[Big Mama]

Hey all. I need to vent here. So if you are looking for something interesting to read this is not it.

My H and I have had a very rocky past. He has never put his hands on me. He has pushed me a time or to and didn't realize the stregnth he has. It didn't hurt me just reminded me of his power. Twice in 18 years. Anyway he was verbally abusive. He called me dumb, stupid, lazy, fat, sorry, useless, nieve, and so many more. Anything I liked was dumb. Horses, animals, different music then he likes, yard sales, different T.V. shows then he likes. If I didn't like what he liked then I was not as good as he was. So I tryed to like the things he liked and for the most part I learned to like his things. I kind of gave up on alot of my things. Then I seemed to have lost my identity. I was not good enough even after giving up what I liked and accepting what he liked as the only way we could live in harmony.

He was also very controlling. He would give me limited amounts of money to insure I didn't go to far from home or just stayed around the house. He would get angry if I talked on the phone to people. He didn't want me to go places and be around others ex. PTA meetings, Church's ladies group. He didn't want me to go where there were men. We were having some work done and I took tea out to the guys, it was hot, boy was he mad. I couldn't go to my parents w/ out feeling guilty.

He expected me to clean house like a slave, keep our 3 kids, never go anywhere, and want to be at home w/ him after work. He wanted his supper fixed, coffee made in the mornings and me to pack his lunch everyday.

Here is the problem. He stopped most of this sillyness about 6 months ago. We are now in T together. (court ordered, another story for another time) He is improving. He has intimidated me a time or to in the past few months, which really is a huge improvement. For the most part I am not afraid of him anymore.

The last time we went to T the councelor wanted to know was I gonna hold on to this forever or was I gonna move on. Did I like being in a place I was going to be emotionally triggered all the time. All I could say to that is I'm trying to get over things. But how can you get over that. How can you stay in the same household and just act as if this never happened. I don't want to hold a grudge forever. He can't do anything to fix what has been done. It's not like there is actually something he could do to make things better, like they never happened. I am really struggleing with this. Forgiveness is a big word. It means alot of difficult things. How in the world do I forgive this and move on. How do I protect myself mentally from all this crap. I do trust physically that he will not put his hands on me. I do see w/ my own eyes he didn't know some of these things were not right. He grew up w/ abuse.

I'm just torn. I want to get over this and move on but don't know how. Maybe someone here who has been in a similar position can help shed some light on this.

[Leed]

For me I couldn't get over it cause I didn't believe he changed. Abusers just don't change. They will eventually revert back to their old behavior and start it all over again. They ALWAYS do. No way was I going to live any more with that. No way. So after 26 years I divorced the bum. He had done enough damage to me and the kids.

Let he go on and abuse someone else, but it wasn't gong to be me. Someone else was going to have to be as stupid as I was to get together with that nut case.

As it turned out, he turned into a semi-hermit, and lived alone, except for the times he stalked me and called me all hours of the night until I moved away where he couldn't find me. Boy was he livid.

I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

[nicoleflynn]

I stayed for 31 years! THen I found the book which saved my life: THe Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I have been an advocate (abused survivors' group) for the abused for 15 years. Rarely does an abuser change, unless they believe they DO have a problem and take the time (ALONE in therapy, NEVER with the abused person)...to do the perhaps...years of therapy they need.

As for growing up with abuse (I did) , not everybody who was bused becomes an abuser. Something you should know if you remember nothing else:.

ABUSE IS A CHOICE. What is it YOU want to do? I am not sure what yu mean...."move on?" Emotionally, physically?

Abuse is rampant on our planet: 1 in 3 women living behind silence, fear and shame behind closed door; that is over 52 million in the U.S. alone.

I have written a paper: Society's Hidden Pandemic: Verbal Abuse, Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault, if you would like to read it, you can pm me.

[Big Mama]

We have started doing marriage T. It is starting to sink in that this is not how to do things. We run scenario's past the T and she tells my H what the correct responce is or how it should be addressed. Then she explains what my defensive answer is really saying. It's nice to have some one who is able to understand and help the other person understand a little better.

As far a the move on question. The T got a little ill with me. She wanted to know how long was gonna hold a grudge I guess. I wish it were as simple as just turning the other cheek and pretending none of this ever happened. She wanted to know when was I gonna let this go and move on emotionally. I don't know if I can, I don't know how. I am stuck here emotionally.

I will certinly be checking out the book you suggested once I get my fines paid down at the library and can check out books again.

[Sannah]

Hi BMama, has he apologized to you and in any way shown you that he made mistakes?

[Big Mama]

Sannah, he has. He is starting to see that his way of handling things may have been harsh. He apologized for making me feel intimidated. He apologized for making me fear him by his tone and actions(he has never hit me) He swears he didn't mean to and that a man scaring his wife is not a man but a coward. I believe him. I've seen his lies and I saw tears in his eyes I believe him. He wants to change I think, but doesn't know how. We are working on that w/ the marriage T.

[Sannah]

So the T doesn't feel that you are forgiving fast enough? Have you spoken in session to both of them how you are feeling about all of this?

[Sannah]

Also, have you been developing yourself again IRL? Going to meetings and doing things that you enjoy?

[Big Mama]

Sannah, You are correct. T feels I'm not forgiving fast enough. I felt very put on the spot and shut down and the conversation really went no further. The T did ask again are you going to hold on to this forever, do you want to move forward and do you like being in a trauma and triggering state of mind. All I could say was no. And I'm trying. She was to aggressive and I felt ganged up on. She may have been just as interested to see my reaction to opposition because she doesn't have an idea of what that looks like. She has seen anger and how my H handles opposition.

IRL - I'm not real sure what that means. Meetings? Like church and PTA. Have I been going. Yes. We had an inhome counselor who's time with us was over a the beginning of Aug. She said go to meetings anyway. If you are not doing anything wrong then the insecurity my H has is something he has to take ownership for. Not to let it become something I take ownership of. Thats easier said then done. She said just do it and it will become habit. She also suggested I do not ask "Can I go" that needs an answer instead just say. I'm going to ..... church, PTA, wherever. It's a statement and requires no response. I'm still working on that. He does manage to suck the joy out of things when he says "How long are you going to be" or"When will you get back".

[Sannah]

IRL - in real life

Originally Posted by Big Mama

She said go to meetings anyway. If you are not doing anything wrong then the insecurity my H has is something he has to take ownership for. Not to let it become something I take ownership of. Thats easier said then done. She said just do it and it will become habit. She also suggested I do not ask "Can I go" that needs an answer instead just say. I'm going to ..... church, PTA, wherever. It's a statement and requires no response.

This ^ is really good!

Originally Posted by Big Mama

He does manage to suck the joy out of things when he says "How long are you going to be" or"When will you get back".

These seem like simple questions? Do you think that you are too sucked into these roles and it is hard to pull yourself out? If so, that is really understandable. We do get molded into roles.

[Big Mama]

Thank you for your clarity on IRL. Simple huh. . I do get sucked in. I am so used to him jumping down my throat every time I do something. I fall apart at the drop of a hat. I know I have become over sensitive. Now I have been predisposed to a yeller so I am anticipating yelling. When he speaks I automatically back away. The T noticed when he speaks I start biting my nails and cracking my knuckles. I am ready to be verbally attacked and left defenseless to deal with the ruins he has left me in emotionally. This attack is happening less and less think goodness. But it doesn't stop the anticipation.

[Sannah]

This is understandable. It went on for years. Do you think that you can be aware of yourself reacting like this and then do some self talk like "Yes, you are reacting like he is the former guy but look, he is acting differently so I need to react differently. I need to relax, stop biting my nails and cracking my knuckles and I need to take in this new reality"?

[JLarissaDragon]

Change is never easy. I have struggled a lot with past demons resulting from rape and physical abuse in the past. I keep telling myself things are getting better rather than focusing on how bad things were or even are at the moment. If you can celebrate the small victories that you are seeing, sooner or later the small steps added togethe become major achievements

[Big Mama]

I'm sure gonna give it my best shot. It is hard to believe the change is possible. I know that as time goes on and things move in a positive direction it will be easier to trust my H again.

I have trust issues anyway from a less than caring childhood. As a teen I found someone who loved me for who I was, I thought. I was raped for 9 months or so and stalked. I was not lovable I was an object. I have felt much like an object to my H. I am hoping for a change on my part in how I see things. My H has reaffirmed that people cannot be trusted and it pays to keep your guard up. It's gonna take alot to unlearn that.

I feel like he is putting forth alot effort. I have to just trust that it is genuine. Hopefully I can work on letting my guard down.

[nicoleflynn]

I am amazed and shocked at your therapist's ignorance. She obviously doesn't understand what abuse does. What you are experiencing is called "hypervigilance." It is the body's response to stress and trauma. When you have lived with abuse, at the first sign of (more) abuse the body reacts, you cannot stop it. It isn't about getting sucked into roles. I stayed with an abuser for 31 years and then left. I still after 8 years become hypervigilant when I hear raised voices. You cannot help how and what you feel. The book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship saved my life and I believe it should be read by everyone on the planet....especially therapists should understand the dynamics of abuse. It is a process and take a very long time to not feel triggered, or whatever you are feeling.

[Big Mama]

Nichole thank you so much. I am trying and I'm not making this stuff up. I have got to get that book.