[Big Mama]

********TRIGGER MY STORY OF RAPE**********
*****WARNING DO NOT PROCEEDE IF YOU HAVE TRIGGERS RELATED TO *******RAPE **** STOP NOW BEFORE IT IS TO LATE ********

Hey yall. I have been doing some thinking. Alot of thinking. I know for quite some time I have been here talking about the things I have seen and been threw. Yall have been so supportive. I have taken a huge step. I was at the point of leaving my husband. Things were as good as over. I cannot guarantee that things will work out but I am very optimistic. I have been doing T for trauma stuff. I finally decided that my husband needed to know what happened to me. I was raped many years ago. It has affected my marriage in ways I could never begin to fathom. I gathered the strength from you guys here and from my T to tell my H what happened. You guys were so helpful that I feel like you deserve the right to know to. I need to tell someone, anyone. I am so happy to finally be able to share what happened but at the same time I am so afraid of this new strength and power.

I want to give you some insight to my life. This is what I shared w/ my husband. Please pray for me in the weeks to come, my husband and I will both need them.

For 9 months I was raped. I was 15 and my boyfriend was 19 or 20 years old. Every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday would end up the same way. I didn't have the strength to fight for myself. I remember crying and begin, and pleading for him to stop. I soon learned it was easier to just go threw w/ what he wanted so he would stop and leave me alone. This is just one incident that occurred....
On this one occasion, HE put me in his truck. Things would start out innocent, we were going to check on calves. I didn't know this was an excuse. After getting in the truck we would go into different hey fields, past barns, threw gates, some fields more than once from opposite ends. He was getting me lost. We came to one of the hay barns and we got out. We checked out the calves, but that was not all he wanted to check out. In the barn was a blanket and a bottle of Cloraseptic throat spray. I knew what he wanted. It was comply or I’ll leave you here. It had gotten close enough to dark that I knew I would never find my way back.

I happen to be terrified of the dark. I am still afraid of the dark. Even in my own house. So any way back to the story, I did what he wanted, learned what was necessary and found a whole new use for throat spray.
I remember the tears, the dread, the begging from him to go threw with it. I remember the begging to stop from me, the fear. As sad as it sounds, I remember the care put into my comfort. The blanket, the throat spray, the chap stick for afterwards. At one point I thought he was trying to choke me w/ his hand on my throat. But soon I learned that was not his full intent. It was his intent to choke me for not complying or not doing something correctly “I told you …..” But at times it was a kind gesture to keep the angle correct or to keep me from being sick. Since he knew what to do and I did not, I had to trust a monster, I had to put my faith in an animal (him), to get through this. I did and learned quickly what to do to make this process go as quickly and painlessly as possible,

He didn’t make me take it all in my mouth (cum) every time. I guess the sight of tears & that were a bad combination. I do not EVER want to do that again. Some things are meant to be swallowed, not that though. EEEWWWWW.

Past boyfriends and my husband included think I don't do this because I don't know how. They assume that I do not do this because I don’t know how. That could not be further from the truth. Believe me I do. I learned under the most horrible conditions

I have come along way in being able to tell my story. It is eating away at me. I feel a huge need to share what happened. I don't know why. I guess it is kinda like the more I share the more of my story I give away and the less there is to hurt me. I think a piece of this story will always leave scars on my heart. But not that I have shared, the scars will not be gaping wounds.

Big Mama...
I am sorry for what you went through. I cannot believe these monsters exist, but I know they do. I admire you for telling your story. I hope you realize how strong you are and hope things work out for you.

[Big Mama]

YYZ thank you. At the moment Thank you is all I can say.

[H3rmit]

Aw, Big Mama, I feel your vulnerability. And I feel outrage. And I sense you have strength. And I hope you can heal.

[wistful]

I was molested for five years by the school janitor when I was in elementary school. It made me ill cause I became attracted to sick men when I got older. I had some nice boyfriends, those ones I picked. The ones that I allowed to pick me for a girlfriend were sick.

One boyfriend that I wasn't really interested in, I ended up living with because he was very charming and extremely manipulative. He wouldn't watch Seinfeld and I realised later it was because he imitated him to a tea to charm people. It worked. I ended up being raped by him everyday, sometimes 2-3 times a day and it went on for 4 and a half years. He would nag and hound me, until I agreed to sex. I guess I thought it would be different and hoped it would be better each time, until finally I asked him why he wouldn't have foreplay. He replied that he liked it dry. I didn't realise it was rape because I said yes to it, but it was because it was unwanted sex. Turned out he was bi-sexual and having sex with men too. The whole time I wanted to leave him but had nowhere to go. I would break up with him, ask him to leave and somehow he would get back living with me. He was full of life and charming me and brought dope with him which he knew I wanted because I needed to stand my life at the time. It was a vicious cirle. I had nowhere to go and nobody to turn to for years and finally my mother allowed me to move home and I was rid of him at last. As a result of the abuse, I developed a mental illness. I am now on a waiting list for therapy. It ended 17 years ago so I've taken a while to finally see I needed help.

A few years ago I was raped again by someone else, it was during the day. He asked if he could come over for coffee and I was lonely so I agreed. As soon as he got there he shut the door and took me to the couch where he shoved it in my mouth and proceeded to make me deep throat him. I gagged and gagged. Then he told me to take off my clothes, and I didn't know what he would do if I didn't, so I did and he raped me. I ended up in the hospital again, sick with fear, then I moved home with my mother again!
Another time another boyfriend said it slipped when he stuck it up my rear end during sex. I'm still not over that.

These are my awful stores. I hope sharing helps you. Your story helped me.
I can't wait for therapy! It'll probably take years of counselling. Thankfully I'm strong. Good luck to you, I hope you get the help you need.

[Harley47]

Hi Big Mama.

I cannot begin to commend your strength and courage enough...truly, I can't. I am sorry that you ever had to experience such a thing...the way you described it...it was calculated from the onset. Truly, that man is a monster...I hope karma comes swiftly and shows him the "mercy" a "man" like that deserves.

But you should be proud Big Mama...you've endured what I wholeheartedly consider one of the worst things a person can inflict upon another, and look where you are now, you know? You've done SO much for others here, and I personally consider you a friend. Things may still be hard, but you're doing everything in your power to try to fix things...many, myself most likely included, would've buckled long ago. You should take a great deal of pride at the inner strength and courage you possess.

Thank you for posting this Big Mama...I'm sure, as at least one already has, will gain insight and draw strength from your story. I hope that sharing this with us has helped, in some small way, to ease yourself of this.

Know that you are in my prayers, and that you have my respect.

Many hugs,
Harley

[Big Mama]

Harley, thank you so much for the kind and encouraging words. Thank you is again all I can say. I am not usually at a loss for words.

[Big Mama]

wistful, I am so sorry for the things that happened to you. I hate the things you had to endure. There are so amny horrible instances that stick out in my mind. I am mot ready to go there yet. But some times life deals us a crappy hand huh. I can only think of this one way, If I give this a positive spin, I think it has given me the ability to relate to others, and to protect my daughter. I can listen and help others because I really do understand. I'm not just someone who says I understand, I really do UNDERSTAND. That is a blessing, what happened was terrible and has left scars that will be there forever. But maybe I can help lift up others or give others courage and hope.

[kittycat97]

I am so sorry that you went through this in the past. That guy ought to be shot.

[wistful]

thanks Big Mama

[adam_k]

I'm sorry for what you had to go through big mama. It wasn't right what this man put you through and I hope sharing it here helps you heal from these tragedies you had to endure. I wish I could say something to take your pain away, but there is nothing I can do except listen to your story and be there for you. Just remember that this man isn't part of your life anymore and you have the right to chose what happens to your body. If you don't want sex, then you have the right to say no. If you do want to experience physical pleasure you also have that right. I hope therapy brings piece to your inner turmoil and I hope your husband can become the man that respects, loves and shows you the tenderness you need. If you ever need to talk ill around and I wish you the best in healing from these tragedies. You didn't deserve to endure any of it and it was a sick man than put you through it.

[Big Mama]

Adam thank you so much. I am glad I have come to this place. The people here at PC you included have helped me so much. When My T can't be here to help me walk threw this I know I don't walk alone because of people like you.