[Lauru]

I was in a county psych ward. I hurt myself and was put in restraints. While in restraints a male employee came in and penetrated me with his fingers. Does that constitute rape? I remember screaming and crying. I managed to pull one of my ankles free from restraints so I could close my legs. It didn't help any. When he was done he left. Shortly after that someone came in to "check" on me and saw I had pulled one ankle free. That person promptly got it put back in the restraint. The first thing I did when I got out was cut myself over and over, to punish myself. If I had never hurt myself I wouldn't have been put in restraints and then he wouldn't have penetrated me. I hate myself now. This wqas 17 years ago and I still haven't dealt with it, or the sexual abuse by my father from 4-11 years old. I am starting to deal with it now and I am falling apart. I am drinking and cutting. I don't know what else to do.

[missbelle]

Well the male employee should have been fired if you told anyone. People who do that think that no one would take the word of a psych patient so they do those horrible things. You can bet you were not the first or his last!! I am deeply sorry this happened to you. You did nothing wrong. You were a victim but you are not a victim now. You are strong, and capable ,and you can fight the past you have been thru.

You were never the one who should have been punished. It was your father and that employee. Your anger belongs with them, and them alone. Get angry! Release the rage inside you, and redirect it to those people. You are innocent and now you are free.......only your thoughts hold you prisoner!!

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Lauru

I was in a county psych ward. I hurt myself and was put in restraints. While in restraints a male employee came in and penetrated me with his fingers. Does that constitute rape? I remember screaming and crying. I managed to pull one of my ankles free from restraints so I could close my legs. It didn't help any. When he was done he left. Shortly after that someone came in to "check" on me and saw I had pulled one ankle free. That person promptly got it put back in the restraint. The first thing I did when I got out was cut myself over and over, to punish myself. If I had never hurt myself I wouldn't have been put in restraints and then he wouldn't have penetrated me. I hate myself now. This wqas 17 years ago and I still haven't dealt with it, or the sexual abuse by my father from 4-11 years old. I am starting to deal with it now and I am falling apart. I am drinking and cutting. I don't know what else to do.

here where I live NY in the USA, it would not constitute "rape" in the legal sense of the word because our laws for NY state say "rape" is penetration with a penis for sexual gratification against the victims will..

here where I live what happened to you would be called molestation and sexual assault which is any touching or penetration with or with out an object ie fingers... and other tangible objects..

that said every location, state, city and country is different, you can find out what it is called in your location by contacting a law enforcement agency, a crisis intervention center, hot line, mental health agency or medical doctor in your area. they will know the laws governing sexual issues and be able to tell you what it was that happened to you.

[critterlady]

US federal law defines rape as penetration with any body part or object. That includes fingers, so yes, you were raped.

I hope you're getting some help in dealing with your trauma. Everyone deserves support to get through that.

[Sannah]

Lauru, I'm sorry that that happened to you. Are you in therapy right now?

[SoupDragon]

Sounds like the "label" may differ depending on location - but it was totally wrong what this person did to you - taking advantage when you were vulnerable, not only as you were in a psych ward, but because you were physically retrained at the time.

I am sure drinking and cutting may bring some instant relief, but I know for me both only last for a short term when trying to blot things out.

I hope you can access a T to work through these things, you never deserved any of those things that happened to you.

Soup

[Harley47]

At the very least, you suffered sexual assault...I am not sure what the letter of the law states verbatim as what constitutes rape, but honestly, I would consider it as such regardless. I am sorry.

But please try to understand that you have nothing to punish yourself over. You were not in control of his actions, and even if your SI is what had you in the psych ward, that does not mean that you should've gone through that. You were there to try to get better, and he ruined that hope for you, and caused you much more undue suffering. He deserves to be punished here, not you. You did nothing wrong.

But please, also try to understand that cutting and drinking isn't going to make it better. I know it has to make it feel okay then, but I know it doesn't feel okay when you "come down," so to speak. You aren't fixing your pain. You are only masking it for a small time...much like putting a bandaid over a gash.

You need to be able to be at peace with yourself without those things. For that, I recommend a therapist that you feel like you can trust and talk to. That, I think, will help you more than anything.

Please know I am praying for you, and if I can ever be of any help, even if only to listen, I am but a PM away.

My very best,
Harley

[nicoleflynn]

I hope you will go to a therapist. There is no reason to suffer.

Hugs, Nicole

[JLarissaDragon]

The creep who did this should have been thrown in jail and the key should have been lost. There is no excuse for sexually molesting someone who is i n that vulnerable position.

I am so sorry this happened to you and I do hope that you will seek help. Having been raped at 14, I found it difficult to even talk about until just recently. I felt so degraded and humiliated. It takes time to deal with stuff like this and under no circumstances can it ever be considered your fault. Bad things happen to good people. Just want to let you know that I care

[AngelWolf3]

I agree with all the posters above. I am so sorry you had to endure this. So deeply sorry, and the fact that it is so hard to deal with. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and I hope that you will be able to slowly learn that you are NOT to blame for this happening to you.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by critterlady

US federal law defines rape as penetration with any body part or object. That includes fingers, so yes, you were raped.

I hope you're getting some help in dealing with your trauma. Everyone deserves support to get through that.

yes thats the standard the FBI goes by, which was put into affect for the FBI to collect statistical data from each state, but that is not the state definition of rape here in New york, just like its going to take time for every mental health treatment provider to switch over to the new in coming defining /diagnostic criteria for mental disorders once the new DSM 5 is finally completed and distrobuted, its going to take time for each state, county, city, town, treatment providers, hospitals, clinics, mental health agencies...to switch over to the standards that the FBI goes by. Some USA states may also decide not to adopt the standards that the FBI goes by, its not the first time that state and FBI, CIA, and other governing agencies have different standards and definitions. Each state has their own laws, definitions that are separate from those of the FBI and other federal law enforcement agencies. NY has not switched over to many of the FBI ways of doing things, just like every treatment provider and mental health agency in each state goes not always go by the same standards and definitions.

America has quite a complex system for laws, and instituting laws, and ensuring Americans have the freedoms of making the laws that best fits their state, city and towns. because of that, not all states, citys, towns have the same rules, laws.

to find out what anyones own state says about the definition of rape anyone can contact their police department, treatment providers, crisis centers, hotline.... they will know what the definition and standards are in your states.

[natani_girl]

Lauru!! D: *hugss* I'm so sorry for you, so sorry that he was such a terrible human being. That is not your fault, and don't think for a minute that it is! My lack of knowledge in the area may not give you the answers you want, but I know this to be true. You are such a great and strong person, the last one who should be blamed is you.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Lauru, I'm sorry that that happened to you. Are you in therapy right now?

Yes. I am just now starting to talk about it with my T and my pdoc. My T said it was rape, that I was just trying to diminish the pain and suffering I have had about it. I just feel like it is my fault. Of course, if it were someone else this happened to, I wouldn't think it was their fault. I know intellectually I am supposed to think it was not my fault, but I am just not there.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by Harley47

At the very least, you suffered sexual assault...I am not sure what the letter of the law states verbatim as what constitutes rape, but honestly, I would consider it as such regardless. I am sorry.

But please try to understand that you have nothing to punish yourself over. You were not in control of his actions, and even if your SI is what had you in the psych ward, that does not mean that you should've gone through that. You were there to try to get better, and he ruined that hope for you, and caused you much more undue suffering. He deserves to be punished here, not you. You did nothing wrong.

But please, also try to understand that cutting and drinking isn't going to make it better. I know it has to make it feel okay then, but I know it doesn't feel okay when you "come down," so to speak. You aren't fixing your pain. You are only masking it for a small time...much like putting a bandaid over a gash.

You need to be able to be at peace with yourself without those things. For that, I recommend a therapist that you feel like you can trust and talk to. That, I think, will help you more than anything.

Please know I am praying for you, and if I can ever be of any help, even if only to listen, I am but a PM away.

My very best,
Harley

Thank you so much. I hurt myself to punish myself too. I know it doesn't solve anything and makes things worth, but it is what I do when I am feeling guilty, worthless, and unlovable. I am working with a T and a pdoc who are great. I just haven't dealt with this before. And I feel guilty because I didn't report it. I was too afraid. No one would believe me. And because of that I am responsible for the people after me that he assaulted.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by JLarissaDragon

The creep who did this should have been thrown in jail and the key should have been lost. There is no excuse for sexually molesting someone who is i n that vulnerable position.

I am so sorry this happened to you and I do hope that you will seek help. Having been raped at 14, I found it difficult to even talk about until just recently. I felt so degraded and humiliated. It takes time to deal with stuff like this and under no circumstances can it ever be considered your fault. Bad things happen to good people. Just want to let you know that I care

Thank you. May I ask, how old you are now? I was hurt at age at 22 years old the second time. I am now almost 40 years old. I haven't dealt with it before. The first time was when I was 4 years old till I was 11 years old when I hit puberty. I haven't dealt with that completely yet either. I feel like a failure, like it is my fault, and like I am fundamentally worthless, unlovable, and bad. I am working on it now with my T and pdoc, they are great. I don't know if I will ever think or feel differently about myself.

[Lauru]

Thank you all for the kind supportive words and thoughts. I am trying to start to deal with this, finally. I feel so horrible about myself. I know I am not "supposed" to, but I still do. It has helped though hearing all of your support. Thank you all very much. Thank you for validating my pain. I love you all

[krisakira]

Originally Posted by Lauru

Yes. I am just now starting to talk about it with my T and my pdoc. My T said it was rape, that I was just trying to diminish the pain and suffering I have had about it. I just feel like it is my fault. Of course, if it were someone else this happened to, I wouldn't think it was their fault. I know intellectually I am supposed to think it was not my fault, but I am just not there.

You will get there in time. I was raped (also in a way that some people might not consider as rape, but it still was) almost 3 years ago, and to this day I still have my doubts whether it was my fault or not. Make sure you surround yourself with people who believe you and support that what happened was not your fault. It'll make things a bit easier for you. I was around people who told me it was my fault, and it stunted my healing process.

[Lauru]

Frome someone who now sees it was not n=my fault, know it was not your faulkt as well. Sorry for the spelling, im drunk.

[Harley47]

Originally Posted by Lauru

Thank you so much. I hurt myself to punish myself too. I know it doesn't solve anything and makes things worth, but it is what I do when I am feeling guilty, worthless, and unlovable. I am working with a T and a pdoc who are great. I just haven't dealt with this before. And I feel guilty because I didn't report it. I was too afraid. No one would believe me. And because of that I am responsible for the people after me that he assaulted.

You are very welcome.

But as to you being at fault...no, you're not. Not at all. You cannot be held responsible for his sickness Lauru. Understand that you're approaching the situation now with the retrospect and insight of someone older than what you were then. I don't think you're to blame for not telling. That is a very hard thing for anyone to do.

He will get his Lauru, I promise you that. Don't hold yourself responsible for his actions. He is not you, and you are not his caretaker, or anything to him. You cannot be faulted for his sins. His actions are not your fault, now or then.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

He forced you to let him do something to you.

I am so sorry.

To me, this is r*pe.

Billi