[spmtb]

I has taken me over a year to accept that the person I thought I can believe in, "There is only 1 man in this whole world I can count on, its my dad". After his massive heart attack, I had no choice than to accept the reality. I loved my father unconditionally. I met his other woman in which at the hospital he called his wife (he is still married to mother). Mother didn't like me much growing up, and dad showed me some attention, and in my mind he was everything a man should be. He had one foot in the grave, but some how he survived. He talked a lot, about his marriage to mother, about his mistress, and about how I left at 19.
??? I didn't leave! Mother told me dad had said I was THE EMBARRASSMENT of the family and had to leave and added "HE NEVER WANTS TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN". She told dad I had played him for a fool, I used him to pay for my school and ran off with who ever took me. Little by little he would say things that I thought he didn't know about the abuse mother did. He knew, and did nothing. He chose to pursue his happiness and leave me taking care of his wife when she became ill. But I still loved him, so when I said there no more secrets, we could spend time together. I even went all the way to tell him, that I couldn't eat, sleep and cried all day, when he asked me why, I told because you don't come to see me. He came once, but I still wasn't ready to let him go. I begged him to stop by, he passes by my house every single day.
How do I move on? The person that was my everything, only existed in my head. Father's Day tomorrow, it will be the 1st time I will not go see him.

[spondiferous]

This is a tough one. There is so much confusion, hurt, betrayal and anger in play while dealing with the fact that the person you love(d) and look(ed) up to is the very same person who was absent while you were being abused, whether it was looking the other way, or just not doing anything, or not being there at all.
There is no easy answer to this. Are you in therapy? That's my first suggestion. You need a safe place you can process this stuff. Of course we here can support you emotionally, but we are not professionals and cannot offer you professional guidance on healing. If you have a faith or spiritual practice that may offer you some comfort at this time as well, and perhaps if you are a creative person, making art or writing about your experiences and feelings might help you channel some of it.
It would be nice to hear from you again, see how you're doing now, if anything's changed. I'm sorry no one saw this when you posted it. Hope you are well.