[Stanley_19802]

Hello,

Well, as the title says, it's been a VERY crappy day. Kind of a situation where everything is coming to a head. People trying to help, or in the case of police FORCE their "help" on me. They don't get it, they can't help.

See, most of this has been building over the last 23 years since November 20th 1990. I have PTSD from abuse starting from age 10. The abuse began with children's psychiatric hospitals my mom sent me to as punishments. She would lie saying I was suicidal and they would take me no questions asked. I have been haunted with what happened in them.

Just one bad stay after another. A spinal injury for one. Instead of trying to talk to me, a staff member came up behind me, slammed me to the floor on my stomach then put his knee on my spine almost half way up my back and applied all his weight till all his body weight was on his knee pressing on my spine. After a series of loud cracking I had the worst pain I have ever felt and began screaming in pain.

2 staff ran over assuming that I was "going off". The told me to get up and walk to "time out" (solitary restraint room). I told them I couldn't move. I was actually paralized. The staff assumed I was just refusing, so they bent down, grabbed my arms and literally dragged me to the solitary room about 50-70 feet away. I was then lifted and pressed against the wall, injected with seditive and put in restraints.

Didn't end there. When I woke up, I was thankful and relieved that I could move again. My doctor I now have said the time spent laying down and not moving right after helped the swelling. I forget how he explained it. Anyway, it takes me almost 10 minutes to sit up as although I could move, I was in extream pain.

I made my way out of the room and was told they had meds for me. So I went to the medication window and the woman hands me a cup. I asked if it was tylenol, she tells me it's more seditive. I hadn't even done anything and they wanted me back asleep. I politely said no thanks, put the cup down and asked for tylenol. She said no and pushed the cup back toward me. I just walked away and renturned to my room and carefully laid back down.

Not even 5 minutes after finally laying flat 2 staff run in, physically YANK me out of bed putting me back in severe pain causing me to begin screaming in pain. I was carried back to the solitary room, held against the wall again, injected and the let me go and left the room.

It was a little after 7pm. The sun was setting fast. The med didn't knock me out but I was slightly tired. Anyway, due to the sun setting, it was getting VERY dark in the solitary room. I asked for the light to be turned on in the room and they refused. Soon the only lighting was moon light bouncing off the white painted wall on the building next store that then bounced through the glass window and through the metal grate covering the window. It bearly lit a foot into the room. Already having some issues with the dark, I sat in that corner all night.

The other issue was it was freezing cold. Must have been low to mid 60's. I only had on a pair of sock, a pair of shorts and a short sleeve shirt. I was soo cold and they refused a blanket or anything. So in the corner I brought my knees up to my chest and pulled my shirt down over them and pulled my arms in to keep warm. And I sat there all night. They didn't let me out till 8:30am the following morning. No bathroom breaks either.

When I was let out, I was told I can either take the seditive, or be injected. I just took it to avoid further injury. I was literally kept asleep a week straight. I remember just one memory from that week. My mom and brother had come to visit me. I was so weak and tired two staff had to help me to the visiting room. I was struggling to keep awake. My mom asked me how I was. I remember saying "I'm doing f....". That's all I remember.

My mom told me later I hadn't even finished saying the word "fine" when my head hit the table. I had passed out. Apparently she had freaked out thinking I had died. I was told 3 staff had to come and carry me back to my room. I woke up several hours later back in my room and was awake just long enough to be handed another dose and then was back asleep. I was 16 during all that from the back injury to being kept asleep all week.

That's just two of many incidents that took place. Some neglect, but most was physical injuries such as pulled muscles. Such as one stay. I hadn't been in my room 2 minutes. Two staff instead of asking for my show laces, they ran in, bent me stomach down over my bed and pulled my right arm behind my back and was forcing it up toward my neck. When they finished taking my laces, they just let me fall to the floor as they walked out. All the muscles in my right arm had been pulled. Any moving it was painful. So I made a sling out of a towel. They took it. So it required constant attention to make sure I didn't move it too much as a effort to reduce pain. My request for tylenol for that was turned down too.

Anyway, due to the abuse over the years, physical abuse in a psychiatric hospital as current as June 2013, I have PTSD. But I had PTSD when I was 10, but each visit only added to it. I was diagnosed finally when I was 23. I'm 32 now.

I avoid as many reminders of the abuse as possible. Ambulances though are hard. 3 of my admits when I was a child involved the use of a AMR (American Medical Responce) ambulance and leather restraints. Even once I was taken directly from school from the hospital. In restraints for all to see. That pissed me off. But anyway, just seeing one sparks a flashback of the events.

What doesn't help is my therapist was trying to help saying the ambulance taking me to the hospital won't happen anymore, it's all in the past. I believed it too. Until my last admit in June 2013. A ambulance came to the therapists office to take me to the hospital. I totally freaked in that I was paralized and was having trouble breathing. In the end, the police had to come instead because I refused to go with the ambulance crew. Gee, I wonder why I didn't want to go in the ambulance. I tried telling them not to call a ambulance, they didn't want to listen.

So I have the PTSD issues from the psych hospitals. But I feel the school abuse should qualify too, but they said the abuse doesn't fit the critirea of being bad enough to be called PTSD. Ok, while it's rare I have nightmares of abuse at school, I did have many intence memories that come up and some flashbacks. So I feel it does meet it.

At school, man, it was as bad as the hospital but not in that in the hospital, a lot happened in a short period of time while at school it went on for years. Stuff like having my school lunch kept from me, but close enough to see and smell but not touch. I have been kept in the schools solitary room for hours at a time, no bathroom break, and with loss of lunch if I was in during lunch time. One incident the teachers aide removed his belt and hit me on my legs 3 times with it.

I have been thrown to the floor and lays on me holding me down. When the other staff member gets there, the first aide begins drilling his elbow into my right shoulder blade till I am screaming in pain. Then him and the other aid put most of their weight on my back to the point of literally suffocating to death under their weight. The last second they shifted their weight and I suddenly gasped for air and they realized they almost killed me. Then once let up he puts his mouth to my ear and says "If you try ANYTHING, I will slam your *** on the concreat, I don't give a ****....now MOVE" as he shoves me forward". The same aid went on to abuse me doing the keeping my lunch from me, calling me "white boy" and such trying to get me upset so he could justify throwing me on the floor which the describe as "Theraputic restraint". Yea, really theraputic!

Anyway, I don't get much sleep due to the nightmares, during the day it's flashbacks or intense memories of abuse both in the hospital and at school. All causing panic attacks that feel like my intestines are being ripped out and jumping my blood pressure up there. It was taken once during such intense memories and was 210/115 with a pulse of 110. My doctor told me if I didn't get my anxiety under control, one of these days I am going to have a nightmare or flashback is going to cause a blood pressure spike that will be one too many and I will have a heart attack. I have a good 20 or more such "spikes" a day.

I have been in therapy for years trying to get control of my past. I don't leave my house because of all the triggers in the world. One being a ambualance which quite frankly are everywhere. So it's rare I leave my house. But even staying at home I can't control every single trigger.

And lastly is the damn ghost. When I moved into my new home two years ago, a month or so later I began being harrassed by a spirit. It started with it lifting one part or another of my mattress up and down. It remained just that for a year. I figured I could deal with that. Not like I could afford to move anyway.

But the start of the second year it got so much worse. I could feel what feels like hands from a invisable attacker grabbing my private and also basically raping me. **** penitration. Not just once a day, but at least 3-5 times a day at the worst. And when not actually raping me, I can feel it spreading my cheekes and inserting something in about a inch or so. Like he's fondling or something. It's sick. But I can't do anything about it.

I have tried everything. Had the house blessed, crosses, holy water....even swallowed my embarrassment and had a paranormal investigator bring in their crew. Although two of them felt touching and the seat moving up and down, it wasn't to a degree that could be seen on a video camera. So there is no actually "proof". So every day it's another day of being raped at a random time of the day.

And I don't even have to be in bed for it to happen. Even as I write this penitration is taking place, the one about a inch or so. It can happen anywhere and anytime. Including when I am trying to drive the car he will touch me. Or more dangerous for others, he messes with the brake peddle. When I am stopped at a traffic light, I can feel pressure trying to push my foot up and off the break peddle.

It can be pretty scary sometimes. Such as a few times I have woken up being kissed. I can't see anyone, but there is no mistake of the feeling and pressure of lips pressed against mine and kissing me. Resisting the attacks only makes things worse. He's inflicted pain. Pain can be caused during penitration, he physically grabs and squeezes my privates, and lately it's been feeling something in my ear and all the sudden I will feel pressure deep in my ear at the ear drum causing ear pain. So it's a constant battle of fight and take what pain comes, or let it just be over as soon as possible.

But I can't tell therapists because they would assume I am just seeing things and give me some medication that because he's a ghost and not my imagination, it's not going to make one damn difference. So I can't even talk about it. Can't have him arrested. And it's not bound to my home. It can and does follow me everywhere. Even into churches which is strange because you would think the one place it couldn't go would be a church. It followed me 250 miles to the psych ward and was there when I arrived at the hospital. So I can't even escape it there.

So all this brings me to today. I have been fighting the urge to take my life. So I was talking to my therapist that I can't take it and just want everything to stop. She said maybe I need to be in the hospital. Why? So they can abuse me again. My last stay, I wasn't even there 5 minutes.

When we arrived, I refused to go inside. I was afraid of being abused. So they came out telling me to come in, that nothing would happen, bla bla bla. I said no. So polite asking turned to threats. They threatened to call the police and that I should stop acting like a baby. Well excuse me for being terrified of hospitals after my past. Finally I just closed the car door. They said if I didn't come in, I had to be "contained" in the car until police could come. So I sat in the hot car for two hours waiting for police to arrive.

When they did arrive the charge nurse came out who tried talking to me before. She didn't think I could hear her, I heard everything. She walked up to the cop and says "Do a show of force and try to coax him inside, we can't touch him until he's inside, once he's inside we have staff to put hands on him".

So now the polce come over trying to tell me to go inside, that nothing is going to happen and they would arrest any staff who assulted me. And that if I didn't get out of the car, they would doing "painful things" to me saying that because I was in a SUV, that the fall to the ground would hurt. So fearing being assulted now by the police I agreed to go in knowing in my gut what would happen. But police said they would follow me all the way back into the unit. Yea right.

I battle my fear and finally make it inside. The cops freaking leave me once I was in the lobby. Once the cop car was out of sight, the woman told me I can either get up and walk to the unit or I would be physically moved and I had the 4 bites that it took for one of the staff to eat his bagle. And that if I didn't go, the pain meds ordered for my back pain control would be canceled. I was frozen in the chair. I had 8 staff scattered around me.

I tried with all my energy to get up and move, I was terrfied and unable to move. The nurse speaks up and says "Fine, I am canceling your pain medication". Two bagle bites later (about 1 minute) four staff then walk up to me sitting in a chair, suddenly they reach down and grab my arms, two staff on each arm. They pull my arms behind my back and push them up toward my neck pushing me forward. They were pushing me forward so fast I had to practically run afraid that if I tripped that I would fall and have four staff land on top of me. 3/4's down the hall the staff says "your going to solitary".

After being locked in the freezing cold pitch black solitary room all night I have been deathly terrified of not just the dark, but any room of similar size and ANY hospital solitary room despite the size. So hearing they wanted to put me in solitary after sun down and such, I totally went into panic mode and faught being pushed forward with all my strength. But as much as I was fighting it was totally unable to prevent any forward motion being pushed by the 4 guys.

But thankfully on the last moment the staff instead pushed me into the day room and forced me into a chair instead of solitary. But now because of my issue with the dark and PTSD, they said I would need my own room and there wasn't another open room. So they said "We are assigning you the solitary room as your room till we can give you your own room". I couldn't stop shaking. I ended up sleeping (more like cat naping, sleeping for 5 minutes or so at a time, waking up and then cat napping another 5 minutes). In the end, I did end up having a room mate that was fine with the light being on instead of ever having to go in the solitary room.

But the attack moving me from the lobby to the day room pulled all the muscles in both my arms to the point of leaving brusing and pain to move them, but my back was hurt trying to run and being twisted and such that my back is still trying to heal from that incident. My arms thankfully were back to normal after 2 weeks or so.

My back being injured more is the issue. It's already badly hurt from the spinal injury from the staff member putting his knee on my spine when I was 16. Now it's getting hurt more. I am not supposed to lift more than 20 pounds, but instead in the attack I am using all my muscles and stregth fighting with every bit to avoid being locked in a pitch dark solitary room like what happened when I was 16, or worse, possibly being put in restraints on top of the dark.

The staff took pictures of the marks on my arms but didn't see any injuries to the skin on my back. The twisting and hurting of my back can't be seen with the eyes. But the increase in pain and pain in moving in ways that before the incident didn't hurt so bad is clear enough it was hurt during the struggle.

And it didn't help later overhearing two staff that were involved saying I was accusing abuse, he says "I'm not worried". He was right, nothing was done despite 4 camera's that HAD to catch it, but they said "not enough evidence". Typical.

Not one of those involved in the abuse in the psych wards all my life have EVER been arrested or anything happen to them. And only ONE of the staff at the special education schools have gotten busted, but he wasn't arrested, they just fired him. After nearly suffocating me at school, he gets off just getting fired? So yea, aside from the one guy getting fired, not one of those who have abused me over my life have EVER been arrested or anything. Sure doesn't help emotionally knowing no one had to answer for hurting me. They totally got away with it.

I have just reached the end of my chain. I can cope with a lot of crap. But I can't take it anymore. The lack of sleep, reliving the past, nightmares, the spinal pain reminding me of the incident I got the spinal injury and the night in the dark solitary room following it, dealing with the ghosts activity, being raped daily and the pain from resisting. I am just sick of it.

So my therapist was upset that I am suicidal. Well excuse me for being upset, tired and hopeless dealing with things she can't help me with. 3 years and there hasn't been much of any progress in the PTSD being reduced. And she can't do anything about the ghost either.

The hospital can't help. The medications I have been on, either the side effects are too much, and the ones that do work are not covered under my insurance. Like the Invega, the medication was helping the depression, but once I got out of the hospital with the prescription I find out it's not covered. And when I went to pay cash, I find out it's $714.00 per month. I can't afford that! So I had to come off it cold terkey. And the one that was covered was causing my eyes to be blurry. It was hard to focus. So I had to stop that one.

I am told, see my general doctor. Great, would love to. But because his doctors office is the only one in my area that accepts medi-cal patients, there are so many patients that I can only get in to see him about twice, sometimes 3 times a year. Even if I have a emergency he is always booked out at least 3 months and so the desk ALWAYS tells me to go to the ER and get a appointment when one opens up. So not nearly often enough to start a new med and make changes often enough to find what will work.

I need a psychiatrist I can see when I need to, but county mental health says that because I have my medical doctor who can prescribe psych meds, they refuse to give me access to a psychiatrist. So I am stuck managing the PTSD, bipolar and everything without meds. Oh wait, excuse me, I have mild anxiety medication. Yea, really effective (I'm being sarcastic) in dealing with all this.

So anyway, my therapist being upset that I want to die decides to call the cops to my house. Not wanting to be hospitalized and abused again I tell the cops what he wants to hear "Nope, I'm fine, not going to do anything". Pissed off she would do that crap knowing my history I leave a message saying we are done. She sends the cops BACK because they didn't take me. Again I tell the cop that I don't want to go to the hospital. He gets a attitude saying who do I want help from then. That's just the problem, there isn't anyone.

Hospital stays almost always result in abuse by staff who's power to take down patients has gone to their heads. And I end up worse of PTSD wise than I went in as any stays cause a huge increase in nightmares and flashbacks. But any medications I am put on that works, I have to end up coming off of when I get out. So it's a total waste going through getting on a new medication to have to come back off it. And with the damn ghost issue, there is nothing a hospital can do about a ghost raping me. Besides saying it's all in my head and giving me a anti-psychotic which does nothing since the damn ghost isn't a part of my imagination, it's REAL.

So I am so tired, angry, hopeless and want to die to make it all stop. But I am afraid that I could screw up again like last time. I OD'ed and it didn't work. Ended up hospitalized for it which is the time the 4 staff hurt me. I just want it all to stop. I can't take it anymore. I don't know why my therapist, cops, hospital and crap feel the have the right to force me to live like this. It's not right. I am the one who has to live with this by staying alive, not them. I should be able to end my life to be out of pain and abuse if I choose. It's not like I am taking them with me. Just me. I should have the right to do that if I choose. Anyway, thanks for listening all.

-Stanley

[Yoda]

[Stanley_19802]

Thanks for the pictures

[BrokenNBeautiful]

so sorry. I am in a similar situation. No professional therapy. Thank goodness for my friend who understands PTSD. I wish therapy were accessible to everyone. The right kind too!

thanks for your story.

Carol