[Feral_Cat_Lover]

I was missing 6 years of my life, completely blocked out except for a few events such as my Grandmother's death, the death of my dog Samson and two classes from high school in which I excelled.
Last night, my husband and I had a minor argument in which I had a major reaction. I threatened to leave. Then he said I was acting just like my mother. That did it. That's all it took to trigger the memories of those 6 years I rather forget. They came back, strong. Like a river rushing over it's banks. I lost it. For a half hour, may be an hour, all I could do is cry and cry hard. I was shaking.
My parents telling me I was not good enough. I would never amount to anything. How I was a horrible person. My parents screaming at each other and how no matter how far away I tried to get from it, I still heard it. My mom leaving and not coming home until 3am, drunk. Me stopping my mom from beating my younger sisters. My dad throwing me to the ground after he got into a fist fight with my mother and I told him to knock it off or I would call the police. Locking myself in the bathroom, scared to death, unable to calm down and my dad telling me I deserved everything my mom said and did to me. How my mother constantly told me she wished I would drop dead. The court case where one of my younger sisters acted out and got removed from the house. How I was a liar when I was telling my parents how my sister was tormenting me. How CPS told me I was a liar for my testimony in court. Staying up to 3am taking care of my two baby sisters because my parents were in the hospital. How my Grandmother died and I lost the only person I could relate to, who I could trust, the only person that taught me to love and to be a proud strong woman (and boy, do I miss her to this day!). The torment in high school when I was accused of being pregnant in the 9th grade. Having to watch my two baby sisters the weekend I came home from a MAJOR operation and I was so drugged out of my mind and unfit to babysit (and my sisters said that they took care of themselves because I was passed out). The constant yelling, fighting and physical fights. My mother blaming me and my sisters as the reason she could not stop smoking. My mom making sure we could hear her on the phone when she proudly told everyone she knew how horrible her children were and how she was proud at the punishment she dished out. The back breaking physical labor my parents made us do that I'm still dealing with (lower back problems).
My dad calling me a liar because my teachers wanted me to type out reports. "Your teachers did not say that! Not everyone in your school has a computer! How can they possibly say they want you to type out your report! If you're going to be like that, you can use the typewriter!" (The typewriter was broken).
My sister disrespecting me and telling me to "Go screw yourself" whenever I tried to speak to her. My parents told me to deal with it...after they grounded me because I would try to stand up for myself. My other sister hiding drugs in my stuff and blaming me for it. Seeing her resort to cutting herself.
My mother throwing out a bunch of my stuff that meant a lot to me, telling me I don't deserve it. My parents telling me I was dirty because my bedroom stunk. Turns out it was mold in my closet from the hot water heater that broke. It was never anything I did.
Those memories came back, rushing. And I was helpless while my husband held me. I was literally paralyzed with fear. The yelling, the hatred, the physical fights, the tension in the air. I can certainly understand why I forgot those 6 years.
After I tried to tell my husband why I was so upset, he immediately called his boss and told him he had a family issue and could not come into work Tuesday. He then informed me he's going to sit in on my therapy session that day.
Now, I'm hurt, depressed and angry. Shaking. Just don't understand why this happened.

(((Feral Cat Lover))) ... It's never pleasant to have something trigger us and unpleasant memories / flashbacks to overtake us ... The good news is that now it's all out in the open, you and your therapist (and your husband if he's supportive) can properly deal with and process them.

I'm so sorry that you have had to experience this and it took me years and years of therapy to realize that even though I may not be able to control the when, where and how those ugly repressed memories surface, but once they do, I can allow their true healing to begin.

[Sannah]

FCL, I'm sorry that you had to experience all that while you were growing up. You certainly deserved better. The only way to truly recover is to uncover all of this stuff so that you can work through it so it is good that you remembered it. I'm glad that your husband is so supportive. I'm also glad that you have a T. I read your profile and you wrote that you have been anxious your whole life. Stuffed feelings like these can cause anxiety. Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing?

[BrokenNBeautiful]

When I have a fight with someone or if they are mad at me, the flashbacks hit me too.

Feeling like a little girl being scolded and berated again and told I am bad.

thanks,

Carol