[Big Mama]

Caution Rage, ranting, anger, talk of abuse, rape, do not proceede, you can turn back now.

Dear Hubby, I HATE YOU. YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME INSTEAD YOU YELL AND SCREAM AT ME. I AM AFRAID OF YOU. YOU CARE ABOUT NO ONE BUT YOUR SELF. OUR KIDS ARE A BURDEN, I'M A BURDEN. YOU ONLY WANT ME TO HAVE SEX WITH FROM TIME TO TIME. YOU MEED ME TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE DIVORCED. HOW WOULD PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU THEN. IT'S EASY TO KEEP ME IN THIS HOUSE TO CLEAN UP AND BE YOUR SLAVE. I AM JUST A WORTHLESS PIECE OF S*** IN YOUR EYES. YOU CALL ME NAMES, TREAT ME LIKE I'M STUPID, YOU BE LITTLE ME IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS,YOU MAKE ME CHOOSE TO STAY AT HOME. IT'S TO HARD TO CATER TO YOU WHEN WE ARE AWAY FROM HOME. YOU KEEP ME PRISONER. I CAN'T USE THE PHONE WHEN YOUR HERE, I CAN'T USE THE COMPUTER WHEN YOUR HERE, I CAN'T WATCH T.V. EITHER THE SHOWS I LIKE ARE AS DUMB AS I AM, OR I'M LAZY FOR SETTING DOWN FOR A MIN. EVEN WORSE, I'M BAD BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER WATCH T.V. THEN BE WITH YOU FROM TIME TO TIME. YOU HAVE MADE ME OUT TO BE A HORRIBLE PERSON WHEN REALLY I'M NOT. I'M JUST STRUGGLING TO FORCE MYSELF TO STAY HERE W/ YOU.

I struggle with this daily. I stay and don't know why. Why don't I leave, Why can't I leave, Why do I stay. It appears I like abuse. I DON'T. My T is helping me work threw this. I just don't understand myself. If I can't understand me then who can.

I put this in the abuse catigory because I remember a time when I was raped for 9 mo every weekend. The guy even told me the only thing you are good for is a good ****. I heard that so much but I only wanted to be loved, needed and wanted. Just like now. I stay in the face of verbal abuse and emotional abuse all because I want to be loved needed and wanted. I am these things but for all the wrong reasons.

You don't have to respond there is no response that can be given. I should run, run like the wind or am so screwed up for staying. Well good night folks. Maybe a better day tomorrow.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I only wanted to be loved, needed and wanted. Just like now. I stay in the face of verbal abuse and emotional abuse all because I want to be loved needed and wanted.

BMama, I hope you talk about this ^ with your T.

((((Mama))))

I, too, hope you will be able to speak with your T about this.

Luv, Rose

[tigersassy]

Talk to the T. I understand some of what you're saying I used to ask those same questions to myself. Good luck and keep us updated.

[Harley47]

Please talk to your T Bigmama. And please...never for a moment believe what that guy told you. He is so, so wrong.

Sending hugs and prayers your way.

[Big Mama]

Harley Thank You. It has been a long time since I thought about the past like that. I don't think I ever told anyone what he always told me. Thank you for that. I know he was wrong but I'll still always remember that regardless. But it help to hear that it is not true for the first time ever because I take that back I have NEVER told anyone what he said to me constantly. We just started touching on this in T and the T is not sure it is something that should be pursed at this time due to instability in my current relationship.