How do I deal with this? TW

DelusionsDaily · Mar 18, 2013, 08:30 PM

Hi all,

I don't normally post on this forum but in T on Friday the r*** that happened to me when I was 18 came up and now I'm wondering how to deal with it. Is it something I have to talk about to deal with or is there another way to do it? I'm struggling with it big time now normally I can just push it away and be ok but lately that hasn't worked. I've been having nightmares and crap about it. It WON'T go away. UGH!!! I hate this. The worst is when I have to see the wench that did it to me. She is pure evil. How does a 38 y/o do that to an 18 y/o? I mean really? I know it can be worse but supposedly she "loved" me. How is that love? GOD I hate her so much. I'm so confused about my feelings right now all I know is I'm pissed off about it not hurt or anything else...just pissed off. What do I do to start working through this?

optimize990h · Mar 18, 2013, 09:46 PM

You just need to get it out. Either here or with someone you are comfortable with here at PC if you are up to it. Sometimes it is not possible to talk to the one that started the whole mess.

picklewheeze · Mar 19, 2013, 10:54 AM

Youre not alone. Are you female?

I was abused by a woman, for a long time the only thing I could feel was anger. It really ****ed me up.

It takes time to work through these things and quite often talking through them does really help. I would try it. It does get easier once you can sort out your feeelings towards it. You obviously have a lot to say, you just need a place to say it.

It really does help it just takes time. Ive also tried boxercise and things like that.

I've had a phobia of swimming since my abuser turned up at a swimming gala and I had a massive panic attack in the water and nearly drowned. Yesterday, I went swimming. There were times I started to run out of breathe and STARTED to panic. But it was the best thing I've ever done. I tihnk its going to help heal me.

Youve got to run at your walls unfortunately and find your own ways to break them down.

tinyrabbit · Mar 19, 2013, 11:21 AM

You don't have to talk, but it can help. I know you've had bad luck with therapy. Would you consider calling a helpline like RAINN?

Sannah · Mar 19, 2013, 06:45 PM

Talking about it with your T would be really helpful. You can take your time doing this, though.

Sabra · Mar 19, 2013, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

Hi all,

I'm struggling with it big time now normally I can just push it away and be ok but lately that hasn't worked. I've been having nightmares and crap about it. It WON'T go away. UGH!!! I hate this. The worst is when I have to see the wench that did it to me. She is pure evil. How does a 38 y/o do that to an 18 y/o? I mean really? I know it can be worse but supposedly she "loved" me. How is that love? GOD I hate her so much. I'm so confused about my feelings right now all I know is I'm pissed off about it not hurt or anything else...just pissed off. What do I do to start working through this?

Good evening,

It's time. When the subconscious begins to push abuse to the surface, you are ready to deal with it. Trust yourself and your therapist. I was abused by women and it presents a ***** of a twist. Anger is helpful...it gives you the energy to do the work. Writing helps. The kind of writing where you don't filter anything or use punctuation....just let it roll.

You can PM me if you wish,

Sabra

DelusionsDaily · Mar 20, 2013, 04:32 PM

How do I talk about this? I feel so disgusting. I mean who do I talk to? my T certainly doesn't want to hear the details...nor do I want to utter what happened. My parents don't know anything I have considered telling my mom but why? She doesn't need to carry that burden whatever she may tell herself. So I don't know what to say.

Sannah · Mar 20, 2013, 05:59 PM

No, your T does want to hear the details because this is the process to let go of these traumas. As you talk about what happened to you, you can release your feelings. This is how you heal.

DelusionsDaily · Mar 20, 2013, 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

No, your T does want to hear the details because this is the process to let go of these traumas. As you talk about what happened to you, you can release your feelings. This is how you heal.

I don't know about that. I don't know this T very well. I don't trust him yet. It would take a lot to talk about it with him. I mean he knows it happened but otherwise I don't think I can talk about it. It's just too scary. I'm really sickened by the memories. All I know is I wish I could just forget it.

Open Eyes · Mar 20, 2013, 09:18 PM

How I got around this was I asked my T about the kind of sexual abuse I suffered. It gave me time to see how he felt about it and how much he knew. It sounds like you are really upset because a "woman" abused you. Why don't you ask your T if he has dealt with that before, how common it is and if others he has treated have a really hard time talking about it.

That is how I approached it and it allowed me to just say "me too" without getting into verbalizing the details myself.

Rorisan · Mar 20, 2013, 09:19 PM

I was abused sexually, physically, and emotionally when I was 4. I was raped when I was 14.

I was damn near 30 years old when I finally told someone out loud what actually happened. It wasn't until almost a year later that I completely broke down because of it. I cried it out for what seemed like forever.

Since then, it's been a process of recognizing that my psyche never really grew up properly, and now it's having to. It will be painful, but with a good therapist (and a good one will push you, but not so hard that it traumatizes you), talking about it can help take the sting out of the memory, and also help keep it from surprising you. '

No one should have to go through this. I am sorry that you had to. I hope that you do what you need to do to get better.

<3 Rorisan

diminishing soul · Mar 21, 2013, 02:37 PM

I'm sorry to hear about that. Peace be w/you!

DelusionsDaily · Mar 21, 2013, 08:19 PM

I'm never telling another soul anything about it. I told my mom last night and I got nothing. She talked about it like it was dinner conversation. UGH! I hate being me...I finally tell her and I get nothing!

Open Eyes · Mar 21, 2013, 09:01 PM

((Melisssa)),

When people are exposed to something like this they often don't quite know how to react. When your mother "remained calm" and "seemed unaffected", it may not be that she didn't care. She may have kept herself composed because she may not have wanted you to get upset of think it is worse than you already do.

Ofcourse, I don't know your mother, but I can picture some mothers reacting low key simply to avoid creating an "upset". Something like this can take someone time to process and think about how to react. Remember, you experienced this first hand and are struggling with it, other people are not always going to know how it feels and the very real emotional confusion. When you post here you are going to get stronger support, because alot of the members in this forum understand, can identify with how you feel. Other people who don't know how an experience like this feels first can might not give you the response you need. It doesn't mean you should not talk about it and open up, you have to be patient though and understand people are not going to quite know how to react right away.

(((Caring Hugs)))

autumnleaves · Mar 21, 2013, 09:06 PM

Well, MelisssaD81, I was also abused by a female perpetrator. For a long long long long time I felt that I "knew" I was the only one. I tried to repress the memories, but that didn't work, at least not completely. I was finally forced to face it in a sense when I was 20 yrs old and basically started to break down and couldn't function. I went in to a counseling office and was basically like, well, all I know is I can't get up in the morning and life seems like a never-ending gray haze and I can't bear to think of living my whole life like this. That first counseling session has since turned into 2 and a half years, up to this very day. It's been a LONG road and extremely painful, difficult, sickening at times. BUT, I am better. I am not perfect, I am not even all that healthy still, but I am better. I am a different person than I was. I have changed so much because I chose to invest in myself. I'm 22 years old, and I'm feeling more like "me" every day.

Now to how this is relevant to you. The only way to deal with your pain is to go through it. There isn't a way to go around it, beneath it, above it, etc. You have to travel through the center of the storm. That sounds terrifying, I know. However, you can take as long as you need to do this. It doesn't have to be a day, a week, a year. It has to be at YOUR pace. That's the only way it will work. It has to be at your pace and it has to happen. Those are the only absolutes. If you don't trust your T enough yet, that's ok. Wait until you do trust him enough. I had to do that too. It's completely natural that you don't trust him enough to spill your guts quite yet. It makes perfect sense that the telling of the story is repulsive to you. I know that when I told my story for the first time especially, but really every time I've told it, there has has been difficulty in the simple process of having to hear myself say the words. To listen to your own story of abuse, r***, whatever it may be, come out of your own mouth is quite challenging. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, but by far one of the best.

Bottom line: You can do it. You need to get rid of all of this poison in order to rebuild who you really are. Do it at your own pace! Don't subscribe to someone else's demands or expectations, but challenge yourself. Take risks. I [B]know[B] that you can heal. I am always here.

Sabra · Mar 23, 2013, 10:43 PM

Hey Melissa,

Please don't take the reaction from your mother and turn it around to harm yourself. It is tempting to use that as proof there is something wrong with you. Put the stick down. There is no reason to use it to beat yourself up. She may have been shell shocked, felt guilty or any number of other reasons. The initial steps you take now are some of the most difficult...keep walking at your pace, but don't stop.

Those of us molested by women know what you are feeling. We know that each tentative step you take feels like you are going to lose your footing....you won't. As you build that bridge of trust with your therapist that is so necessary, trust your timing. You will have someone to take the journey with you.

The shame you are feeling doesn't belong to you......it belongs to the woman who molested you. She hurt you, turned around, walked out the door and left the shame she should have felt with you. You have carried it for way to long..... you need to give it back to her. It will take time and courage, you have already started the process.

You have a lot of sisters on this forum who have walked where you now walk and we are willing to go with you as you move forward. Always remember you are not alone. We are here for you.

Take gentle care,

Sabra