[vangelisk]

I was different all my life. It wasnt particularly in a good or bad way. Especially between ages 5-17, i had so much trouble with everyone around me. Noone seemed to love me or care about me. Except several people troughout my life. I thought it was okay once i started unviersity. But then i started to become angrier everyday. When everything was fine and stable i couldnt help but keeo thinking about what ive been trough. I realized that i had deep scars in my mine and soul. Everyday it was worse. And i was mad at my single mother and father because they couldnt protect me from the dangers of a cruel society.

To be honest my main purpose to write these is a hope that if i share with people i might find some peace.

I couldnt study enough to pass the classes in university because though i was witty and intelligent, i could never focus enough. I was always thinking so much, it was blocking everything in my head. I kept ditching my responsiblities. I would finish a project but not give it to professors for no reason. I was completely paralized within my mind. I started having rageous outbursts at simple things. And i would laugh instead of cry . A doctor said it was a way to handle sadness and anxiety. These episodes would only occur when i was having a disagreement with my mother. Because we were close and familiar, i would be relaxed enough to show that i was actually so angry and stressed. But in time episodes began to happen with my friends too.. The closer the person the more i would show my anger. Therefore make them more concerned and sad.

I left university, came back to my hometown which is istanbul, biggest city in turkey, my country. I have been into arts since i was two years old and had a certain gift for illustration, painting , drawing. I decided to live as an artist and started drawing much more. It seemed to relax me a lot and it was also the only thing i would be able to focus on.

But as an effect of living in another city, away from my mother, she was like a stranger to me. And i didnt really feel comfortable around her. I started fearing her. She also has some mental conditions and a diagnosed bipolar patient. But she doesnt use any medicals. Her bipolar swings are very long term. She is fine for 1-2 months then for another 1-2 months she becomes a person that is very angry (but different from mine) and not understanding at all. She also forgets what she did and said in the past. Its like she's not even there but only as an eerie presence.

By the way my father is abroad and i cannot reach him. I dont know where he is.

So it's been better for me since i left university and started doing art only. But now because my mother and i are in the same house, and because we live in an isolated neighbourhood (55 km to the city centre) ,we keep fighting. I'm so sick of it. She blames the world for things she could have done but could not. I suspect she blames me too but i dont think she's even aware of that. Maybe this is my paranoia but i have reasons to think so. I just hope i am wrong. She keeps telling me she loves me. But this means nothing because even her tone of voice is angry and in a blaming manner , full of pun. She says she cannot help it. She and i think she need to see a doctor but although we are not poor, we cannot spare money for psychologist either.

I have been terrible headaches and hallucinations, nausea i bad stomach because of stress. I eat my fingernails and am addicted to masturbation. I believe these are all results of my stress. I too need to see a doctor but for obvious reasons i cannot or i hesitate.

I feel like all of my mother's sadness is in my hands. I feel responsible for her. She says she would fall apart if she didnt have me by her side. I used to love her so much and i used to look up to her. Now i just want to be out of her life. At the same time i keep feeling like a bad person because that would be leaving a person in need behind. I'm a good man. I never want to be cruel to anyone. But because i cannot handle this situation with my mom and because i cannot get over what ive been to as a kid, i cannot keep on going.

Im having suicidal thoughts but then i think of my friends, i love them. There are so many things i love in this world. I have many dreams.

I dont have any relatives. It is just me and my mother. I dont have a job, cant earn money for rent . People in turkey dont really spend money on art. so i cannot rent a house and be with myself. Which i think would be so great for me.

I cannot leave, i cannot stay. I beg each of you people's help and advice.

Sincerely,
Jean

[Travelinglady]

Hello, Jean! I can see how you are under a lot of stress. You're correct that your mother does really medical help and probably even medications. And you could use some therapy, too.

I am glad you have found art as a way to deal with your concerns. Are you able to make much money at it?

Obviously, you can't really give your mother what she needs. She is sick, so she can't be the mother you need either.

We are here to support you, though. Feel free to share as much of your feelings and experiences as you'd like here. I, too, find that sometimes just
talking to someone about what I'm upset about does help.

You might also want to post in the bipolar forum to see if the folks there can offer you any insights into your mother's behavior. I am bipolar myself, but I see a therapist and take medication.

Well, I hope something I've said here will help a bit. Please feel free to keep posting.

[Sannah]

Hi Jean, welcome to PC. I'm sorry about your situation. Can you get a different job?