[ImLosinIt]

Okay I was in child care when I was little as both my mom and dad worked full time. While in child care, the lady that watched us would go during nap time to pick up other children. While doing so she would leave her 17 year old son in charge of us. I do still remember the abuse. He would take me into the bathroom use vasoline and sodimize me. And just like any other abuser, I got the song and dance from him how I better not tell anyone or they and I would both get hurt. I took this threat very seriously and neither of my parents knew about it, even to the day they both died.

Then when I was 16, on my way to school, I had a guy pull up to the curb and I thought he was just gonna go to the house where I was in front of. Instead, he walked up behind me, stuck a gun into my back and forced me into his car. He drove to a very seculeded place at a park, and then pulled me out of the car, and proceeded to rape me. He then put me back into the car, and drove me a block from school. Again with the threat of not telling anyone what just happened, or everyone would get hurt. Well this had made me late for school and I told them a guy picked me up and drove me to the park, but didn't tell them anything any further. My parents was called, and the police. We all went to the police station and they had me look through books of mug shots. I never did spot anyone that looked like the guy. Basically the case went cold.

Now I know alot of people really suffer with the thoughts of their abuse and have a really rough time even reading or thinking about things like that. Yeah I have hid those things in the back of my head and never told the real truth about the rape. I didn't want to be rediculed for it. And after the first events, I just thought it was all my fault. But even though I have kept it quiet all these years, both events, I am still pretty much numb to it. It's almost like walking up to someone and saying hey how's your day. I don't feel the hurt, I don't feel the anger....how can I have went through that and not feel anything? I just really don't understand. Is it maybe I actually have it locked up so tight that it's really there and I just don't know about it? I do know when I hear of a guy sexually abusing a lady, I think stupid B******, they ought to cut his **** off. But it doesn't trigger anything from my past really.

So is there something actually wrong with me as to why I feel so completely numb to this past abuse????

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

There is nothing wrong with you. Chanves are you burried the feelings deep down when you were younger because that is too much to deal with for any child.

Eventually, maybe not any time soon, but eventually with THERAPY (as without it would be very dangerois) they will help you unlock those feelings, process them in a more healthy way and start to over come it.

It takes time and i would never recommend trying to without the help of a trained professional.

Im sorry there was so much wrong done to you

[ImLosinIt]

Thank you PurpleFlyingMonkeys for your reply. I am sure you are right that they are buried deep down inside. I will be seeing a T this week. While I was filling out the paperwork it asks about being abused. Well I went ahead and answered it truthfully as I guess it does need to be addressed at some point.

[Gr3tta]

I don't know if it's wrong or not, but I thought I'd just tell you that you're not the only one who feels numb that way. I feel like that too. I hope your T will help you out. Thanks for sharing.

Numb is helpful and useful. It is a coping mechanism. I am so glad you are seeing a therapist for help with this because you're right, it does need to be addressed at some point. Good luck!