[tinyrabbit]

I recently made the mistake of trying to talk to my mum about my childhood. My T thinks I try to talk to her out of optimism. I hate to admit it, as it means I care, but he's right.

My childhood kind of sucked. My dad had depression and everyone walked on eggshells round him. There was only space for his feelings and it was like he had an unlimited pass to be a jerk. My mum didn't listen to me and said things like: "Well, don't feel like that." People thought I came from a 'nice', respectable family but I was neglected in a lot of ways. I was miserable and afraid. But my dad constantly told me I should be more grateful and more respectful. My feelings didn't exist or count. Also, I think there was CSA, but I'm not sure.

Things were much worse after my dad lost his job when I was 12. My older brother left for uni when I was 13. When I was 15, I attempted sui and my parents left me alone in the hospital and then claimed they hadn't even known I was upset which is just the biggest lie. I saw a social worker or a shrink or something who didn't even look at me, asked some random questions and wrote in my medical records that I had no reason to be depressed.

When I tried to talk to my mum recently, she said: "At least you spent a lot of time out of the house. I gave you a lot of lifts, I often took you to Lisa's house." She actually sounded indignant. I said: "Ever think the wrong person was out of the house?" And she said: "Well, we were offered family counselling and you refused to go." In this really accusatory tone. Like that means I can't complain.

My dad had depression and a terrible temper and constantly told me I was ungrateful and disrespectful. He used to have a go at me over the tiniest things, like leaving a tap dripping. My mum refused to listen to me or comfort me. I was a teenager, so the prospect of family counselling would be excruciating full stop, and I didn't want to sit in a room, two against one, and then have to go home with them after, as I would have been afraid to say how I felt.

Partly out of fear.
Partly because my dad told his doctor that we, his family, made him sui***al. Which was such great knowledge to have.

Apparently my dad saw a psychiatrist or therapist or something who offered family counselling and I wrote to her saying I wouldn't do it. I don't remember this at all. But my mum made it sound like it would have been the same person so they would already have been on my dad's side.

When my mum said I had refused to go, she said it as if that meant I couldn't complain. I was a teenager, not an adult, but she's putting it onto me.

I'm not asking whether family counselling would have helped. I just want to ask this: do you blame me saying no?! Isn't it understandable that I said no? I really need to know if other people can understand why I said no, why I didn't want to do it.

Sorry this is so long.

[nicoleflynn]

What we want as humans is to be validated and heard. Your mom doesn't want to do that; she doesn't want to be seen as bad or doing anything wrong. You have a right to all of your feelings and thoughts. Your mom is making excuses because she needs to feel good about herself and is ignoring your feelings.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

What we want as humans is to be validated and heard. Your mom doesn't want to do that; she doesn't want to be seen as bad or doing anything wrong. You have a right to all of your feelings and thoughts. Your mom is making excuses because she needs to feel good about herself and is ignoring your feelings.

Thank you. This is an absolutely accurate summary and it really helps to hear it from someone else who isn't me!

I talked to my T about this and he said what teenager would actually want to go, that it was totally understandable that I didn't want to. He says everything is always given back to me as my fault, and he's right, and I'm sick of it.