[Big Mama]

I have been going to couples T w/ my H. Things are slowly improving. There are times when he cannot go or I just go alone because I need to discuss something w/ my T w/out my H. I have been working w/ my T doing trauma work. She has given me the green light to start working on things a little w/ my H and my trauma's. She has told me take things at my speed. She doesn't think I'm ready to go where I'm going mentally. At the least I am barely ready. She willl be availiable for support when ever needed. I'm prepared for panic attacks, night mares, being very tired and everything that comes along w/ trauma work. I am progressing ans she would rather stand by me and help where necessary then stop progress. If I feel like moving forward then I should. With her guidence we have decided there is something I need to tell my H about my past.

My H knows I was raped. I had to preform oral sex and didn't want to there for that is off limits in our relationship. That is all he knows. That was all I felt was relevent. But my H has done things over the course of the 5-8 years we were married that reminded me of my abuser. My H has no idea. I didn't tell him at the time I couldn't. I went along w/ things I didn't want to sexually w/ my H and didn't stand up for my self and say No means NO. Instead it was no means maybe, kinda, sorta, and eventually w/ coheres yes. I participated but not happily.

Let me give a few more details. We had sex before we were married. My H would take me to a hunting cabin that was cold and disgusting. I didn't want to go and I didn't want to have sex. But I loved him and didn't want to lose him. I was so afraid in those woods in route to the hunting cabin. We went further and further into the woods. I knew if I protested no one would here me. I was afraid if I didn't want to he would leave me stranded in the woods. The guy who raped me used to get me lost and leave me places then come back for me. I could only get back in the truck w/ him if I did what he wanted sexually. I was expecting this treatment from my H at the time. I know now he would never do that. But I didn't know that then. My H also used to take me to hotels. I'd hide in his truck because I was so embarrassed about what we were going to be doing. Sometimes I would cry after we had sex. Alot of the time I would cry on the way home when I was alone. I felt like a *****. Getting a hotel for the evening. A few times I would cry in anticipation of what the evening would have in-store. I really thought you had to have sex to keep a man around. I still think that. Guys stray all the time because there needs at home are not being met.

Even after we were married he would beg and plead for me to have sex w/ him. I just didn't want to. No reason, sex just made me fill weird. I'd have sex w/ him, I learned it was less difficult to let him have his 60 sec of fun,then it was to argue for an hour then have his 60 sec of fun. Eventually he got the idea. Who knows how. Maybe I told him, maybe I didn't. I dissociate really bad so it is really hard to tell what happened there.

Now I need to tell my H that all those years I didn't want to have sex he did exactly what the guy who raped me did. He used his words to coheres me. Maybe that is why my sex drive is nonexistent. The fear I have had of him w/ the verbal and emotional abuse I recieved at his hands has not moved the healing progress along. Now my H realizes what he was doing was not right. I am not sure he was being that way on purpose. I am concerned about how my H is gonna take this news.I don'y wan to hurt him. I don't know what kind of advise I'm asking for. I guess I just want to be heard and understood. Thank you for listening.

[Open Eyes]

(((Big Mama)))),

This is really a big challenge Big Mama, I have had to deal with this myself. I avoided it for a long time too, but it got worse. But for me, I did make an attempt to trust my husband sexaully and I did "make love" which to me is not the same as just "sex". In my case though my husband was a binge alcholic and he changed when he drank and like you I had to make a decision of fight about it for an hour or two or just give in.

Then I had a friend that was divorcing her husband because of alcohlism and that is how I learned about "binge alcoholism". I just never connected the dots because it seemed like everyone I knew thought nothing about getting dead drunk from time to time, I was always the odd ball that didn't like to get drunk.

So, I finally told my husband that if he didn't stop drinking and get help that I was going to divorce him. And that same night he went to an AA meeting and realized he had a problem. And he stopped drinking. I tried to find my way back to love making, but it wasn't easy, an now I know why, it was because of too much abuse. And then after a few years I found out that he also cheated on me while he was actively drinking with two different women that were also drug abusers and really slept around. I felt so violated because he didn't wear any protection so he exposed me to the risk of serious diseases.

We were serperated for a few months and with help got back together. But Big Mama, it was like a switch got pulled in me and I just could not seem to get back to being intimate again. I blamed myself so many times but now I know it was not my fault. I struggled for a long time, didn't know what to say or how to say it either. I had no idea how he was going to react either or if he was going to try to push me or talk me into it. It was really very hard. Luckily he worked alot so I went to bed before he got home and I looked for reasons to "avoid" constantly. But I always felt it was only a matter of time.

When I developed PTSD, it was much worse. People kept telling me to make plans for me an my husband to get away after all my horses an ponies got so damaged and I was so worn out. I wanted to get away, but I didn't want my husband to think "romantic time out" so I found a ton of reasons not to take a break.

Well eventually after therapy and experiencing a lot flashbacks I told him about my past and then I told him that I can no longer be intimate, I could not even be examined by a gyno really, that is how bad I got.

My husband talked to my therapist and he finally did understand, he also understood that he added to my trama and that it wasn't my fault. He doesn't try to make me or ask me, he is very loving and caring and tells me he loves me everyday. I still feel bad and in the back of my mind I wish I could. I worry if I even try, it will mean to him "lets get going again" and that is not going to work for me.

I can't tell you how your husband is going to react Big Mama, it all depends on the kind of man he is and what he can accept or understand.

My husband has told me many times that he thinks I am an amazing beautiful woman and that he has never met anyone like me and he isn't going anywhere. I often wish I could change how I don't do well and my body just reacts so bad now if I am touched in certain ways.

There was a time I could make love and even enjoy it with my husband, so it may be something you might be able to do, and not be as bad as I am. I don't think your husband meant to 'abuse you" it sounds like you just kept thinking he was like others that had and that is how you saw sex.

What I do know is that you can't go on holding this in, I know because I tried that for a very long time. You can't beat around the bush either, you need to take care of you and what your needs are. If he really loves you then he will learn to be understanding about it. Not all men have to have sex, some men truely just love their wives and are just happy to have that wife in their life. I can't tell you what way your husband will be.

I just want you to know, I am telling you this and anyone who reads this for the first time. It is not easy for me to talk about this. But, I do want to help others know they are not alone with this challenge, it is rarely talked about because it is painful to talk about.

(((Gentle caring and understanding Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

You have made me cry more times this week. In the best possible therapeutic way. It's like some one let the flood gates open. I am usually a most stable person but from what I gather the time spent in tears helps make room for the next stage of what ever in the heck is going on.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING. My H and I do have sex. It's not great or earth shattering or even enjoyable. I explained to my T it's my wifely duity. She wanted to know if I was "preasent" when we were together in that kind of way. I told her no. It's a toss up between no and what ever I can do to make it be over as soon as possible. There is nothing in it for me. Not because he doesn't care but just because. He does care and I decline alot.

I like you were talking about do He goes to bed alone because if I go to bed w/ him (to sleep) I'm afraid of what it will turn into. He works late, I read alot and am on the computer right much to avoid him. I just don't like feeling like crap for denying someone elses needs. It saddens me to see the disapointment on his face.

I know deep down inside he never ment to behave like the guy who raped me. I honestly don't think now looking back that he ment to be abusive in the ways that he was not so long ago. But alot of damage was done. A lot of fear, and hatred has been to blame for some of our issues. I thought he was being this way on purpose. He did opt to be an ***** from time to time. But for the most part he had no idea what he was doing to me. That being said I am not certin that is an accurate responce. One of my T's has told me you are way to forgiving and take way to many things lightly that have no business being take so lightly. So that may be the way I see things right now. I felt like he was mean and doing this to me because he was horrible. Now I am starting to think maybe he didn't mean to do the things he has done. I know long ago sexually he had no idea. But being verbally and emotionally abusive maybe he had no idea about that either.

The med I take also affect my sex drive. I am not willing at this point to change meds just for sex. I may later. I told the T that right now the past is keeping me from wanting to be romantic. The meds make it impossible (at least to be pleasurable) When we get our stuff straight I may change meds. Pelople say the same thing to me. Yall need to get away and have some alone time. We are so far apart from each other and I don't want to feel obligated to have sex. I'm avoiding that big time for right now.

I do need to tell him. That way he does know where I'm coming from even if it is something that might hurt him. He must know I'm not refusing sex out of spite. He has to know what he did to trigger me did cause some damage on leave me with memories I hate. Who knows what the next step is. I have put this in the hands of my T. I just have to hope she knows best and so far it appears she does.

Thank You again for responding. I don't know how you know me so well. But you do. Thanks for all your encouraging words.

[Open Eyes]

Well having a husband that can be verbally abusive it very triggering, and it sure doesn't feel "safe". Maybe if he knows he can become more gentle and you both can work towards a better and more trusting relationship together. It "is" going to take time, but you are going down the right road in my opinon.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Sannah]

This sounds like a great place to start Bmama. Good luck and let us know how it goes?

Is this T a sex therapist? One technique that I know of is that the couple should refrain from sex and just touch and cuddle. This would allow you to feel safe and build the relationship.

[Big Mama]

Our T is not a sex T. She has knowledge of the subject and deals w/ that some. I'd love to go to a T who said "No sex" and forget to go back and leave it that way forever . My H might not like that though. Our T has hinted around at that but also seems to think that I need to find and accept safety at home first. One step at a time. Refraining would not be difficult at this point.

[Jannaku]

Hi BM I've read your post and can really feel for you and the bridge your about to cross. It needs to be done if you want to start healing. If it's any consolation I have "bad" feelings about having sex with my H as well and I'm not a victim of sexual abuse or the like. For me it's all about being connected in mind and then body. Because we are not connected in mind and he is an emotionally abusive person I have absolutely no desire to engage in sex with him and like you do as a duty. I suppose if you get treated like an object and not a person then you start to act like an object. I think it's all linked to how emotionally connected you are and "love". I don't feel loved by my H and I don't think you do either which is why you are struggling so much with your current situation. I too have cried after sex and felt absolutely horrible in a whorish type of way. Sex the way it is for us these days is just an act and that sickens me. I suppose it depends on your moral standards and ideals as well. I was brought up to believe that you should only have sex with a man you love so for me the two are entwined and this is the source of my conflict. Even though I love my H in a way I am not in love with him. He killed the love and my desire went out the door with it. As far as whether your H will accept what you have to say as said previously that depends on what type of man he is and where he's coming from. My H wouldn't have much compassion or empathy because that's half his problem and he certainly wouldn't be prepared to starve himself of sex. He'd just go elsewhere and add that on to his list of all the things I do wrong. Good Luck and love to you