[roseblossom]

I just spoke with my father and he said something along the lines of the fact that he had just read a book about an issue I mentioned to him (and which I've been trying to be heard about for a long time) and he said author of the book 'seemed' to corroborate what I had mentioned.

Maybe I ought to take this a sign of some progress that he finally might hear me, but instead I found myself feeling triggered by this and angry with myself for not calling him out on the surprised tone of his tone of voice. I just binged on too much food, and feel like stuffing again.

[ThisWayOut]

I get that kind of stuff from my family a lot... mostly it's their way of saying they guess i was right. Sometimes assimilating and accepting the horrors of the truth take a while. (Hugs) it is a good sign. I'm sorry it's not feeling like one though. Sometimes for me, when others accept what i say, it scares me because they are acknowledging it's truth... makes it harder for my defenses to say it's all in my head... there's a level of denial that i think goes along with others disbelief, it means that the truth may actually be the truth if others also acknowledge it. But that's just my theory on why i freak out when i get some acknowledgement from family.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

I get that kind of stuff from my family a lot... mostly it's their way of saying they guess i was right. Sometimes assimilating and accepting the horrors of the truth take a while. (Hugs) it is a good sign. I'm sorry it's not feeling like one though. Sometimes for me, when others accept what i say, it scares me because they are acknowledging it's truth... makes it harder for my defenses to say it's all in my head... there's a level of denial that i think goes along with others disbelief, it means that the truth may actually be the truth if others also acknowledge it. But that's just my theory on why i freak out when i get some acknowledgement from family.

Thanks for your reply. I thought about it after I'd posted here and realised that whilst it may have been partly a positive step that my father was making steps towards saying that something I thought was proved right - it still felt that any recognition of me having any intelligence was still something that he overlooked because he said that he would lend me the book, and commented on the academic qualifications of the author. I suppose I found this really triggering because he very much favoured one of my siblings and supported her education (saying that she deserved it) and she is now a university lecturer, whereas he was unwilling to with me. I have found him superior in his attitude towards me and that's what I had trouble articulating. I don't think that I would ever satisfy his analysis of me.

Maybe he was genuinely trying to acknowledge me in some way, but there's been so much hurt, so many painful consequences of things from the past that to be honest I have trouble not feeling angry still and I feel a lot of grief.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by roseblossom

Maybe he was genuinely trying to acknowledge me in some way, but there's been so much hurt, so many painful consequences of things from the past that to be honest I have trouble not feeling angry still and I feel a lot of grief.

Parents can be so withholding, and with many things they never change and you can never get what you want and think you deserved. This has happened to me. I used to stuff feelings with food, too. Now I have someone who gives me wide-open, unstinting, unwavering love and affection, and it has really helped me start to heal. Of course I give the same love in return, so we are a good match that way. It is hard to live with that empty hole of missing love and encouragement that we (or maybe it's just I, but probably lots of other people feel the same way) didn't get from our parents. It sounds like you feel that way, too. I think it's important to appreciate what our parents could give, and balance that against their failings. It can be hard.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Parents can be so withholding, and with many things they never change and you can never get what you want and think you deserved. This has happened to me. I used to stuff feelings with food, too. Now I have someone who gives me wide-open, unstinting, unwavering love and affection, and it has really helped me start to heal. Of course I give the same love in return, so we are a good match that way. It is hard to live with that empty hole of missing love and encouragement that we (or maybe it's just I, but probably lots of other people feel the same way) didn't get from our parents. It sounds like you feel that way, too. I think it's important to appreciate what our parents could give, and balance that against their failings. It can be hard.

Thanks H3rmit - saying that you met someone who gives you 'wide-open, unstinting, unwavering love and affection' made me smile and gives me hope that maybe I could have a relationship like that in the future too.

You're so right about parents withholding - actually that's giving me pause for thought about my own relationship with my son. I appreciate your response.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by roseblossom

saying that you met someone who gives you 'wide-open, unstinting, unwavering love and affection' made me smile and gives me hope that maybe I could have a relationship like that in the future too.

I say don't settle for less. It can exist. We are not perfect, but we aim high, and we have both improved. When I have a problem with him, I don't have to air it on PC because we have very good communication and we can resolve things. I expect nothing less; communication is a high value to us. I am happy with my relationship, if nothing else in life.

Thanks for the validation and recognition, roseblossom.

Do you find yourself being withholding at times - is that what you're saying?

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

I say don't settle for less. It can exist. We are not perfect, but we aim high, and we have both improved. When I have a problem with him, I don't have to air it on PC because we have very good communication and we can resolve things. I expect nothing less; communication is a high value to us. I am happy with my relationship, if nothing else in life.

Thanks for the validation and recognition, roseblossom.

Do you find yourself being withholding at times - is that what you're saying?

I can see that with my son I haven't affirmed him enough and validated him enough as he was growing up. Basically, the bond didn't really establish as strongly as I really wanted - mainly because I became mentally ill and unable to cope as a result of my own childhood abuse and neglect and this resulted in him living quite a bit with his father. Recently someone has been sharing with me about the importance of positive affirmations and I'm really conscious that when I first tried to think of things to say to my son, I struggled because he's confronted me quite a bit and there's been some hurt. So, yes, then I did notice that I had been withholding. But I realise that he has had to cope with a great deal.

Realising that I've caused harm towards someone who really needed me has been incredibly painful. Sometimes its so difficult having this distance between us that I sense, and I just want to go back to when he was litle and be there and give him a hug and tell him all the good things that I know about him. I'm trying to find opportunities to tell him how lovely he is now and just hope that this will in some way heal the lack that there's been.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by roseblossom

I'm trying to find opportunities to tell him how lovely he is now and just hope that this will in some way heal the lack that there's been.

I expect it will help tremendously. Also, admitting your failings if he ever calls you on them is also very valuable (to both giver and receiver). Just my 2 bits.

[grace428]

Originally Posted by roseblossom

I can see that with my son I haven't affirmed him enough and validated him enough as he was growing up. Basically, the bond didn't really establish as strongly as I really wanted - mainly because I became mentally ill and unable to cope as a result of my own childhood abuse and neglect and this resulted in him living quite a bit with his father. Recently someone has been sharing with me about the importance of positive affirmations and I'm really conscious that when I first tried to think of things to say to my son, I struggled because he's confronted me quite a bit and there's been some hurt. So, yes, then I did notice that I had been withholding. But I realise that he has had to cope with a great deal.

Realising that I've caused harm towards someone who really needed me has been incredibly painful. Sometimes its so difficult having this distance between us that I sense, and I just want to go back to when he was litle and be there and give him a hug and tell him all the good things that I know about him. I'm trying to find opportunities to tell him how lovely he is now and just hope that this will in some way heal the lack that there's been.

I could have written the same exact thing. My son has only started talking to me in the past year, so I tread lightly, but have been writing and emailing when specific things are brought to mind where I failed him as a child. When we are together he tries so hard to be civil with me, but just withdraws again when he is remembering something painful.
I hope you don't mind my breaking in on this conversation. It is a difficult subject to talk about.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by quietgrace

I could have written the same exact thing. My son has only started talking to me in the past year, so I tread lightly, but have been writing and emailing when specific things are brought to mind where I failed him as a child. When we are together he tries so hard to be civil with me, but just withdraws again when he is remembering something painful.
I hope you don't mind my breaking in on this conversation. It is a difficult subject to talk about.

Hi quietgrace, if ever you want to get in touch, feel free to PM me.

[Gr3tta]

I caN definitely relate to this!!! It seriously pisses me off to hear that MY say so wasn't good enough, but now that some OTHER person some supposed "expert" says so, NOW I make sense. And you're surprised I make sense! Well whoopdiefreakingdoo I tried telling you this exact thing a hundred times. Guess I'm not worth listening to.
Sorry. I kinda ranted there, but yes, I definitely relate.

Originally Posted by roseblossom

I just spoke with my father and he said something along the lines of the fact that he had just read a book about an issue I mentioned to him (and which I've been trying to be heard about for a long time) and he said author of the book 'seemed' to corroborate what I had mentioned.

Maybe I ought to take this a sign of some progress that he finally might hear me, but instead I found myself feeling triggered by this and angry with myself for not calling him out on the surprised tone of his tone of voice. I just binged on too much food, and feel like stuffing again.