[sampsell]

I'll try to make this as short as i can. I've been up all night again and need to try to get some sleep. One night months ago my husband asked if i had taken any of his sleep medication. I took 2 but only admitted to taking 1 because i knew he didn't like me taking them, less for him for the month and he didn't like how i acted in them. He started counting them I'm front of me and after a few minutes i came clean and told him the truth. They were I'm my purse i hadnt actually taken both. Well he doesn't like lies and this started a fight. A fight is, for us, him yelling and me waiting for him to finish. I don't say much i just try to wait for him to get out what he needs to get out for him to feel better. When i went to bed that night he took it out on me. Without going into much detail he coerced me to giving him oral sex, which i did begrudgingly because he was being hateful and cruel. I wasn't "into it"and did a bad job on purpose. And i told him why, that if he was going to act like that and want it as some way of him feeling like he had control over me and it wasn't about sex then I wasn't going to do like i usually do. After a while, he was demeaning me the whole time saying i was doing it worse than whoever i stopped. Told him i was done and going to bed. He disagreed and forced himself on me. I did tell him no repeatedly and fought him until i was afraid he would hit me and could see that he had his mind made up and no amount of fighting would stop him. So I laid there, covered my eyes crying and waited for it to be over. He didn't finish, but i guess he did what he intended do he stopped. When i did try to talk to him initially about it i did call it rape. He said it was grudge sex which i didn't know what that was till i looked it up on urban dictionary. Which didn't make it better. Since then i haven't been able to sleep. I talked to a therapist over the phone, she said to leave and i have PTSD. It's never happened again but he will not admit and take responsibility for what he has done. I even went through about 7 months of very strong drug abuse trying to numb myself and knock myself out So i could sleep in my bed. I am clean now and don't want to use, but now I'm trying to work through those emotions i numbed myself from for all these months. I even told him why i started using in the hopes that he would finally see theemotional scars that night has caused me. I don't think I'll ever truly begin to heal until he can take the responsibility for his actions and promise me it won't happen again. I told him that because he did ask me what i needed from him. He said that he didn't rape me and that he would only promise to not do it again if i would promise to never lie to him again. And later that night told me if i tried to divorce him he would have someone "really rape me" and then i would know what rape really feels like. There's so much more but i just can't right now. I feel alone and lost and want to know if anyone else is or has been in my shoes and what helped you through? I don't need to be told to leave. I won't leave until I'm ready, if I'm ever going to be ready. What i need is support. I hope to get that here. I've read other posts and seen lots of it so I'm hoping that I'm telling my story for the first time at the right place. Thank you for your time.

[picklewheeze]

Hiya, theres not really too much I can say. I've got major foggy head issue at the moment but dont want to leave this unanswered.

If it helps to know, youre not alone. My ex tried to rape me. It was under very different circumstances but I do have some idea of how it feels to be exploited by someone youcare for.

The emotional abuse he is putting you through sounds really horrible, I know what you;re saying about being ready to leave etc. but I cant help but think that from my perspective it seesm the longer you stay with him and continue to be degraded by him the harder it will become to leave.

Its really hard when feeling gets muddled and confused and just go with your own gut and do what you feel is right for you. You're number one. Go with your gut.

Hugs and support, sorry this isnt that helpful. I only really skimmed your post due to triggers and foggy head but reading through other posts might help you.

[tinyrabbit]

He doesn't get to decide that it wasnt rape. I'm sorry about all you have been through. He is the one in the wrong. Not you.

This was not grudge sex, whatever that is. It was rape.

I know you don't want to be told to leave. But I will tell you it is okay to leave, that you absolutely do have a choice even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You think you need him to say sorry so you can heal but I don't think that's going to happen, or that it will mean anything if it does.

[sampsell]

If i do decide to leave I've got to have my ducks in a row first. I have 3 children, 1 with him and 2 from my previous marriage. I know what love feels like and i know what it feels to be loved and i cannot accept in my mind or my heart that what he has for me is love. I've been talking to colleges about persuing a degree I'm teaching. By the time I would be finished with school all the children will be in school. I have to get myself right and i have to be able to take care of my children and right now I am not I'm that place. I hear you when you say the longer i stay the harder it would be to leave. But he hasn't broken me completely i have an amazing mom and brother that will do anything to help me and support me. So my plan is to go to school, not allow myself to let him sabotage me I'm furthering my education. Stay sober, most importantly! Getting effed up on H didn't help me. I still had the same problems but just added to them because of the lies i told everyone covering up my addiction. I've made steps I'm contacting the church i used to attend that calls themselves the "hospital church" and there are people there that have been through it and i think if i start making goals for myself and start achieving them it'll only help me feel better about myself and keep me busy do I'm not suck at home all day with nothing to do but think about what he did. If things continue the way they have been hew will be divorced again, I am his 3rd wife and the mother of his only child. I'm hoping that ny making positive changes in my life Maybe it'll inspire him to do the same and make him take a look at himself. He can be a good man I've seen it and i don't want to be just another woman that leaves him, it's where a lot of his insecurities come from. But at what cost to me and my children am i willing to sacrifice our happiness trying to make him happy. He's going to have to want to change and want to get help and i intend on continuing to support him. I did not marry him with the intention of leaving if i became unhappy. I don't want to give up on this relationship like i did my last one. I think I'm the sanest person he has ever been with and without trying to sound too snooty the highest class person he has been with. And maybe he's having a hard time learning to test himself better than he had I'm the past. I love him inspite of What he has done. I think with some professional help We can begin to communicate better because i do shut down. What he did was wrong and nobody deserves it. I'm working through it and done days are better than others. I think he is starting to see the effects that night has had on me Nevada i will never be able to look at him the same. I knows what I'm struggling with and he knows what I've asked if him. He had the choice right now and every day to make an effort in making things right and its up to him to try to make the steps to make that happen and i am willing to give him the chance to change if he even can. I just needed really to tell my story and to know I'm not alone.

[refika]

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. I've been through what you went through, and then some, so I can relate. You will find support here, but your best option is to seek professional help through therapy, either group or individual. Therapy will help you become stronger and give you the personalized support you need to make decisions going forward about your marriage, dealing with your husband, or even deciding to leave him.

What you endured is definitely rape and abusive, both physically and emotionally. You are much more deserving of what your husband has to give. It is likely he will not change his ways, so the best piece of advice I can give is don't stay with him thinking he will change. He will not. I know this from more than 10 years of marriage with someone similar to your husband. What you need to decide is if you can live with him the way he is, compromising your principles, identity, and yourself, for his whims, attitude, and his behavior.

You said you won't leave until you are ready. You WILL be ready one day...I thought I would NEVER leave my husband, that I would never be ready, that I would always be able to "tolerate" him....then over time, slowly, I realized I can't keep living like this. It took a life changing event to wake me up and make me ready. Then, with the help of family, friends, and therapy, I made the decision and made my move (literally). I'm still going through everything now, and it's been a very rough road for me.

In the meantime, hang in there, seek support from friends (in person), family (if you can) and definitely therapy to help you keep going day to day and gain clarity you need to make the decisions you need to make.

[big zero]

I don't need to be told to leave. I won't leave until I'm ready, if I'm ever going to be ready.

You're the only one who can make that decision when you're ready. Note that I said 'when'... not 'if'. It seems to me that you already know, deep down, what would be right for you, but you're not quite ready to do it. And I understand. Change takes a lot, especially a change this big.

I won't tell you what to do, but I can say this:
No-one deserves to go through what your partner is putting you through. He did that thing once, and even worse he failed to see how badly it affected you, and how it does to this day. I understand you need closure, you need him to own up to what he did and apologize, but you might want to start preparing yourself for the eventuality that it'll never happen. Someone who threatens to "have someone really r*** you so you can see what it's like" doesn't exactly inspire me the confidence that he'll suddenly change.

I think this is very good advice from refika:

In the meantime, hang in there, seek support from friends (in person), family (if you can) and definitely therapy to help you keep going day to day and gain clarity you need to make the decisions you need to make.

There's nothing I can add to that except that sometimes it's OK to be selfish and put yourself first, if that's what you need to do to protect yourself.
Stay strong and God bless

[sampsell]

Originally Posted by big zero

You're the only one who can make that decision when you're ready. Note that I said 'when'... not 'if'. It seems to me that you already know, deep down, what would be right for you, but you're not quite ready to do it. And I understand. Change takes a lot, especially a change this big.

I won't tell you what to do, but I can say this:
No-one deserves to go through what your partner is putting you through. He did that thing once, and even worse he failed to see how badly it affected you, and how it does to this day. I understand you need closure, you need him to own up to what he did and apologize, but you might want to start preparing yourself for the eventuality that it'll never happen. Someone who threatens to "have someone really r*** you so you can see what it's like" doesn't exactly inspire me the confidence that he'll suddenly change.

I think this is very good advice from refika:

Stay strong and God bless

Thank you. In my head i know what you're saying is right and just last night i was saying to myself that change does take time. I know what has to happen, and when i make up my mind that still be it. I was married before to my high school sweetheart and he was a good man. He never even raised his voice at me, so i know there is better out there. I'm just going to focus on me, set my goals and take care of my children because they fulfill me. There will come a time when enough is enough and i will be ready. I just know that right now with the way i feel about myself I'm not seeing enough to walk away. Your words give me encouragement and the more i write about it and see it on paper the harder it is for me to justify his behavior.

There's nothing I can add to that except that sometimes it's OK to be selfish and put yourself first, if that's what you need to do to protect yourself.

[picklewheeze]

I think you've got this a lot more sorted than you realise. You're doing great go with it and keep your chin up.

[hamster-bamster]

I think the practical steps you are taking towards future financial independence are all great and you are doing great overall. That you stopped drug use on your own speaks volumes of your abilities to effect positive change for yourself.

Your H: "He said that he didn't rape me and that he would only promise to not do it again if i would promise to never lie to him again. "

Besides the fact that it is pathetic - what he said - he is also contradicting himself in this sentence.

If he is trying to get you to promise to do something he does not like - in his case, not telling him the exact true number of that couple of his sleeping pills that you took without asking for his permission first (please try to get your own prescription so that you solve the practical side of this problem for the future) - in exchange for his not doing what you do not like, he is ADMITTING THAT THIS WAS RAPE, because rape is forced sex and if he agrees that he did something you did no agree to, he is admitting the fact of rape. Whatever new urban dictionary coinage he uses as a euphemism does not matter - it was rape and he realizes that it was rape but he does not call it the right name.

[Meisjes]

Sampsell, I can't believe the cruelness from your husband....no words for it. I hope you are safe and away from him soon as you can manage it. Also document his threat to have you raped if you divorce him for your lawyer. That should be on record in case anything ever happens to you. it will be the finger pointing at him. you are so right, he does not love you.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Meisjes

Sampsell, I can't believe the cruelness from your husband....no words for it. I hope you are safe and away from him soon as you can manage it. Also document his threat to have you raped if you divorce him for your lawyer. That should be on record in case anything ever happens to you. it will be the finger pointing at him. you are so right, he does not love you.

Documenting the threat is a great idea, but as far as I understood, it was, unfortunately, not in writing.

[THE16THDOCTOR]

Get out. He's threatening rape if you lie?! That's evil. He's going to punish you with rape. And the comments abt divorce are beyond over the line. I feel terrible I couldn't imagine sleeping in the same bed or home with him. You're strong. I've never heard of grudge sex, I thought I'd heard it all. I can't fathom how ppl can justify doing that to themselves. Calling grudge sex is just another work for rape. You seem well organized. I hope everything goes smoothly. And you can get past it.

[THE16THDOCTOR]

Originally Posted by THE16THDOCTOR

Get out. He's threatening rape if you lie?! That's evil. He's going to punish you with rape. And the comments abt divorce are beyond over the line. I feel terrible I couldn't imagine sleeping in the same bed or home with him. You're strong. I've never heard of grudge sex, I thought I'd heard it all. I can't fathom how ppl can justify doing that to themselves. Calling grudge sex is just another work for rape. You seem well organized. I hope everything goes smoothly. And you can get past it.

I meant get out like leave him. Not get out in a light manner. (Just read it back to myself And wanted to make that clear )

[hamster-bamster]

I also have not heard about grudge sex and the Urban Dictionary gives conflicting definitions.

One of them is:

grudge ****

Having hard, hot, wild, violent, satisfying sex with someone (else) to exersize the deamons of a former BF, GF, or lover you just broke up with.
I need a good grudge **** to get over her.

??

At any rate, his use of innovative vocabulary is completely irrelevant because what he does (actions) is more than enough to divorce him. You do not care about his use of words, unless these are words in writing and you can use them as evidence against him when you need it.

[tinyrabbit]

This was not grudge sex.

This was rape.

[picklewheeze]

Forget grudge sex. I know its hard but I think you know anyway that this was rape. You're doing the right things thinking this through and trying to get away.

[sampsell]

Originally Posted by Meisjes

Sampsell, I can't believe the cruelness from your husband....no words for it. I hope you are safe and away from him soon as you can manage it. Also document his threat to have you raped if you divorce him for your lawyer. That should be on record in case anything ever happens to you. it will be the finger pointing at him. you are so right, he does not love you.

Thank you, document in what way? I've got a few journals that have specific dates of some of the things he has done, I keep them at my moms house. And only a few close family members know about it. I've wondered about that. But I'm not comfortable with going to the police or a hospital especially since it happen 8 or 9 months ago.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by sampsell

Thank you, document in what way? I've got a few journals that have specific dates of some of the things he has done, I keep them at my moms house. And only a few close family members know about it. I've wondered about that. But I'm not comfortable with going to the police or a hospital especially since it happen 8 or 9 months ago.

Regardless of whether you feel comfortable, there is nothing that can be done at this point by going to the police or a hospital - you do not have physical evidence of rape.

[sampsell]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Regardless of whether you feel comfortable, there is nothing that can be done at this point by going to the police or a hospital - you do not have physical evidence of rape.

Well yes my question was how do i document it I'm the case of a divorce

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by sampsell

Well yes my question was how do i document it I'm the case of a divorce

only if you have written threats from him. There were two separate issues:

1) the incident that happened 8-9 ago. Not possible to document it with a hospital or the police because of the passage of time

2) his threat to REALLY rape you in retaliation for the divorce - that could have been documentable if written.

[Harley47]

Originally Posted by sampsell

Thank you, document in what way? I've got a few journals that have specific dates of some of the things he has done, I keep them at my moms house. And only a few close family members know about it. I've wondered about that. But I'm not comfortable with going to the police or a hospital especially since it happen 8 or 9 months ago.

This is something...certainly a start, if nothing else. Keep those journals...it'll help you in a divorce hearing. Meticulous documentation is what pretty much single handedly won my mom custody of me in her own divorce hearing. Hamster is right in saying the passage of time dilutes the efficacy of it, and that not having it in writing hurts, but I would submit that having the journals is, at the very least, something. My mom utilized a lot of pictures in her hearing, along with documents like bank statements and receipts. Just as a general idea. I don't know what of hers is applicable to you.

Sampsell, your husband is an evil, evil man. The "grudge sex" line is a load of pure BS, and even then, what he calls it is irrelevant. His point was sex in a punitive fashion, and he not only recognizes that, but is keeping it on mental tap to use again? And to threaten to have you raped???? "Evil" is not a word I apply often to people, but behavior such as that more than qualifies. With the utmost respect, and do pardon my anger, I hope the man burns in Hell.

Try to pardon me there. Such cruelty is virtually unfathomable to me.

Going to you, I think you've got a very good idea of what you need to do to get out of this, and I commend your strength in being sober. That same strength will help you here, and I am glad to hear that you have a support network. You, I think, will be just fine in the end...I've faith in your ability to overcome this too. Just remember the light at the end of the tunnel...divorce hearings, even when they're as sorely needed as yours, are often painful and drawn out events, unfortunately.

And please, please do be safe...do you have anyone you could stay with after the papers are served? You need to be as far as humanly possible away from this guy...really, he deserves to be in prison for what he has done to you, but barring that, please take precautions for you and your children's safety.

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers Sampsell. If I can do anything for you, please don't hesitate to PM me. I am happy to help as I am able.

Many hugs,
Harley

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Harley47

Such cruelty is virtually unfathomable to me.

so well said

[Meisjes]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Documenting the threat is a great idea, but as far as I understood, it was, unfortunately, not in writing.

by documenting I mean keep a record of it, writing it down, date, circumstances and then keep documenting behaviors and threats that are abusive till the situation is resolved and clear of further incidents. Keep a notebook for this kind of stuff in a safe place. or if keeping a diary/journal make mention of things that happen while writing about the day. my lawyer found this very useful when it came to making decisions about divorce - which way to go with things.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Meisjes

by documenting I mean keep a record of it, writing it down, date, circumstances and then keep documenting behaviors and threats that are abusive till the situation is resolved and clear of further incidents. Keep a notebook for this kind of stuff in a safe place. or if keeping a diary/journal make mention of things that happen while writing about the day. my lawyer found this very useful when it came to making decisions about divorce - which way to go with things.

Oh, I see. I can definitely see how that would be very useful.

[Big Mama]

I am in a similar position as you. My H used to bargin and beg and plead for oral. I hated it, but I did it on more then one ocession ans sex as well. I always agreed with my words. There was no since in fighting him. So if you said no or stop, or didn't concent then it is rape. If you didn't feel safe enough to say no and continued with the act because you were coeresed it is rape.

My H gets very angry over lieing. I told him I wouldn't lie to him if I felt like honesty were a safe choice. But I do, I lie and I am deceptive and I fear him very much. I have been married to this man for 18 years and we have 3 kids. I understand your hesitation. I get your resistance to leave. I so understand your wanting of advice, any advice besides leave.

The only advice I have is get marriage T. My H and I go to marriage T. It has helped some and I am hopeful that it will continue to help. I told my T about what has happened. What he did, and the pressure I feel to do what he wants sexually. She has not called my H out on his behavior but is working w/ me to avoid this situation. I was raped 20+ years ago, and it affects how I deal w/ things now. We are working threw the past rape of 20 years, in hopes that H can see the connection of what he does and how it is so close to rape.

My T has not pressured me to leave or press charges. But I do not know from day to day weather or not I want to stay. I document everything. What he says, the context, what he does, what his attitude is like, how he deals w/ finances, with the children. No one would beilieve me if I told them what happened/happens. So docouenting it myself is my only option. My T is also documentation, and telling others is documentation, telling your pastor is documentation. Telling your kids teacher at school can be documentation, telling your family doctor or your dentist is documentation. Show them the bruses, show them "this is how he acts", keep texts he may send. Seek T. You can tell them you are in T to work on yourself. You want a happy marriage and need to do what you can on your end to make things right. You can only control you. I hope some of these things help.

Leaving or staying is definiately your decesion. No one can make that choice ofr you. You and your children will have to live with the result forever. That is a big step. Forever is a mighty long time. But so is till death do us part and living w/ abuse. It is a mighty long time.

Good luck w/ what ever decision you make. Feel free to PM me and talk to me. I know exactly how you feel. It there are things you need to say, or frustrations you just neeed to dump, I understand and you can feel free to pm me and spill your fears worries and hurts.