[passingby]

Hello. Dear PsychCentral members, I'm here today because I want to learn how to be supportive as possible for a friend. Any advice would be greatly appreciated so thank you very much for taking time the time to read this.

Right now my friend is in a safe environment and had recently moved away from an abusive household half a year ago. She's been through many years of emotional, and physical abuse. And the years of emotional invalidation affects her deeply.

The things that she struggles with now;
She feels incredibly hurt because of abandonment. Her family has ostracized her. Any child would want their own parents to kind, loving and hospitable so of course she's incredibly hurt and depressed by this. I don't know if anything can be done about these feelings of abandonment. I've heard that some people feel this way for the rest of their lives.

Tendencies to be co-dependent. Sometimes she will neglect herself and her own happiness to place others first. This does cause distress. She's acknowledging, and working to improve this.

Emotional reasoning. "This is how I feel so it must be true." This is what's called a cognitive distortion and the answer here is therapy. Some people would explain this as quickly jumping to conclusions based off of past experiences and emotions. If any of this makes sense. She's in therapy right now but her model of what therapy is and what it entails isn't inclusive of CBT. Nobody can be forced into therapy or switched to see a new therapist. You must want to seek help for yourself. So I'm not sure how to be helpful to her. I suspect that the years and years of invalidation has something to do with this way of thinking. And it pains her greatly.

But most importantly is how her past experiences are carried on to this day. She has triggers that remind herself of the abuse. So she's deathly afraid of elderly men. Because elderly men remind her of her father who abused her. Certain sentences are deeply upsetting to her because they used to be said by either parent. Even she admits that these thoughts can sometimes be unreasonable. One elderly man, who we mutually know, commits such acts of selfless kindness to the point where it brings tears to her eyes. She doesn't want to be so intimated by people with such good qualities because of what had happened.

[passingby]

There's truly only one thing that I do to be supportive;
I tell her that I'm here for her and she can feel free to talk an environment that's safe and judgement free.

I thank her for placing such trust and confidence with me by choosing to share these stories with me.

I respect her, the decisions that she makes. And I acknowledge how she feels.

I want to be supportive.
She's truly a rare and amazing human being who displays such a nurturing kindness and care for those around her. And I really do care alot about her. But this has become exceedingly hard on me.... So hard...

If I say the wrong sentence...
If I say the wrong choice of words. She becomes reminded of the abuse and views me the same way she did her abusers. The other night I made what I had believed to be an innocent joke about a tv show and it hurt her deeply. I want to be healing and not hurtful. I recognize that if I ever say similar phrases that her abusers used to, I will hurt her. But what I am supposed to do if I don't even know what these phrases are?

How can I change and better myself as a person?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I sound very similar to your friend and shes lucky to have you in her life helping her.

But unfortunately none of these things can be stopped overnight and does take therapy, sometimes years of it.but it doesnt have to be cbt, it doesnt have to be any specific type of therapy. As long as shes got a t that knows his business he should be able to help.

My t specializes in dissociation on abuse survivors. With that we cover pretty much everything, my cognitive thinking, my fears, my trauma, my dissociation, and its been of great help already in all aspects.

The best thing you can do for your feiend is be there for her for support. Let her talk as much as she needs to and validate what she says. It sounds like you are already doing this, just keep up the good work

[Sannah]

You can't stop triggering her. She will be triggered by many things. You can continue to support her when it happens and help her learn that there are others who are not abusive and won't hurt her. Therapists even trigger their clients and they are trained professionals. Triggers give an opportunity to work through the past. Your support will be very important to her. Survivors need consistent people in their lives who they can depend on.