Travelling 7000 miles to visit my possibly abusive, possibly BPD ex-wife

Ambient · Jul 26, 2012 at 03:12 PM

My ex-wife is the victim of fairly significant emotional abuse from her parents. She also appears to have Borderline Personality Disorder, though she is currently undiagnosed.

I was with my wife for six years. Three months ago I finally had the strength to break it off with her, and we are now divorced. We got a quickie-divorce in Europe where we were married.

I feel like I was abused during the relationship. Everyone I know says I was abused during the relationship.

But, now I find myself booked on a flight to see her. At the moment she is treating me pretty badly, yet I am still going. She's very angry that I "abandoned" her.

An odd thing: I ended things with her and tried to achieve non-contact but then she convinced me to go away together for 10 days just as the divorce was finalizing. It was the honeymoon we never had, and she was actually OK to me during that period. I want more of this and that is mostly what I am going for.

I am also curious to see what three more months of therapy has done for her.

Is this as bad of an idea as it sounds?

PurpleFlyingMonkeys · Jul 27, 2012 at 07:22 AM

Are you staying with her?

Going to be there for someone you have a history with is understandable, but be cautious, dont let her abuse you. Make sure she knows you no longer have to put up with the abuse and if things get bad, i suggest you leave right away. You dont want her to take advantage of you.

I wish you luck, stay strong and stand your ground

unaluna · Jul 27, 2012 at 07:27 AM

Umm... how likely is it that a child will be conceived and you will therefore be supporting her for the rest of your life? That's the only reason I see for this reunion, but i'm pretty cynical.

missbelle · Jul 27, 2012 at 07:31 AM

Sounds like you might be jumping back into the fire....Remember what the definition of insanity is."..doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result"

Be careful

Butterflies Are Free · Jul 28, 2012 at 09:58 AM

Try to be careful and remember to set clear boundaries and take good care of yourself!

Ambient · Jul 31, 2012 at 10:13 AM

I'm here. The changes in her are quite substantial since we broke up three months ago.

I don't really understand the changes quite yet. I think she feels enlightened from three months of individual therapy and two months of group therapy. I'm trying not to judge it all too harshly. Trying to keep an open mind, but it's hard.

At the moment, I'm not quite sure what I'm doing here. I don't think there is any chance we can re-capture our "honeymoon".

After talking her today, I'm not sure if I love her or even like her. I hate to say it, but I think the best that can come of this is some meaningless sex. And quite honestly, I don't feel comfortable about that at all. At the same time, I wonder if intimacy can break through the block that is between us. I'm not quite sure where this fits in my ideas of "morality". At the moment I feel like I am here to provide her with sexual services.

Ambient · Jul 31, 2012 at 10:54 AM

I have a very strong suspicion that I am here so that she can get some revenge on me for giving up on her.

I have to be really careful to protect myself. It might be best if I just leave. I hate to do that until I am sure.

unaluna · Jul 31, 2012 at 02:08 PM

oh, I just saw this 2nd message. I was going to say it sounded like you were having a good time. i'm telling ya, like the poem says, "next comes ambient pushing a baby carriage!" check for pinholes in the condoms.

geez · Aug 03, 2012 at 06:54 PM

I would beware! She is trying to control you. That's what an abusive person does. It's never about love it's about control. There's always and abuse cycle. They are all nice and loving like you wish them to be and then it happens again and before you know it they're loving and nice again. Don't get hooked by the fishing line!

Ambient · Aug 05, 2012 at 11:31 AM

This is one of those situations that I think belongs in a movie. I never imagined I could be involved in anything so sordid. I myself haven't done anything except come to see the person who I believe to be the love of my life. But, what is going on around me seems truly wicked.

I think I'm doing pretty well with it all, but I've had a few upsetting moments.

I think at this point I mostly feel bad for her. She's had three more months of therapy, but she seems worse than ever. Maybe this is the result of loss and pain, rather than therapy. It's hard to know for certain. The country I am in has some of the worst health care in the semi-developed world, and I can only assume the mental health care is on a similar level.

I think I should probably write about the details rather than generalities.

Aug 07, 2012 at 10:28 PM

BPD can reek havick on the target...ie you. She is sick and needs help and 3 moths may not be enought help to even get her online with reality. It's a love hate thing, they want you but push you away at the same time. Protect yourself me dear.

Ambient · Aug 09, 2012 at 10:40 AM

I'm doing pretty well. Certainly I have no regrets about the divorce. Three months has been long enough for her complete a transformation. This new "her" has been under the surface for a long time, but she has only began to embrace it relatively recently.

I'm going to start a new thread because it is something I really don't understand. She is now in a state of "extreme selfishness", like I have never experienced or even heard of. I thought it was directed only at me, but it is now her lifestyle.

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Travelling 7000 miles to visit my possibly abusive, possibly BPD ex-wife

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PurpleFlyingMonkeys Poohbah Member Since Oct 2009 Location: Louisianna Posts: 1,473 15 152 hugs given	Jul 27, 2012 at 07:22 AM #2 Are you staying with her? Going to be there for someone you have a history with is understandable, but be cautious, dont let her abuse you. Make sure she knows you no longer have to put up with the abuse and if things get bad, i suggest you leave right away. You dont want her to take advantage of you. I wish you luck, stay strong and stand your ground
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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 40,695 (SuperPoster!) 13 68.2k hugs given	Jul 27, 2012 at 07:27 AM #3 Umm... how likely is it that a child will be conceived and you will therefore be supporting her for the rest of your life? That's the only reason I see for this reunion, but i'm pretty cynical.
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Butterflies Are Free Grand Member Member Since Jun 2011 Location: USA Posts: 892 13 26 hugs given	Jul 28, 2012 at 09:58 AM #5 Try to be careful and remember to set clear boundaries and take good care of yourself!
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Ambient Junior Member Member Since Jul 2012 Posts: 15 12	Jul 31, 2012 at 10:54 AM #7 I have a very strong suspicion that I am here so that she can get some revenge on me for giving up on her. I have to be really careful to protect myself. It might be best if I just leave. I hate to do that until I am sure.
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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 40,695 (SuperPoster!) 13 68.2k hugs given	Jul 31, 2012 at 02:08 PM #8 oh, I just saw this 2nd message. I was going to say it sounded like you were having a good time. i'm telling ya, like the poem says, "next comes ambient pushing a baby carriage!" check for pinholes in the condoms.
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anonymous112713 Guest Posts: n/a	Aug 07, 2012 at 10:28 PM #11 BPD can reek havick on the target...ie you. She is sick and needs help and 3 moths may not be enought help to even get her online with reality. It's a love hate thing, they want you but push you away at the same time. Protect yourself me dear.
	Reply With Quote