[hamster-bamster]

My ex H was verbally and emotionally abusive, exploitative, controlling, and denigrating. He also violated my privacy, to the point of disclosing my personal medical data to others without asking me as well as accessing my email client and sending emails to my contacts as if from me. The abuse lasted for years, well into the time after our physical separation into two households. Just recently did I realize that it was ABUSE. He programmed my mind to think that I ruined his life rather than vice versa.

I have had twenty years of schooling and feel that it is shameful for an educated woman to fall victim of domestic abuse.

My T says that education does not protect from abuse - emotional wounds from childhood predisposed me to it.

How do I shake the feeling of shame?

[unaluna]

I would recommend learning about shame. It is an under-studied emotion.
That's what I did, educated myself about it.

[Sannah]

What helped me get rid of my shame was seeing other people have struggles, past and present, and not be ashamed. When we feel shamed, we think that we are the only people on the planet with issues. When we look around and really see that a lot of people have and had issues then we don't feel like we are the only ones and need to feel ashamed.

Just think of the famous people who have been abused, Oprah, Drew Carey, Tyler Perry, Rihanna, Whitney Houston, Tina Turner, Senator Scott Brown (former), and Maya Angelou. They are not walking around ashamed.

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by hankster

I would recommend learning about shame. It is an under-studied emotion.
That's what I did, educated myself about it.

You said it better than I was going to.

[Leed]

Dearheart, my ex did basically the same thing. Only he told all my friends a bunch of bald-faced LIES so the HE would look like the victim instead of me.

He was the cheater, not me. He was the abuser, not me. He was the controller, not me. He victimized the kids, not me. Unfortunately all these "friends" believed HIM -- and I haven't seen or heard from any of them since. Isn't that nice?

He's not deceased. Perhaps he got what was coming to him. My luck, I'll see him in heaven. Oh hell.

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by Leed

Dearheart, my ex did basically the same thing. Only he told all my friends a bunch of bald-faced LIES so the HE would look like the victim instead of me.

He was the cheater, not me. He was the abuser, not me. He was the controller, not me. He victimized the kids, not me. Unfortunately all these "friends" believed HIM -- and I haven't seen or heard from any of them since. Isn't that nice?

He's not deceased. Perhaps he got what was coming to him. My luck, I'll see him in heaven. Oh hell.

You're absolutely right on that one! The abusers always play the victim.

every once in awhile, they get caught and go to prison. so then you are allowed to catch your breath and breathe.
at least till their released....

[Harley47]

Bless your heart Hamster.

No, there is no shame in an educated woman falling victim to domestic abuse. Indeed, there is no shame in anyone being in a situation like that...I don't think it's a sign of weakness or a failing or anything like that. It's a matter of being involved in a hard situation that is hard and painful to get out of.

You have to look at it like this Hamster. Simply, look at where you are now. I don't know precisely every circumstance of your previous marriage, but you're out, are you not? You overcame. It is not a mark of weakness to be deceived, nor is it a mark of weakness or shame to endure something like this. Rather, it is a mark of strength to come out on top, to make it through. You did.

You're in my prayers HB, and I wish you the best.

Harley

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by shortandcute

You're absolutely right on that one! The abusers always play the victim.

Exactly, ex writes long letters to my lawyer claiming that I have been abusing him for fifteen years and that I am sadistic. In reality my neuropsych evaluation reveals that I am submissive and have dependent personality traits.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Harley47

Bless your heart Hamster.

No, there is no shame in an educated woman falling victim to domestic abuse. Indeed, there is no shame in anyone being in a situation like that...I don't think it's a sign of weakness or a failing or anything like that. It's a matter of being involved in a hard situation that is hard and painful to get out of.

You have to look at it like this Hamster. Simply, look at where you are now. I don't know precisely every circumstance of your previous marriage, but you're out, are you not? You overcame. It is not a mark of weakness to be deceived, nor is it a mark of weakness or shame to endure something like this. Rather, it is a mark of strength to come out on top, to make it through. You did.

You're in my prayers HB, and I wish you the best.

Harley

that is a good way to look at it harley

[murray]

I am sorry that you are struggling with this too. Until my ex ended up in prison I didn't get it that I was abused by him. For years I had been raising money for local domestic violence programs and thought that I was fairly aware, but I somehow never let myself see the reality of my own situation. It is so hard for me to accept it still and I often think that I must be mistaken because I am so ashamed and can't believe that this happened to me. Growing up I was surrounded by a lot of abuse and very unhealthy things and was so determined not to ever be in those situations again, and yet I ended up there anyway. Since he didn't really hit me I was able to avoid the truth- that it was abuse.
Anwyay, sorry to go on like that. I just wanted to say that I feel for you and understand that it is hard to wrap your mind around the reality of it.

[rue violette]

I'm so glad to see this post. I googled online support for domestic abuse and here I am. The shame I am feeling and the guilt is very hard. I was married for many years. The abuse included not being able to leave the house, use birth control or even move my hips when we had sex. All of this is so shameful to me. Tonight, my oldest daughter (I have a lot, but I can't say how many because I feel paranoid he is going to somehow read this) called me up and started yelling at me. I escaped and moved North away from my ex. I worked for years for this! I have been struggling with survivors guilt. My children are a bit of a mess. She said I was a horrible mother and chose to have so many children etc. I did not tell her I had no choice. I did not tell her many things. I cried. She is angry because one of my children is most likely addicted to pain medication. This is my fault according to my child because of my horrible parenting. I recently had spine surgery and am having some complications, so I haven't been able to see my grown children as much as I'd like. They are about 17 mos. apart in age. My two youngest are still here with me. I told her that the best thing I can do is get healthy, strong and be happy. I explained that it is the best way for me to be there for them. I do feel guilty and ashamed I let a man do this to me. He used religion to control me. When he started with the girls with the abuse as they got older, I got help and go him out. She sees none of this. I am working on my degree, lost 70 pounds, went on some dates, changed my lifestyle and am writing my first novel. I don't want to kill myself on a daily basis anymore. Still, my children are hurting from what happened ...what they witnessed every day. I wish I felt better. I don't know what to do abou tit.

[Marcelo]

I agree with Harley, the fact is that you overcame the situation. It's a victory, no reason for shame.

Even educated people fall into traps sometimes. They don't even have to be emotional ones. Even guys like Freud, Lamark and Hawking had some ideas that turned out to be wrong. No one can know everything all the time.

You've learned and you had/have the strengh to act on it. If that's reason for something, it's celebration.

[Marcelo]

Hello Rue, welcome to PC.
it is a long road, and what I said also applies to you: you overcame a really though situation. And in my opinion this will also help your kids, seeing their mother getting healthier and better. They may not know the whole story nor they need to, but they will notice that

hugs

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by rue violette

I am working on my degree, lost 70 pounds, went on some dates, changed my lifestyle and am writing my first novel.

What an awesome list of recent achievements!!

[hamster-bamster]

I found some peace after realizing that I ended the abuse by myself, on my own initiative. Before, a lot of people suggested to me that something was wrong but I did not listen. When I did make my choice, it was my own choice. I did not have a therapist or anyone at that time. Sure, it was well, many many years late, but it was 100% my own doing. So that makes me feel a little better.

[ladytiger]

my therapist talked to me about shame and read some facts on it. i told her in the office there is too much shame and guilt going around not helping when we have others throw it in our face daily. we also talk about this in my surviving abuse workshop i started to attend. i told my T too many ppl always throw crap in my face making me feel shameful all the time.

my issue is with my parents on emotional abuse and ive been in therapy for almost 6 mos.