I think it finally clicked

*** trigger for CSA ***

My CSA happened when I was 13 and it was with a trusted family friend. I had a huge crush on him and have always blamed myself for how I felt about him. No one knew about it and even if they had asked me about it, I would have lied to protect him and what he had together. I was devastated when it ended.

My T has told me over and over that those feelings are understandable, even to be expected, given the circumstances. I've heard him, but haven't really taken it to heart and I've still felt ashamed about how I felt.

I heard an interview today with Kelley Currin, a nationally-ranked swimmer who was abused by her coach at the same age I was. She said all the same things I did - she loved her abuser, wanted to protect him, was terrified it would end and was devastated when it did.

Hearing it from someone who actually went through something similar to what I experienced was incredibly powerful and validating for me. Something clicked in my head - if she felt the same way I did, then maybe T's right and how I felt was because the abuser was very good at manipulation and not because I was stupid.

I don't think you were stupid, you were just a youngster. I had a similar situation occur... So I understand. At some point as children we are not at the age of consent, its more manipulation no matter how old we felt. I can relate, we were young and naive... Not stupid.

Thank you, Lola.

I just realized I left a word out of my last sentence - I meant to say "not because I was stupid."

It was on him, not you.

so sorry this happened.

We get taken advantage of.

It is not our fault.

Billi