[Rosondo]

Some of us here have been abused by people we trusted the most. For those of you who then were able to get into "healthy" trusting relationships afterwards, how do you develop trust? When I went for therapy, I had even great trouble trusting my therapist and I don't think a full trust ever did develop.

I have trouble trusting people here too. I think everybody is capable of anything. You might disagree with me but that's my view. Like you put a nice sweet person in a terrible situation, take away what they need or want, etc, and they might do anything.

Anyhow, point is that you can't just assume someone will always be good to you just because they're generally a nice person. Or that they been nice before. Many times abusive others were not "all bad." They did so many good things for the abused too. But then they also abused them. So even a seemingly nice person will at some point disappoint you, not be there when you need them, or even hurt you, perhaps unintentionally by ignoring you or not been there when you are most needy. Or more directly by abusing you.

We all have wounds, and I for one am very much protective of it. The pain is bad, it's beyond words. Often times I don't reach it because I can't. I'm numb to it. I was emotionally abused in a family relationship for a long time but I will leave it at that. Even as a grownup man, the pain is there, even more now, since another family issue made the pain reappear for me. And I did not even know it was there. Anyhow, but at the same time I can't be living on my own forever, this is also painful. I need relationships. But every time I look at someone, I think to myself, But how do I REALLY know? It's like being imprisoned by past. This is painful.

[Insignificant other]

I doubt if I will ever be able to trust anyone again .. I've tried, but was just lying to myself. Yes, this is painful.

[athena.agathon]

Slowly and carefully. There's been so many posts about this kind of thing lately, which is funny because it's been something I've been thinking so much about (or maybe I just notice the posts more because I'm thinking about it?). Sorry, I'm high on coffee and this is probably going to be a monster post, so bear with me...

I think it takes a lot of time and effort and trial and error, which can be tiring, scary and painful. There are gonna be times where you feel tired and hopeless and like the world is too scary. Then you just have to lick your wounds and tell yourself to hold on and that eventually you will feel like trying again.

Learning to trust and build healthier relationships is a process, it takes work, and I don't think I will ever see the end of it (one thing that has been helpful for me is beginning to see that this is a normal part of life for everybody...that you can be imperfect and working on it and still be inherently loveable--and that, actually, everyone is--and that other people can be imperfect and disappointing without it being life-threatening).

I think that it's more of a life journey or a process than a destination (that's been helpful for me...letting go of the idea that I'm some kind of fixer-upper project and that I need to wait on getting on with my life/career/romances until I'm some ideal of "healthy" and "normal" has actually made me a lot healthier and more normal).

Part of the problem with abuse is that it warps your ability to assess people for safety and trustworthiness and can make it hard for you to behave in ways that are self-protective and conducive to healthy relationships. Which just creates a big feedback loop where you have more and more experiences in your adult life that reinforce those beliefs about the goodness and safety of the world and other people.

It sounds like you tried therapy and maybe didn't find it that helpful? I am such a true believer but I really think that therapy has been so helpful and necessary to me in learning about trust. In Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman says over and over again that there's no healing without relationship (which is a fun paradox for people who have been hurt in relationship, and why it's really brave of survivors to stick it out in therapy or in relationships at all).

I have been really lucky to have found a great therapist (I say this now: there have been some times where I wanted to throw pillows at him) who understands interpersonal trauma and has stuck it out patiently and non-judgmentally while I shook, looked at the floor, ran out of his office, skipped appointments, refused perfectly good advice, made bad relationship decisions, told him I thought he was lying to me and generally been a help-rejecting pill. He has also supported me while I explored new behavior in relationships and branched out socially and done other things that further my healing process. It involved some risk-taking on my part just to show up and sit in his office sometimes, but on the whole it's been worth it and I'm glad I do it and I recommend people keep trying to find help that works.

[healingme4me]

Slowly, carefully, after some serious amount of therapy and self work.
It builds through behavior, action, knowing what to watch for. Granted, seems unfair to have to watch, proceed with some guardedness, yet, it's just the way, it is.
Another, that can appreciate your wounds, helps.

Almost seems like a mindful approach, to a new relationship, but with openness and honest to goodness communication, it's possible.



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[athena.agathon]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Slowly, carefully, after some serious amount of therapy and self work.
It builds through behavior, action, knowing what to watch for. Granted, seems unfair to have to watch, proceed with some guardedness, yet, it's just the way, it is.
Another, that can appreciate your wounds, helps.

Almost seems like a mindful approach, to a new relationship, but with openness and honest to goodness communication, it's possible.

yep--what I meant to say, but better and with fewer words ^^

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by athena.agathon

yep--what I meant to say, but better and with fewer words ^^

Had, this online friendship once, I admired how he could write lengthy views/opinions, and he my shorter length. Each, has it's positives. When you wrote, all you wrote, I was able to reflect more, to add to the OP. I like reading longer posts. So, thank you, because you helped fuel my ability to express myself.

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[Fuzzybear]

I wish I knew

One tiny step at a time, with a lot of back peddling in between. Hang in there.