[suzzie]

want to ask something. but its really bad.
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***trigger warning***

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for some bad reason. im attracted to a part of what happened to me. an isolated piece. that happened regularly. and even though i didnt/dont like it. didnt understand it. didnt want it. i keep doing it. over and over again. i keep playing the terrible scene out. physically. and mentally. the words, the actions, the props, the feelings, the helplessness. ive been doing it. since stuff began. i can stop. is it a life sentence. for allowing wrong things to be done.

[lynn P.]

((suzzie)) - I think I might know what you feeling and if I'm not correct then disregard this. Some abuse victims will talk about feeling like 'their bodies betrayed them'. This means that sometimes their bodies felt sexual feelings in a good way during the abuse. This is hard for the child, because they're struggling with the thoughts of shame and its wrong...yet their bodies are saying different. This is normal and okay, so the abuse victim shouldn't feel ashamed because they weren't old enough to make this adult choice.

Another possibility is - some abuse victims end up being drawn to situations where they get abused - maybe this is the way the mind works through the trauma...idk. Its helps to forgive yourself / not feeling guilty and discussing this with your therapist. Wishing you peace ((suzzie))

[Open Eyes]

(((suzzie))),

I really sounds like you have PTSD and that repetition is what your brain can do when it is struggling with PTSD. It is your brain looking for a resolve, a way to overpower that bad experience.

It can be an effort to desensatize to the trama or it can be coming back as if to say,
"this happened can you believe it?" That is what I did a lot but I didn't realize it was a part of the PTSD. I could not find a place to put my past tramas on my own. And I didn't realize it consciously, I always seem to need to remember things over and over.
It wasn't until therapy that I realized that when I was small I did that as well in efforts to try to understand things better and see if I could learn how to stop things from happening and upsetting me somehow. Children learn from repetition with all things, and unfortunately they can repeat trama in their minds too, but not knowing what it means because they are just too young.

I hope that you feel better that you talked about this and know that others experience this as well. But you can learn to work through this.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

I have a feeling I can relate to what you are talking about. I don't know. Here's where I'm at. I struggle (20 yrs later) even today with the fact that I participated in a rape. I was not an active participent, but I did what I didn't want to and I did it repeatedly. I gave in to pressure, I didn't walk away, and I came back for more sexual abuse and rape. I feel weak even today for what happened so long ago. I was 15 yrs. old. With my T things are starting to be worked on. Retraining my brain to stop beating myself up mentally. It has not been successful yet, But my T says 20 years of negative can't be overcome in 5 sessions. Find a good T. Give in to the process hang on for life and the Lord will hold your hand and pull you threw.

[Honeybun]

I do something too. I don't have visual memories of some of the abuse but I have body memories and feelings that feel familiar even though I can't connect them to an event. I put myself in sexual situations that are physically familiar even though they hurt me. There is also the arousal to situations that feel wrong to me, but it still happens. I'm just beginning to work on this so don't have any great advice. You are not alone though.

[Sannah]

It can be stopped Suzzie by working through it with your T when you are ready to.