[cheungjorsi]

Recently I noticed I prefer being with people who don't care about me to people who are actually good to me. When I'm with that person, especially if that person is popular, it's like having a self-esteem boost, but in the end of the day, I feel empty and alone. This happened recently and I felt so much guilt that I started thinking about what could've caused it, and I thought about my dad's bad parenting, he never gave me any approval or emotional support, he often calls me names and he often criticize women, including my mom. And I started thinking about my childhood, and I remembered something that happened a lot when I was around the age of 3-6, the maid we had would often touch me in my private parts or show me porn magazines as a child, I never told anyone or admitted it to myself cause I felt ashamed, I tried very hard to repress that memory that after so many years it seemed like it never happened. But yesterday I finally admitted it to myself but I don't want anyone to know. I don't know if I should seek support because it happened so many years ago, and it hasn't affected my life in the past 12 years, at least not that i'm conscious of, and I don't know if I should ignore it and get over it, or should I talk to someone about it. Please help x

I think I should note that a year ago I went through extreme dieting including purging after eating and obsessive calorie counting and guilt after eating. I never seeked help because I didn't think it was serious enough to be an addiction and I didn't think I had an eating disorder, I think this was triggered by my parents' lack of emotional support, they often call me "fat", "stupid" or "ugly". And it affected me even if it was meant as a joke, I told them to stop but they wouldn't take me seriously. Also I used to self-harm, however the cuts were never deep and it never caused me any serious bleeding, I just felt calm after I cut. Again I never seeked any medical attention because i wasn't addicted, it was only occasional when something bad happens.

Can anybody offer some good advice? Please?

[adam_k]

Im sorry you had to go through that. It was wrong for your maid to do that to you and it is not your fault.

I struggle with self esteem issues as well. It can be hard, but you can fight the inner critic. That little voice that says you are ugly and worthless. You have to tell him to shutup and embrace yourself. Look at all the things you like about yourself. I used to self harm as well. Sometimes it was because I felt really depressed and it made me feel better and other times it was because I didnt like myself very much. I think therapy may help you. It helped me when I was really depressed. I hope you find support. Im here if you want to talk about anything.

[Sannah]

These would be good things to work through in therapy.