[ryuu]

I guess I haven't really talked to many people about my experiences, at least not in any detail, so I want to know if this is normal, and if so, how to cope with it?
I was sexually abused when I was 9 by an older "friend", at least a couple of times, though my memories are fragmented and it could have been more. And my abuser made sure I knew that I didn't really have a place in his life. He would talk about his girlfriend to me, while he was abusing me, with the implication that once he was done with me, I didn't mean anything to him. And I guess now I feel like I'm not really good for anything else in a relationship. I don't even really think of myself as a person, I'm just a thing, an object that people use and then throw away. It surprises me and scares me when my boyfriend wants to hang out with me and not have sex. I don't know what to do with myself. I get nervous when he is affectionate without wanting anything sexual.
It's also confusing because I recently got out of a long term relationship, and I didn't feel quite the same way, or at least not by the end. I suppose it's something that goes away with time? Either way, it's bizarre and I don't know how to deal with it.

[Open Eyes]

Have you talked with a therapist about this? You deserve to feel better about yourself, a 9 year old doesn't understand how to protect "self" or understand what you are discribing. You were abused by someone who had no care for anyone by himself, that doesn't mean you were ever unworthy of having someone appreciating you, or having your own self esteem.

You can work through these feelings to get to a point where you realize what you are feeling is not being fair to yourself.

((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[ryuu]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Have you talked with a therapist about this? You deserve to feel better about yourself, a 9 year old doesn't understand how to protect "self" or understand what you are discribing. You were abused by someone who had no care for anyone by himself, that doesn't mean you were ever unworthy of having someone appreciating you, or having your own self esteem.

You can work through these feelings to get to a point where you realize what you are feeling is not being fair to yourself.

((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

I've tried to talk to therapists and I just... freeze up. I'm on the waiting list for a DBT therapist right now, though, and hopefully I'll be better able to talk to her. Generally it helps for me to process things a little outside of therapy before I am able to talk about them verbally, I tend to become nonverbal when I'm stressed.

[Sannah]

Yeah, anyone who would do this, especially to a 9 year old, is definitely extremely self centered and not thinking of anyone except himself. Not exactly the person who you want to learn anything from. But really, you certainly couldn't help but learn this. How we are treated affects us. But now you can look back and see it more rationally. You didn't deserve that treatment at all. You deserved much better than that. And therapy would be a really good idea to work through this.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

It's hard for me to believe, still, that I am good for a healthy relationship, or any kind of relationship that is non romantic or non s**ual.

I am working hard, with my mentor on this. It does not cease to amaze me how deeply this affects us. (me)

thanks,

Carol

[shortandcute]

I have been sexually abused myself, and I got to the point where I thought that was all I was good for myself. In fact, I havent even so much as gone on a date in almost 18 years because of that.

[Harley47]

You are worth so much more than that Ryuu. You're a strong, great person, who has suffered through one of the cruelest acts a human being can impose upon another. You did not deserve this. You are better than him. Better than he will ever be.

Sannah offered good advice, and did a great job of wording what I've been pondering how to say. Don't learn from him...a wretched, twisted excuse of a man like that has no say in who you are. He has no right to pass judgment on that. A man like him has no conception of what a good person is. He has no right to tell you who you are.

You are a good person who has seen some of the worst life has to offer. You deserve to be loved and to have a great life. You are not an object...you are a human being.

My best, and know you are in my prayers.

Hugs,
Harley