Just dumping, you don't have to read someone elses life story.

Big Mama · Sep 30, 2012, 02:44 PM

******TRIGGERS ******ABUSE, NEGLECT ******************

O.K. I seem to be having a very difficult time here. It helps me alot to be able to write what is going on. It adds perspective and helps me organize my thoughts. I do not have a plan the subject will just go where it goes.

We've been talking about letting others mistakes go. I CAN'T. I want to but I CAN'T. I have been through so much and so much has changed. No one seems to understand. How could they it all lives with in the confines of my mind. It can't escape unless I let it out.

I used to be so happy, life was so care free. But then it become this lifelong version of hell. For 15 years I lived in a house that was not much more than a barn. We didn't have clean drinking water, We took a bath in muddy water. (in the tub not the creek) Rodents roamed at large. Mice, opossum, groundhogs and racoons inside our house as we slept. They came in threw holes in the house. Our house had very few light switches, we had pull cords, For the longest time all the outlets were on the ceiling. We had no dryer. I hung clothes and they would freeeze on the line. In the winter I would cry because it was so cold (40 most mornings inside) One time it was 24 inside. My fingers were so numb and I was so cold I couldn't light a match to start a fire. I couldn't always get the fire to burn in the stove once I got the paper lit. I just remember setting and helplessly crying. I'd have to go set in the car and thaw out and try again later. It was not just me though. I also had 2 small children to keep warm. Not knowing if you would have clean water, any water, heat, or wood was alot to bare alone. I had a husband but he was at work. So I lived this life alone durring the days and he got to be gone. He'd have to come home for weekends and evenings. So many of the evenings Brian would spend mad as a hornet because he had to fix the plumbing, or the electrical issues. Oh how he would cuss and demand. I guess that is when he started to make me fearful. I just wanted to get away from him. I started getting to se what he was capable of. He'd want me to leave him alone, he'd want me to get the kids away from him, he'd want me to get a tool and I couldn't figure out which one he wanted. I quickly became a burden to him. I was dumb and useless. Everything that got missed up was my fought. If I wouldn't have used up all the water, The mud clogged the lines because I ran the water level down to low. We don't have enough fire wood to start a fire because I used all the kenneling. We are cold because I used to much hard wood. It was a long 15 years. Nothing I ever did was good enough.

Then in the quest to be perfect I started trying to anticipate what my husband would say next, what would he do. I wanted to avoid his wrath. For example. I would stack wet wood by the stove so it would dry so we would have hear it was cold. Nothing wrong w/ that right. WRONG. It got bark on the hearth. I'd clean the stove out and I would drop ashes onto the fire proof rug in front of the stove. I tryed to be good and instead made things worse. Thats my life story. A few times my husband would have mental break downs. He would spend a week in the bed. He'd drag himself to work and come home and go stright to bed. No supper, no speeking to us, me and the kids, I didn't know how long this would last. The first time was 3 days, the secound time was 5 days the third time was 7 days. Then I had the extra worry when do I call and have him committed. Was this going to be our new existance. It missed w/ my emotions so badly. I was alone more or less with 2 kids no job, no money, no way out. Brian would snap out of his state of mind and be back to normal. I never knew when this was gonna happen. Things were tough. At Christmas we'd argue over how much money to spend. 20.00 a person was our limit. But after 20 people that would add up. He didn't want me to spend alot. But he never set foot in a store to see what things costed. I got things for our kids for Christmas by community programs. Brian hated that. So I hid it from him for the most part. He didn't know that is where the clothes and toys came from. That is where the extra groceries came from.

We used every community and government program availiable. We got WIC. He wouldn't go w/ me to the store because he didn't want to have people see him using a government program. So I go to go to the store while he sat in the car. I was not proud but I had to take care of my kids. We had medicaid on the kids. He would not pick up the kids prescriptions because of how he would look. I had to. I went to food banks, I brought home food from social functions for the poor. I tryed to take care of my kids. I did what I had to do. I lost my dignity while he kept his because it was more pleasant to let someone else bear that burden. That was just another kick to my lack of self worth. He was more worthy then me. I was just a wife and keeper of the kids. Thats what I ended up being. He went to work everyday and I stayed at home and kept the kids and cleaned and cooked. Every now and again I would have sex with the evil boss man.

I stayed at home all the time so my clothes didn't matter. I wore stained shirts, duck taped shoes, what ever I had because I didn't get clothes very often. Having me look decent was not a priority. I felt it to. I was not worthy. I dare not ask for money for my own vanity when there are people who need to pay the phone bill. I went for years with out a hair cut from a real hair dresser. My mom would trim my bangs. Again
I was not worth the money. My teeth, oh my goodness, I went years in between dental visits. When I had to have expensive dental work done it was easy to say well just have them pull it. That was Brians explanation to save money. He got to go to the dentist. I don't love to go but I don't love yellow hurting teeth either. So when it is said you have let your self go. The answer is yep. I'm not worth anything to you. I can only do better with encouragement from you. It takes money to do these things. I could buy nice clothes and do better. I could buy make up and do better. I could join weight watchers and do better but first I need to know I'm worth the investment. Then you have to invest in me. Invest a little in your investment.

I was at the end of my rope then I got pregnent with our last child. Then things went down hill even more quickly. Brian hardly acknowledged the pregnancy. I was alone for the first time. Alone and pregnant. We lived in the some house. But our lives were so separate. Mine was a single mom raising two boys and pregnant. His life was owning a business and keeping the bills paid. He never went to any prenatal appointments with me. Not for the last child or any of the children. When I found out the babies sex he was not there. When I got to see their heart beats he was not there. He had to work. Work was more important then me and our unborn children. When a child was born he didn't help bathe kids, rock kids, comfort babies. Me I did. I did it all. It took a huge toll on me to have someone else who could help and would stand by and watch me struggle or add to my struggles. Again he was more important than me.
By the time the last child arrived it was just horrible. I had post postpartum depression or maybe just plain depression. The baby had colic. She cryed all the time. I'd finially get her to sleep and my husband would burst into the room and wake her or he'd decide we should vacuum. I'd have to take a newborn and two other kids grocery shopping. In 18 years Brian has gone grocery shopping with me 5 times maybe. Things were just so hard and he didn't help make them any easier when he could have.

I took everything I ever loved and gave it up for him and he just stomped on it. I gave up horses. They were my life. I gave showing. To be the wife he wanted. I gave up the music I liked because thats not what he liked and you had to like what he liked. I couldn't watch the shows on t.v. I liked, I couldn't read, reading was dumb, horses were dumb, the shows I like were dumb. So I gave all that up. He most of the time didn't call me dumb but if you like something dumb you must be dumb to like it was implied. Now I'm just a shell of a person. No identity of my own. I don't know the answers to my own questions anymore. Is it ritght or wrong. I DON'T KNOW. Where do you want to eat. I DON'T KNOW. Were do you want to go. I DON'T KNOW. What do you want to listen to on the radio. I DON'T KNOW. It's easier just to settle for "WHAT EVER YOU WANT".

So how much longer will this last. I DON'T KNOW. Do I still love my husband. I DON'T KNOW. Do I wamt a divorce. I DON'T KNOW. Do I want to live like this forever. I DON'T KNOW.

I'M HERE AND DO ING THE BEST, THAT IS ALL I KNOW. AND THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH I ALSO KNOW.

emotionally_drained · Sep 30, 2012, 08:51 PM

U are a good mummy hugs to u xxxx

Big Mama · Sep 30, 2012, 10:37 PM

Angel Jazz thank you for your responce. It helps just to know some one heard me. I'm a little lonely and alot lost. Thanks again for recognizing my post.

TerryL · Sep 30, 2012, 11:03 PM

You are plenty good enough. and I know the real you is still in there somewhere.

emotionally_drained · Sep 30, 2012, 11:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Angel Jazz thank you for your responce. It helps just to know some one heard me. I'm a little lonely and alot lost. Thanks again for recognizing my post.

We all do notice u even tho u have husband like that u didn't do what my Mum did and leave your kids my dad was bad to my mum and she left

kindachaotic · Oct 01, 2012, 02:42 AM

dear woman, I think the "I don't know" response is totally understandable.
maybe continuing with the therapist will help you with some decisions & feel better about yourself.
you do deserve much better as do your children. can things change for the better & still be married? probably many more things to consider than what you've written. just know you've been heard & believed.
please keep posting, it's good for you & we want to know if you're ok.

Take care.

emotionally_drained · Oct 01, 2012, 04:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kindachaotic

dear woman, I think the "I don't know" response is totally understandable.
maybe continuing with the therapist will help you with some decisions & feel better about yourself.
you do deserve much better as do your children. can things change for the better & still be married? probably many more things to consider than what you've written. just know you've been heard & believed.
please keep posting, it's good for you & we want to know if you're ok.

Take care.

see we love u big mama

Sannah · Oct 01, 2012, 08:39 AM

BMama, have you ever told your T any of this? I'm thinking that she has no clue what you have been through. You need to process all of this in therapy. Finding yourself again will be a journey.

Big Mama · Oct 01, 2012, 09:01 AM

No. I have not told my new T. I know I can't get an appointment w/ her this week but next week my H is gonna be out of town and I'm gonna try then. Thank you for caring. I needed that.