[bobvilla]

So I guess I am mostly here to just vent and possibly listen to opinions. Basically, I am a 24 year old female with possibly avoidant and/or anxious attachment syndrome. I trust literally no one. In fact, given the choice, I wouldn't even do the trust fall. If someone were to catch me, I feel it would only be because catching someone is the acceptable thing to do. If I was alone with someone, I do not know anyone who I would trust to catch me. Yeah.

My story: my parents were both alcoholics. My mother preferred to party and have sex with random strangers than take care of us. When we would cry as children, she would ignore us. She was passed out drunk most of the time. My father was more caring and attentive to us- however he drank all the time, and also was always working. He died when I was six ( 18 years ago ) while walking home from the bar. He drunkly walked into traffic and was run over. Anyway, then our mother got custody of us, and again neglected us. In fact DCFS was involved for most of our childhood. When I was seven we moved back to our home state. There, she entered drug rehab and we lived with family. Our mother got us back after rehab and immediately got someone she met in rehab, to take care of the three of us. This home was very very bad. Physical, emotional violence was the norm everyday. It was incredibly damaging to all three of us children. We lived there for five years, til I ran away after the female we lived with, cornered me and beat me up. Then we moved back in with our mother and her new husband. There, it was complete neglect. I mean my brother and sister ran the streets getting drunk/ high all the time. When they weren't even teenagers, yet. My mother decided she didn't want to "deal" with my siblings and got my brother into a boy's home, and my sister placed into foster care. Did I mention my mother NEVER parented us, and was ALWAYS passed out from taking handfuls of vicodin?!?! Yeah, not joking. So no one parented us, and we just did whatever. Her current husband couldn't control us either, and expected me to. I absolutely refused to take on my mother's responsibilities. I preferred to stay after school, or hole up in my room. Yeah I could still hear the screaming there, but at least it was "my space." Anyway, fast forward to present day. As I said earlier, I trust no one. I expect that everyone will betray me or that someone else will always come before me. In my current relationship, I am fairly certain my boyfriend of 3 years is still cheating on me with his ex-wife and baby mama. I am just waiting for the day that he sits me down and tells me that they are getting back together. In fact, two years ago, they actually were going to get back together and were sleeping together. Only because I begged him, did he change his mind not to leave me. But he makes sure I understand that the kids ALWAYS come before me. And therefore, baby mama too. I know that I need to leave him, but I have never been on my own before and this is better than falling flat on my face and being homeless.
I have never had a relationship (romantic or friendship, family etc) where I did not have one foot out the door at all times, because I knew that eventually they would get tired of me and throw me away. I am also fairly certain that I am a commitment phobe and that if I had the chance to be alone, I would never again pursue someone else. I have never cheated on anyone.
The only relationship I have ever had where I felt someone actually gave a damn was with a teacher in middle school. I talked to her and she was a great listener. I don't think we had a transference/counter transference relationship, but she really was the only parental/good/ guiding hand I had in my younger years. I ruined that relationship when I came out to her, she said I had to choose between god or "sinning" and I pushed her away. I have a bad habit of pissing people off, and then shutting them out and never resolving my issues. It's what we did, growing up. Good communication wasn't someone we knew of. The teacher still won't talk to me.
What are your thoughts? Besides I am totally messed up (haha)
Sorry for the long post.

[shezbut]

(((bobvilla)))



You've definitely had a rough life so far. I can relate to your lack of trust. I have inner walls us between myself and everyone else as well. I try very hard to be more trusting, more accepting of love offered, but it's a huge challenge for me as well. So, I can relate to your current situation, to an extent.

Are you in therapy? Going to school? Working at all? Have you kept in contact with any of your family members, or are all of your family relationships unhealthy and triggering negative emotions?

I have a T (therapist), a pDoc (psychiatrist), and I attend DBT group therapy (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) regularly. None of these things are "quick fixes" unfortunately. I've been trying to overcome my childhood experiences for over 20 years. As I've gotten older, my life has grown more complicated. I didn't have a real healthy way of building or maintaining relationships, as my self-esteem has always sucked! So, I've contributed to my complications a bit as well.

I am trying hard to build some healthy self-esteem, but that seems to take ages! One of the best things that I've recently done in my life is attending DBT and learning mindfulness. Just learning how to appreciate the moment that I'm in & trying to focus on that, rather than blow up over something stupid, really helps me. A great link to refer to & check out sometime is below.

DBT Self Help

I chose to go to community college in my mid 20's and that was a big help to me as well. That did boost my self-esteem a lot (but then physical health issues took over and pulled me back down). I do highly recommend college, because it was remarkable how much better it made me feel in simple, everyday life! I actually became a lot less shy, and made a couple of friends over the years. It was a very positive experience for me.

Those are the big helps that popped into my head anyway. Gentle hugs to you.