, 2012 at 02:54 AM

Hi

I have read a letter to my mother and sent an email to my father. In both circumstances it went over their heads, no interest. But I did it more for myself as closure. At least I know I tried to let them know my truth, even if it fell on deaf ears. Good luck on your personal growth.

nicoleflynn · Jun 27, 2012 at 05:33 AM

This is called "restorative justice"---this is what you did this is how it made me feel. The letter isn't really for THEM, but for YOU....to speak up as an adult, because as a child your boundaries and power were taken from you.

It is rare for an abuser to admit the abuse, but I think it is important and powerful to finally speak up.

tryingtobeme · Jun 27, 2012 at 07:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

The letter isn't really for THEM, but for YOU....to speak up as an adult, because as a child your boundaries and power were taken from you.

Nicoleflynn, this is why I want to write this letter. Just to get it out. I know my father, mother or brother will ever admit they were and still are wrong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leed

...I got it out and I felt better. And after that my Mom and I DID have a closer relationship.

Leed- I know I will never have a close relationship with either of my parents. More so, I just need them to know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by novvita

...it's only because my dad is the type of person who can't admit to even himself that there's a problem, and if there is then he isn't to blame -- it's always someone else's fault.
I'm sure that my father would use it as fodder, rant and rave and tell lies to everyone else in the family, and wait for me to hear it all from someone else and smile at the "lesson" he taught me. Because that's how he does it.

Novvita, this is what I am afraid of. My father is the same way. My mother on the other hand is silent and will never speak of it probably. She listens to my father and only him. I'm scared of the backlash I could get from it.

Gosh, I just don't know what to do. You all had good points to consider.
Thank you.

ScaryFrita · 10:24 AM

For me, writing it out was as good as sending to him. THe pending drama of his response just isn't worth it, nor the worrying about the repercussions. I'm LUCKY to have a strong support system so I don't feel the need for closure with my dad -- ending contact makes me more than happy enough. Sending him a letter is just inviting him to cause more grief, which I simply want to avoid.

It really all depends on the circumstance.

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write and send letter to my abusers

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Purple Heart Member Member Since Jul 2011 Location: Australia Posts: 346 13 66 hugs given	Jun 27, 2012 at 02:54 AM #5 Hi I have read a letter to my mother and sent an email to my father. In both circumstances it went over their heads, no interest. But I did it more for myself as closure. At least I know I tried to let them know my truth, even if it fell on deaf ears. Good luck on your personal growth.
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nicoleflynn Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2012 Location: rochester, michigan Posts: 3,111 12 60 hugs given	Jun 27, 2012 at 05:33 AM #6 This is called "restorative justice"---this is what you did this is how it made me feel. The letter isn't really for THEM, but for YOU....to speak up as an adult, because as a child your boundaries and power were taken from you. It is rare for an abuser to admit the abuse, but I think it is important and powerful to finally speak up.
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