Where it all began...

I've been in and out of therapy most of my life. Always either thinking I had got it together enough or I found the therapist wasn't qualified to treat me. I joined the forum and began to browse. Jesus it was like where do I START. There are at least 12 sub-forums in mental health that I have issues. I've logged on for days and just stared (I have trouble joining in anyway).

It finally dawned on me to think about what was or caused all my mental troubles. Birth is really where it began with neglect, and physical and sexual abuse. My first official diagnosis was that I suffered PTSD and chronic depression from severe sexual childhood trauma. Fast forward another 24 years and now the diagnosis is still chronic PTSD from severe CSA with chronic depression but they added bipolar with psychotic features and DID (I have multiples). The latter issues are apparently what happens when you repress for 24 years. I also have substance abuse issues, sleep disorder, eating disorder, anxiety disorders, self-injury disorder..... you get the picture. But get this.... I'm highly functioning but majorly ****ed up but REALLY good at hiding it.

My therapist asked me friday if I had someone I felt safe with so I could spend time with that person. Alas there is no one in my life that is safe. So while alone is safe it is still lonely.

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Im so sorry. It is so lonely feeling you have no one u can trust or be yourself with. The only person I really have is my lil sis. im 17 and she is 7.... but its not like a 7 yr, old can know I cut or binge or purge or any of it. So usually i feel very alone. plus i live at college so i only see her once or 2 times a month.

People at college know i see a counselor but only 2 ppl know why and they only know i cut and they only know that because they helped me dye my hair for a play....

I hope you find someone safe who you can trust.

I like how you have gone back to the beginning of how you got to where you are today. I also like how your T is looking at your support system and you feeling safe. Will you be working on the above things with your T?

Thanks for the support Silent Tears 17 and Sannah. I "had" to go back to therapy because my untreated mental stuff was bubbling over and it was either find or therapist again or commit suicide. The suicidal tendencies were overwhelming and I couldn't push them down any longer with any success. I'm pretty much all over the place so for right now we are working on safety and sanity.

Sounds like you have a good T. Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing?

I am finding out that my own mental problems are primarily from abuse and neglect. When I was five years old, nstead of getting age-appropriate and appropriate treatment, I was committed and brainwashed, by the mental health system, that something was wrong with *me*.

I am just now beginning to untangle it.

Wishing you healing and hope and support,

Carol

I also thought the system was abusing me even to the point of brainwash, hospitals and nurses and docs, but think now 30 years later, i can look back and see SOMEONE in the system helped?medications must be working after all that Is this brainwashed or real? Don't even know anymore!!