[Big Mama]

TRIGGER < RAPE< STOP NOW BEFORE IT IS TO LATE

I have been thinking about the rapes I endured. It seems to help me tremendously to tell my story. I still can't say the words but I can write them.

This took place 20 + years ago. When I was in high school I skipped school one time I left with my boyfriend "lary" we shall call him. We went to a friends house and some there who was over 21 bought beef for us. One of my boyfriends bestr friends were there. We watched T.V. , drank , played cards , we were just having a good time. My boyfriends buddy, we will call him "matt" was way to eager to hand out beers. I kept getting this really strange feeling about matt. He kept trying to get me alone. He would send lary to the store, have lary go out and get lunch for us all. I begged laryu not to leave me alone with matt. While lary was gone matt gave me incorrect directions to the bathroom. I could hear matt not far behind me. It turned out he sent me to the bed room.I escaped the room right as matt was trying to get in. I did find the bathroom and he tried to follow me in there. I locked the door and stayed in there until lary returned.

Since mat was drinking and not handling his alcohol well I could almost see the lust in his eyes. I could feel his intentions. He looked at me in the most disgusting way.

Matt was tall and skinny. He was 20. HE wore holey jeans and a ripped blue jean jacket. (he came from a poor family) His hands looked rough. His hair was oily and his teeth were broken or missing. I remember him smiling the most nasty hungry smile at me. He wanted me and I could see it in his eyes. I could tell by the way he talked. HE asked me to set on his lap. My boyfriend protested and pulled me onto his lap. I felt safe for a minute. All evening was like this. One attempt after another.

When I think about my boyfriend HE had a motive to. The house we were in was old. The bed was in the kitchen. It had no covers, no blankets. It was a full size bed, that was old and squeaky. There was no head board and no foot board. It just sat on cinder blocks.

The walls were dingy from the wood stove. The light was a single bulb hanging down from a wire over head. The floor had dirty cracked purple and green cracked lanolium.

I can taste the acid from the fear and from the struggles. I can hear laughs, I can see matts broken rotten teeth.

I was safe with lary, my boyfriend. But at what cost. I remember my boyfriend, lary's , cold tongue, his breath tasted like beer and cigarettesH. It was wet and cold. His eyes were heavy and lust filled. His breathing was rapid as he tried and tried to get my clothes off. His hands went under my shirt, under my shorts. I was panic stricken. I sure it was obvious I wanted him to stop by my attempts to escape. I was trying to get him to stop and matt sat in the kitchen at the table and watched. He watch me struggle. HE just smiled and watched. He looked like a hungry wolf. He was anxious and waiting his turn.

I squirmed, pushed, turned away, and cried. I gave into his wants just long enough for him to relax his hold on me. I would make a break for it until he cought me again. Like a cat and mouse. He was qqquick and I didn't get away ever.

It was horrible. I had to give in to this monster and trust him and act like I was his enough so he would not share me with matt. I had to be protected by the very person who would rape me.

Matt was trying so hard to get lary drunk so he could have me him self. He just looked so hungry. I will never forget the look he had in his eyes. As horrible as this was, I was raped by my boyfriend and he loved me, I was so glad I was not raped by matt, he was just drunk and wanted a piece. There was no love, sheer evil.

I did manage to hole them both off enough during the day that only lary got a turn with me. The day was not long enough for matt to get me to. I had to return to school to catch the bus home. I think the two of them had planned to get me drunk and share me. But every time they gave me a beer I drink a swallow or two, but I poured it out, spilled it, switched it with some one elses beer. If it were not for that I would not have had the same fate. IT would have been much worse.

This is like a movie. I can stand back and see the whole thing before my very eyes. I can feel the fear , the anxiety, the slow spiral of hopelessness pulling this yourng girl in. I was only 15 years old. Lary was 19 years old and matt was 20 years old.

By telling this I can't change it, no one can fix it, but I can give it life outside of me, I can let it live else where, not just inside of me. By telling you I have less to carry. Less of it lives soley with me. Thank you for listening.

[Open Eyes]

(((Big Mama))),

The truth is you need this to be validated, you kept this to yourself for way too long.
And your parents were not "there for you" so you were basically "abandoned' and alone and carried a lot of "inner guilt and shame" too.

As you remember these events though Big Mama, yes, grieve them and take note of how it "hurt you" too. But it is also important that you remind yourself that you are "safe" now and that is not happening to you now, now you are healing and finally talking about it and getting the long needed "comfort and validation" that you always deserved to have.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[Big Mama]

OE, thank you for your response. I think I am recovering from things. This no longer runs my life. You are correct, I just want to be validated and heard. It still impacts if from time to time but it no longer has total control over it.