[BrokenNBeautiful]

this rage I am feeling is disproportionate to what happens in the present days.

Today, the bus was late and it was very hot outside again.

I was annoyed about that, and about the bus stop not having any shelter.

I should have been mildly annoyed.

Also, I had to go under a tree (about a few yards away) to cool off cause I started feeling nauseous from the heat.

The bus came and went. Even t hough I ran after it.

My rage is usually about being powerless.

This is the central part of it---being powerless---a classic survivor issue for me.

Also, being neglected. Not getting a ride to my meeting, not being inside somewhere so I can effing not get sick!

Dealing with physical discomfort and being ignored or invalidated or shamed just for having needs.

So this rage is inside me.

People walk toward me (esp men; please men don't take this personally!) cause I automatically think that they want to do something to me. Just seeing them coming toward me and knowing that they are people with biological needs like me throws me into a rage ( not acting on it; don't worry) I hate it. (maybe my aunt used to walk toward me when I was little and then things happened?! idk.)

I need to vent it. Someplace safe and safely. I need to imagine this in my mind and think: "Get the h away! Don't ****ing touch me! Get out of here, gd it! YOu can't do whatever you want to me! This is IT!!!"

my mentor is going to help me discharge it physically. We don't have a place for me to yell, but I can silently punch the air. He started doing an exercise where he let me push against him. In my room.

My mentor is sort of acting as my "therapist"; he has PTSD too and understands this rage---esp about feeling so powerless from being abused and neglected and ignored.

He is my best friend, too. His motives are honest. I trust him.

He is also a male s abuse survivor.

This will be interesting. I must start venting this terrible rage so that I can stop feeling like a cannon ready to explode all the time.

I really feel like I hate my aunt! (let me say this please! It's part of my process.)

Billi

[Sannah]

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi Billi,
Been there etc.,went to martial arts
class to hit,fight,kick,punch,sweat,swear it
all out ---didn't work.God,the rage was
OOZING out me,even my doc commented
and I hadn't even told her anything (she saw it written on my face). Two things have
helped me.One was learning Assertiveness,and the other was learning
to love myself,and respect myself.Oh,and
here are 2 words I think will help: "Not
important."You'd be amazed at how getting into the habit of saying that saves
so many of the "small things" getting you
down.Please try it.If you need any more
info message me,its not a problem.
Kindest Regards,
BLUEDOVE

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I agree with blue about assertiveness. This is a huge obstacle t and I are working on in therapy.

I've got so much rage it's incredible I haven't hurt someone yet, but I care too much about the human race to do it so it somewhat ballances out, only the rage causes harm to myself, not physical but emotion pain.

Something that used to help me tremendously... When I was a teenager I would go to the dollar store and buy tons of ceramic figurines and glass bowls plates etc. And while it wasn't right at the time, I would break them behind the building, throw them as hard as I could yelling and screaming. It helped a lot. While I wouldn't recommend doing it in public, perhaps find a place where it is safe to break glass and have at it? T also recommended kick boxing and yoga, I haven't tried them yet but he says they help a lot. But a big part of healing will be standing up for yourself, voicing yourself and keeping yourself from being harmed.

I hope you can release this anger in a healthy way, I know how hard it can be. Take care of yourself

[BrokenNBeautiful]

thanks everyone.

I have not vented my rage physically, so I still think I need to do that more. And I will consider the assertiveness, too. I am confronting that as well.

thanks,

B.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

also the loving self is really hard. I am dealing with that too. My mentor and I had a talk today a heart to heart about how much I still hate myself. He got so upset that he had to go outside and cry.

It breaks his heart (mne too) when I hate myself and still put myself down.