[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Lots of triggers in here fyi

I haven't been on here in ages it seems. I've been taking a break working on myself spiritually and emotionally and have come an incredible way.

Just felt like updating since this was the area I had the most trouble with.

If you don't know me and if you don't know my story, a little update...

My father is a meth user. He's been horrible all throughout my life. At 5 years old he forced me to join in a game of russian roulette. I was molested by my teacher in the 4th grade (turned into a legal issue). I was beat up by my middle brother all day every day. My moms boyfriend was extremely abusive in many ways and my eldest brother did some things as well (I wont get into)

I had two very abusive ex's in physical emotional and sexual ways. I was robbed of my "purity" as a very young teen when "no" was not enough. There are many other issues in between. My father was very aggressive and lots of things happened. I blacked out much of the trauma as a child and these are only the ones I can remember and I know I'm not thinking of everything.

I've spent my entire life trying to forget, trying to get past it, trying to get over everything and move on with my life. But something was holding me back.

Guilt. I never knew what was keeping me so low when I wanted so bad to move past it but I learned it was guilt. I opened up to my husband and told him all of the things that I felt the worst about. All of the things that the guilt was eating me alive. He's been so wonderful.

With his help I've been able to work through my guilt. I let go of the anger towards the ones who did it to me. I let go of the anger toward myself for "letting it happen" but the guilt never went away.

I realized it was not my fault, I know they tell you this over and over but it finally clicked. I did not do this, I was a child, I should have been protected by these people, I was not responsible at such a young age to protect myself, that was their job. Even as a teenager, it was not my fault. I did not coerce them or force them or anything of the sort to use me any way they wanted. It was not my fault. I am not to blame.

I'm not completely healed but I am so much better than I have ever been in my life. I feel new. I feel clean and I no longer feel tainted.

It's wonderful to feel this way after spending a life time of guilt.

I just wanted to update since I haven't been on here in a while. And to let you know, it does get better. I've been through almost every abusive situation you can think of with the crazies in my life and I'm healing. It is possible and it is wonderful.

My therapist told me a few months ago that I'd had one of the most abusive childhoods he's ever heard of. I went into details with him though. He'd say it's a miracle I didn't end up on drugs or prostituting or something but it's not. I'm not special, I'm no better than anyone else, I am no more unique nor stronger than anyone else. I just have a STRONG desire to get past this and to live my life the way I want it, not the way they conditioned it to be.

I'm so thankful for the place I am at right now. It is wonderful and I hope all of you are at, are further or will get to where I am soon. It's wonderful to be set free of the guilt pain and anger from your past.

[Dante'sStoker]

I am happy for you, PurpleFlyingMonkeys.

[Leed]

WOW!! Bless your sweet heart. You MUST be a strong woman to get thru all that.

What an inspiration you are to EVERYONE here who is going thru abusive situations!! God sent you here to help each and every person here.

I hope you will continue to come here and help others who so badly need it! You would be SUCH a source of strength to them!

God bless you my friend, and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[shezbut]

(((PFM)))

Thank you so much for coming in to share your story of positive growth that has taken you a lot of work and devotion. It really gives those struggling some hope for their own future in life. Thank you!

It's wonderful to hear how much things have improved for you lately! Very best wishes ~ please do continue to keep us posted. Thank you!