[Momly]

I'm trying to decide if what has been going on is actually abuse. I'm not sure but I'm starting to feel like it is.

I have been married for 37 years. When we first got married I felt safe in my husbands arms. The world went away and nothing could get me there. That feeling went away very rapidly and I never understood why until lately. When I stopped feeling safe I started feeling uncomfortable and actually unsafe or threatened.

The only person I have ever been intimate with is my husband. As far as I know I am his only partner also, if you don't count the pornography he looks at all the time. We were both young and I was very naive when we married. He seemed to take on a teaching role when we started our intimate lives together.

He would want me to do things that were uncomfortable for me. When I pulled back or didn't want to do things he would tell me I was "inhibited" and he would just have to help me get over it. He kept pushing for what he wanted no matter how uncomfortable I was. I guess I need to share an example:
At one time he wanted **** intercourse. I didn't. He kept trying to get something into my rectom - finger, dildo, anything. It got to the point that whenever he even got near my rectom I paniced. He just wouldn't leave it alone. This was not just one night, this was every time we were intimate over several months. He would tell me he would teach me, I would get over my inhibitions and it would be Ok. This was one area I was not going to give in to. I couldn't get him to quit until I insisted we use a dildo on his rectom first and see how he liked it. He was so insistent and pushed so hard that even now - years later - if he touches me any were near my rectom I panic again.
This type of relationship has been involved in all areas of our intimate relationship. Any little thing he wanted to try, if I hesitated at all I was inhibited and he would have to "teach" me how to get over it.

He likes to walk up behind me when I'm working in the kitchen and grab my breasts from behind. When I get upset he withdraws and sulks. When I try to explain he remains withdrawn. He tells me he can't touch me now because he doesn't know what is Ok and what is not. It seems to be an all or nothing deal. I have to let him do whatever he wants whenever he wants or nothing.

I know many people have been through terrible, violent abuse. It has a name. You can't mistake whether it is or isn't abuse. This has been so subtle I have spent most of my marriage thinking something was wrong with me because I didn't like or want all the things my husband wanted and there has always been this conflict between us. This is crazy making behavior but is it abuse?

[kindachaotic]

I think it's abuse.
No is No. Doesn't matter if married or not.
No is No from then on, no negociations, period.
Do you think he's trying to get you to do the things he see's viewing porn?
When he pouts try to ignore it, so far he's succeeded making you feel guilty.
When he says you're inhibited, tell him he scares you,
and frankly at this point it's like beating a dead horse.
If he wants a sex life he should know by now what you will & will not do.
Don't know if this help, touchy subject for me.
Take care.

[Raging Quiet]

It's your body.

Anyone (no matter who) that makes you panic, emotionally blackmails you or makes you do things and doesn't respect your answer, are abusing you in some way. Your body belongs to you; married or not.

[Momly]

Thank you for the responses. I have just realized (after 37 years) that it was possible abuse was happening. I kept thinking something was wrong with me because I didn't like or want to do certain things. This sure gets mixed up sometimes.

[Muppy]

It is definitely abuse. My ex-husband was very much like this. I hated for him to touch me. He HAD to have sex at least once a day, more often twice or even 3 times a day. I could not get into bed at night without knowing he would demand sex. I worked and he would call me for lunch. Most of the time eating was not involved in my lunch hour. There is no counting how often I was late back from lunch. Fortunately I had a job where I didn't get into trouble for this. But it continued. And it got more kinky. He had threatened me that if I left him that I would never receive child support. I had no life to myself. If my office had a get together, he'd show up. Phone call? He'd pick up the extension. It finally progressed to physical abuse. A broken nose, a broken wrist, and a broken collarbone later I left. I foolishly thought that I had hidden things from my children. But I tell you, the bones healed but I will never get over the emotional abuse. I wish I could, and maybe, just maybe the PTSD will disappear. Momly...you are being abused and I truly hope you can escape from it, but be very careful. Abusers abhor being left and that is frequently a very dangerous time. Am I suggesting that you leave him well I am. I doubt he will change this pattern of behavior

[nicoleflynn]

I was married for 31 years to a verbal/physical abuser. The book, THe Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life and sanity. I think it should be required reading for everyone on the planet. You have a right as all humans do.....to your thoughts and feelings. Yes, he is childish and abusive. You do NOT have to do anything you don't want to. Let him sulk. Get into some counseling for yourself; it might be the best thing you ever did. Hugs, Nicole

[Laina M.]

No one ever has the right to touch your body in ways you don't want them to. Often people think violent abuse is the only kind of abuse, but people can seem gentle and kind and still be abusive. The fact that he kept pushing your boundaries and kept trying to penetrate you without consent (this is sexual assault) is definitely abusive, and then he has the gall to blame you for being uncomfortable with him touching you other times?

Your feelings are definitely valid and I'm sorry you're going through this.