Do you ever stop being scared of your abuser?

What do you think? I am still scared of my mother from a horrible childhood of abuse. I am in therapy , have done EMDR work, but I am wondering if that scared feeling will ever go away.

YES.... that horrible feeling will fade the more you HEAL and come to terms with the ideal that you are an adult now and that you can protect your self from any further harm.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

It will in time.... Time comforts the hurting.... I can't say heal but comfort......maybe later in my therapy I will heal... Take good care....

yes, definately

Yea. it happens but for some it happens quicker than most. For me it was a matter of death of the abuser, and in reference to the others it came down to I knew - that's it. it has finally came down to this person is going to kill me, well if Im going to end up dead then someone is going to know why I am dead upon my death. I knew I had nothing left to lose for I had already lost home after home, friends after friends, job after job and so on in my efforts to be free of the abuse. Just one day right after this abuser caused me pain and warned me to keep my mouth shut or he would kill me. I knew Im dead anyway if not physically or suicidally then mentally. I had no more to give and nothing left to lose. Since Im going to lose this fight I might as well take the abuser down with me so that what was happening to me would not happen to another person. I opened my mouth big - in prison inmate offender programs, governors task force, Jr high and high school classes, community agencies - churches, kwanis clubs, boy scouts, girl scouts, you name it0 college nursing , psychology, socioloy classes, newspaper article, workshops, community child abuse protection counsel. You name it. If it was within an hours drive of my location I was letting people know. Amazingly it took about 6 months to a year before word got back to my abuser and so on. I went through threats and so on but I figured hey, Im dead no matter what anyway so hide out with a friend and continue on with my making this world a better place for any and all children.

I was going to die at my abusers hands, I was done being afraid and running from state to state, town to town, city to city, going by this name, now that one, now another new name, Hey no matter where I went I was eventually found so obviously I was doing exactly what my abuser wanted me to do - keep my mouth shut and be afraid of him, and of death.

The end result - I took him down for he was warned by a lawyer that unless he wanted to be in jail my abuser was to stay clear of me, especially after the lawyer realized I was not the abusers only victim. The abuser moved out of my area and state. for once my abuser was the one on the run, instead of it not being save for me to live where I was, it was no longer safe or advisable for the abuser to remain. Not only did I take the abuser down but that town where I grew up are now doing right by complaints of ANY kind when a child comes forwards. In fact one person I went to school with is now sitting in jail for sexual abuse of minorS in that town, and those other abusers that made an attempt or two on me high tailed it for therapy and so on and made a point of contacting me so that I could varify they WERE getting the help they needed so that they would not harm another child. they my one or two time abusers were afraid of ME and that I would blow them out of the water too. LOL

Good for you Myself,
You are one strong cookie I think. I guess once my mom is dead, then I don't have to worry about future abuses, only healing the past abuses.

<font color="purple"> I am not scared of any of my abusers anymore.... but I do get anxiety and panic attacks when in their presence.... Not because of fear that they will hurt me again, but the attacks are brought on from memories and inset reactions.... something I am suppose to be working on soon.....

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Thank you.

Really Myself, I am impressed with all that you did, it took guts, and not everyone would have the courage to do what you did. I hope it is okay for me to say this.

I wasn't always this strong someone looked at me wrong and I hid in my books, music, cried, or lived in my head mentally daydreaming about a safe place.

When I became this strong I didn't see it as standing up for myself and being strong. It was kind of like you know how alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they finally stop using booze to run away from their problems.

Well I hit rock bootm. I was in my 20's. my energy and logical thinking was gone. I had no place to go I was already at rock bottom and no matter where I looked the walls of the pit were shear glass with no footholds to climb back up and run from my abuser. so I basically laid down to die, by writing a suicidal letter to an author of a self help book that my support group was using, and I wanted to let her know how much her book has helped some of us in the group before I died.

Thanks to my penpal montor being there for me when I needed her and her pointing out all sides of what she was seeing from me I slowly I began to see that abusers want their victims to remain quiet, so that they can continue abusing them until they are used up and ready to die like I was.

So here I am ready to die corresponding with my penpal mentor who happened to be VERY vocal in the public eye and known for putting things right out there no matter how controversial the way she sees it telling me that I have alot to live for and the strengths she sees in me and so on because instead of just killing myself I had picked up pen and paper and her book and wrote to her.

If I choose to hold on Something will come along that will answer my questions of why me and why wait for him to kill me to her. she didn't have those answers but someday I will have those answers I am looking for.

Thanks to her I begain to live again. First I began to live for her and her letters then I began to live for me and take down my abuser in his effeort to mentally and physically kill me.

While I was still in that highly suicidal frame of mind my answers came when the founder of the group came in one night and said she got a call from a prison guard who wanted to come into the group the next week and talk to us. he wanted some vollunteers to be his guest speakers for his inmate offenders program.

At first I was afraid while listening to the prison guard and what he wanted our group to do - go into his group and put back into these mens lives a face and feelings to their crimes so that prison no longer is a place where they don't have to face their victims and what their crimes are doing to their victims..

But when someone in the group had vollunteers and then decided not to go I knew I was going to even if I did not say a word. If I was going to die it was going to be because people knew I was a victim, not silently like abusers want.

Why me? Why wait? - so that I could understand and help other survivors and make this world a better place by taking down my abuser even though I knew I was going to die.

Sometimes even now after all that I have done with going public I don't realize that I have actually grown stronger and have done amazing things. and when that happens sometimes I slip back into feeling helpless or depressed or like a victim instead of a survivor.

So I have no problem with people letting me know when they see something strong in me. in fact my penpan - mentor - friend (for she has seen me through over a decade of lifes awards and joys and growth challenges and you name it. she has been there for me in whatever ways she can be no matter when I need her) never lets me forget how strong I really am and that she sees that I am now not a victim but a survivor. My local friends also tell me when they see something of strength in me, as does my therapist.

Thank you for adding to my list of positives. I believe that life is too short to just focus on the negative aspects. it makes going through the negatives that much easier.

Hang in there you will get there as you heal and are ready.

I dont know if I'll ever stop being scared of 'him'.

What makes it worse, is that he is ALREADY dead, but I find that he still has so much power over me!

Who knows what power dead people have to be able to torment the living?
What about ghosts that you see in movies that go about haunting people?
Does death really mean the end?

I was brought up in a very religious family, and although I do not have these relgious beliefs anymore, I am still haunted by stories of the existence of the afterlife and eternity.

I wish death DID mean the end and I didnt have to worry anymore.

But I can still feel his hands on me ..... and strange things happening to my body. I know rationally that these are just body memories and flashbacks, but I can't help but imagine that he's still around and abusing me even from the grave.

I'm sorry .... its a difficult day for me today, and I dont feel at ALL strong or brave.

I still have nightmares.

I used to have nightmares too when I was suffering from PTSD, sometimes 5 a night. It is a horrible feeling, luckly it stopped when the PTSD was cured.
My mother had recently threatened me and with an upcoming reunion coming up, I am afraid she might attend from out of state. So I am not going. The last either of me or my brother has seen her was when she put a gun to my brothers head , 2 days after Xmas when my dad died. So she is scary and my T says it is best to avoid her. She is dangerous. I just hate to be scared and I guess I won't get any peace from it until she is dead also. But at least I am not triggered into PTSD anymore. That is such a relief.

((((((Majella)))))) How are you doing today? I am sorry you are going through so much pain. Someday you will okay, I just know it . Are you seeing a T?

My T has told me that I have endured some of the worse child abuse he has heard of and he has been a T for a long time and works with child abuse prevention groups. He says he is amazed at the pace of my recovery, he says he has darn good job with me. I told him well that is true, but boy do you have a big ego. LOL This is the first time I have been in therapy and I am so lucky to have such a good T. Someday I am going to help children who are being abused, and for the prevention of child abuse. I am going to use my knowledge of knowing what it is like, to help others. I guess I am really passionate about it.

as long as we learn and heal, and remember to no9t become an abuser which has happened to some (mental abuse) as a way to get back at someone

I agree the cycle of all abuse must stop because all abuse is bad. If anyone trys to abuse me in any way, I will defend myself because I have no tolerance for abuse. But if I have to use physical force to protect myself, I will use it, I will also not let anyone bully me either, because that is abuse in itself and I will protect myself or my children.

From what people tell me, that scared feeling will go away.
I never had a chance to get over it because my abuser shot himself.
But I was scared of him while he was alive. I hope no one kills themself, but I hope that your scared feelings go away, we are here for you!
-Megan-

I am feeling heaps better today, exotic flower ... thanks for asking .... sorry for falling apart on your thread.

Hi Majella,

I am glad you are doing better! I am feeling a little bit better my self. I saw my T yesterday and we talked about how to stay safe the week of the reunion. He says my fears are not irrationtional since my mother is scary , has a gun, and is nuts.

My anxiety level is really high, but at least I got out of the house today and exercised instead of issolating like I have this week.

I think I am going to spring clean my house, it helps to stay busy I think. I signed up for my college classes yesterday, so I want to get the house organized before school when I have less time.

I guess I need to take it day by day. Thanks for responding back! ;-)

ExoticFlower, as you learn that you are capable of protecting yourself from further abuse the fear does dissipate. Your mother has a gun?! And is capable of using it on you?! OMG! As you learn to literally and physically protect yourself from her, without feeling guilty for doing so, you will feel stronger. OMG, I cannot even begin to imagine what a childhood you've had with her! And you came out of it alive! You owe it to yourself to continue to keep youself safe from harm.
I have slowly over the course of years of therapy stopped having this paralyzing fear of my physically abusive parents. I still fear I'll be physically assaulted by any adult who lets his/her anger be shown. Transference, yeah. But thankfully my parents have put the belt away and they've been real nice to me, except for their occasional anger at choices I've made for myself, such as divorcing my ex. I keep the necessary distance from them, I take whatever goodness does come my way. But they don't have a gun, they've even put the belt away, not that I'd ever compare those two instruments!
It must be tough for you, having the abuse weapon alive and well....
Take good care of yourself, protect yourself good!
All the best,
9874

Thank you so much for your understanding 9874, it is so nice to have support from people who really can relate.

She does have a gun and knows how to use it, but what is really scary to me is her mind. It is really twisted, unpredictiable, and heartless.

I have some safety plans with my kids and DH, almost like fire drills or tornado drills. I have a security system, but really those only help they don't prevent anything. Even if I could get a restraining order, my mother wouldn't let that her stop her if she deceided to do something. Having these plans have helped a little bit. The best thing she isn't in my home town anymore, she is over 1000 miles away, but still that is just a 2 hours plane ride, 24 hour car ride away.

What is really scary , which brought on my PTSD and going into therapy for the first time, was when she forged my name and signed my kids up for this mall kids club. The club had all kids of free coupons, came with a Tshirt, sidewalk chalk, etc.. I got this stuff in the mail one day, and I called the mall and said I didn't sign my kids up for anything. Well they said it was odd because they don't send this stuff through the mail. (it came in a unmarked package with the mall's address , addressed directly to my kids) Well after the lady was checking on this, she then came back on the phone and said, oh, are you such and such? I said yes, then she said, well you mom signed her grandkids up for this club, she works here as a security guard!!!!'

I almost dropped the phone I was shaking so bad! I am like, I haven't had contact with her for over 3 years, and she had no permission to sign my kids up for this. I did complain to the security office, I told them I hope she isn't around kids or anything. This totally shook my world.

You see she has used authority figures to threatenen me before as a child. She used to be a EMT and had police that were her friends. She didn't like my boyfriend, and she threatened to have the police "rough" him up if he came into town. In a small town this stuff isn't uncommon.

Well just think If I didn't check about the package. I would have went there getting our free ice cream cones while my mother if she saw us, she could of said I was shoplifting or something. And while I am being questioned, she could tell security that she will take my kids home or something like that and then I would never see my kids again. Well she has threatened me before about taking my kids away because I spoiled them, ( I didn't spank them) according to her. So this really freaked me out. Then I found out there wasn't much to do about this other than to keep records of all of this stuff, protect my kids in my will , so she can have no contact with them. I couldn't get a protection order in my state because she hasn't done anything physcially in over 7 years. So I felt so helpless, and it caused my PTSD.

Luckely I am cured from it, I no longer have the symptoms of it. Which is good, because it sure can wreak your life.
So yes she has a gun, which is scary, but her mind is what scares me the most. But I will get through these next few weeks I guess on day at a time. Thank you so much for responding to me. I appreciate it. ;-)

I am glad you are doing well in spite of everything. It takes a lot of strenghth to go through this, and you have, and you even keep contact with your parents which is amazing. My T says staying away from my mom is well advised, because as he says she is one scary b***ch.