[geez]

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How does one go from having sex as a power issue or sense of control to a normal sex life with your partner?

My first experiences with 'sex' was through CSA and my sexual identity is wrapped up in shame and disgust.

On a few occasions I've had flashbacks during sex with husband (not in a while).

My 'appetite' goes from not wanting any sex or even being touched or having any sexual stimulation for a few months to having an orgasm 3x a day for 7 days. From what I've read this can be one of the symptoms with those who experience trauma etc...

I think all of my past experiences have been about having control/power over someone else (it felt that way when my husband and I were dating as well as past relationships). When it comes to real intimacy on a sexual and emotional level I'm walled off from my feelings. I kind of thought in some way that this was 'normal' but it's not healthy.

I've done exercises such as - being in control in the bedroom etc... but I'm just not interested. Perhaps it's more than one issue going on at the same time?

Also during the time of my CSA as a child I kept my emotions internalized and worked to 'disappear' from my parents. I learned to depend on myself and not ask for anything or any help or any comfort. I was emotionally neglected - no hugs etc... When I was given attention by my parents (mom especially) I was being beaten or yelled at.

How do you figure out what is normal? I feel like my marriage is going through the usual trials and tribulations with having young kids etc.. and I feel horrible for my husband (sex maybe 1x every 6 - 8 weeks) I have all my baggage in the mix.

It's so confusing to figure out what is what?

[Butterflies Are Free]

Is it possible for you to talk through some of this while you are actually being intimate with your husband to let him know what is happening in your body?

[geez]

Originally Posted by Butterflies Are Free

Is it possible for you to talk through some of this while you are actually being intimate with your husband to let him know what is happening in your body?

I could but I'm afraid of hurting him.

[Open Eyes]

((geez)),

I can relate to what you are trying to deal with regarding being intimate with your husband. But maybe if I share how I struggle you may be able to "appreciate" what you do have in your husband that can maybe help you look a "making love with him" differently.

Like you I was a victim of CSA. In my case it was my older brother and he had something wrong with him which I feel was either ADHD or even a touch of Autism.
But they didn't know about that then and the answer many times was discipline.
Well all that did was make his condition worse and he would get pent up with anger and anxiety and he took that out on me. I had no idea what he was trying to do with me because I was so little. But he would either try that or he would chase me and hurt me and I grew to know that his anger was real and dangerous.

So the only thing I knew what to do is give in and when I did that he would calm down and leave me alone. And now that I look back, he would calm down and behave better overall, which lessoned the family turmoil going on around me. However, I was always looking for ways to not be in a situation where I would be left alone with my brother too. And that happened a lot because my mother worked until about 5:00 and we got off the bus shortly after 3. It may not seem like a long time to wait for mother to come home, but it was like an eternity to me. And this pattern went on for a long time. My parents bought me a pony and once I learned how to keep that pony from bucking me off, that pony was my rescue. I would get off that bus and run to my pony and get on his back and ride him away, and my brother could not be a threat then.

Well, I didn't have a very good sense of safety around boys. They all seemed to want the same thing my brother wanted. And then I met my husband who at first wanted that too. But when I said no, he stopped asking and we became friends. And I felt very safe with my husband. And that is why I married him. And I had made up my mind that sex with my husband was different, we loved each other and it was not like my brother.

What I didn't know about my husband was that he was a binge alcoholic. And there were times when he drank and he changed. He would keep asking for sex too, and it was not making love, it was his wanting "sex" and all about him. And I used to go in the guest room and lock the door until he would go away. Yet he would not go away and kept me up all night. So I learned that if I just gave in, it would be over and I could go to sleep. So that slowly changed how I felt about my husband and sex.

Finally I could not take it anymore and at the time my daughter was six years old.
My husband kept his binge drinking up and I just could not be waiting up all night, wondering if he would make it home safely. At the time we owned a restaurant and he was always coming home late at night. And every time I would fall asleep, he would come home and the stench of alcohol on his breath would always wake me up.

I had a friend that was leaving her husband because of alcoholism and she taught me that what I was dealing with in my husband was "alcoholism too". And she took me to an alanon meeting and I saw a lot of very tired troubled faces. And that is when I went to my husband and told him that if he didn't get help our marriage would be over.

And my husband went to an AA meeting that night and has not drank in 22 years.
After a while I again tried to find a way to open up to love and "making love". And I tried to put my past behind and open up to hoping that I would now get that man I had married that was my friend and loved me too. And as time went on my husband was often short tempered with me and picked on me too. And what that was about was that he was hiding guilt that not only did he drink but he also cheated on me. And he didn't know what to do with the guilt. And often what happens is that when a person is guilty and around someone they betrayed they almost begin to resent the person they betrayed. Finally it all came out and then I had to face that I was lied to and could even have an STD because the women my husband cheated on me with were very sexually active with several partners.

Well, geez, I cannot be intimate anymore. It is just too hard for me now. I am still married and I do love my husband, but that part of me is so damaged now that I don't want any part of it.

Well, I shared that with you because I want you to see what your husband "is". From what you have talked about here in the forums, he has been a faithful good man for you. And if that is true, then perhaps you could see him as a "safe" place to allow yourself to actually learn to enjoy love making. I know that had my husband not given me the extra challenges, had he been the man I thought he was when I married him? I could have had sex with him and been able to separate it from what I experienced in my childhood. I had managed to do that before he changed and showed me something I could not trust.

Your husband isn't trying to take anything from you as was the case with CSA. Your husband is wanting to love you in every way a man and woman can love and celebrate each other. And he loved you when you were obese and he loves you now too. And it sounds to me like "he just plain loves you". So perhaps if you can enjoy each other and celebrate that, it will be very different from anything in your past.

I know that right now in your therapy, you have been challenged and hopefully you are on track with a better therapist. What you have to look at is "if" there are things about your husband that are similar to someone who disrespected and hurt you in your past as well. You have to discern if your husband is a "safe" guy or is he just lost in not knowing how to understand you. After all, he is not a mind reader either and you have been coming out of your shell and growing. So I am sure he is not really sure what to do with that change in you.

Men don't really understand women geez. So your husband is not going to all of a sudden "see where you are" right now. Often when women show a lack of interest, men self blame and wonder if they are just somehow not veril enough. They just don't have the emotional senses that women have. They actually want a woman to love, show affection to them, and appreciation as well. And often if they are not nourished and a partner becomes distant, they just feel lost. Some men can fall prey to cheating if they stumble across a woman who does show them interest in this way. And this can go for women as well straying because a male partner is distancing. It can often just be a lack of being able to communicate as we do continue to grow through out our lives and our needs can change etc.

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Geez I am so sorry for what you are going threw. I can relate though. You said something I didn't know I don't know how to copy what you said above. So I'll just type a short version. I don't want sex or touch for months on end then I go threw a phase where I want it obsessively.

That is ok? I had no idea. I was raped repeatedly for 9 mo. by an older guy when I was a teen. I have put up walls to block anything sexual. Many men have told me I have never met anyone as "unloving " (sexually and touch wise) as you. I didn't know that the lack of desire and then the obsessive need were potentially related to that.

That doesn't help how I feel w/ my H. He is on the emotionally abusive side and I feel threatend by him at times, so I don't see our sex life changing anytime soon. The marriage T is helping with the threatening and intimidating.

Geez good luck, I feel for you.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

((geez)),

And he loved you when you were obese and he loves you now too. And it sounds to me like "he just plain loves you".

I know that right now in your therapy, you have been challenged and hopefully you are on track with a better therapist. What you have to look at is "if" there are things about your husband that are similar to someone who disrespected and hurt you in your past as well. You have to discern if your husband is a "safe" guy or is he just lost in not knowing how to understand you. After all, he is not a mind reader either and you have been coming out of your shell and growing. So I am sure he is not really sure what to do with that change in you.

He does just plain love me. I think he isn't really sure what to do with the changes in me. He is being very patient, concerned and kind and I feel like I don't deserve his patience and kindness. I can only imagine what it must be like to be married to someone with these issues like myself.

I married him because he was safe and I needed that. Now I'm building myself up slowly from the inside and I'm worried that the 'no sex' is because I'm growing away from him in addition to me not feeling comfortable with my own sexuality/body/feeling sexual. It's so confusing.

What I saw in him at the beginning of our relationship I wanted and still desire but now I want more. As my self esteem gets better so do my wants/needs. I want someone who wants the most out of life. To have fun and explore the world in so many ways. I want someone who's interested in some of the same things I am (we used to hike or kyak together and now he's not interested in those types of activities). He is coming back from a trip and he sounds refreshed, relaxed and interested in doing some different activities/dates with me. I'm looking forward to him initiating things instead of me all the time. I enjoy doing activities like running, hiking, biking, yoga, psychology, fitness, cooking, gardening, beer, wine. I need a partner that is interested in something besides work and the kids. I don't need a room mate or to live someone who is always living in fear of the what 'ifs'.

I hope I'm not coming across witchy or ungrateful in my post but I'm just being honest.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, no, your not witchy geez, you are just expressing your feelings. And I can totally understand how you feel. I am just warning that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, so make sure you have totally made up your mind before you decide that this man is not for you. Maybe he needs to find a way to get out there too, it sounds like he is in a rut himself. He should also have a check up, remember as men age their testasterone levels lower and they do lose their gusto for life sometimes. He needs to be led out a bit and ofcourse have a physical to make sure he doesn't have some health issues holding him back and getting him down.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Sannah]

I think working on the relationship would be a good thing to do. It sounds like you are steering in that direction already with the activities that you want to share. If you could be emotionally intimate with your husband the sexual aspect will follow. (Plus working through the SA).

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I think working on the relationship would be a good thing to do. It sounds like you are steering in that direction already with the activities that you want to share. If you could be emotionally intimate with your husband the sexual aspect will follow. (Plus working through the SA).

Thank you so much for that summary! I need to remember what you wrote and tell my husband!